Adoption Sensitive Language

I’m posting this for a reader who emailed me this morning.

Carrie,

One other thought that makes all the more confusing is that there are so many different ways to adopt.
In our kids’ case, it was a choice by their birthmoms, so it was a placement.
Not as elaborate as an “adoption plan” (due to poverty, they relinquished them to an orphanage), but that term could apply to a domestic adoption where a plan really is designed and followed through (i.e. a pregnant mom who connects w/the adoptive family before the birth).
But in many other situations, the children were removed from the homes, often against the birthparents’ will (ie abuse), so that’s not a plan at all — that’s more like a relinquishment. And is a good example why all birthparent reflections aren’t always warm and fuzzy about how the birthparents made a plan for the child. Sad, but true in too many cases.

Placement to me seems like the most all-purpose term since it doesn’t indicate whose idea it was to place the child for adoption.

So, anyway, kudos for bringing up the topic, and some food for thought for perhaps another upcoming editorial.

Thank you for doing what you’re doing!

Angie
adoptive mom

Well, since I was never given a CHOICE about losing my daughter to adoption, “placing” or “surrendering” are not the correct terms. I would use terms such as coerced and kidnapped.
I don’t like ANY of your so-called adoption sensitive terms. I am my daughter’s MOM and I was NOT ALLOWED to keep her to raise. I am not a bio mom or a birth mom or a natural or a first mom, I am just a mom.
I did sign a paper that forced me to lose my rights to raise my baby. Keep in mind that I signed after 4 months of being segregated from my family and friends, and had daily “thought reform” that I would not be able to care for her and would be selfish to keep her….Oh, and don’t forget that my father effectively gave me the choice of my baby or my family when he said, “Don’t ever come home with THAT baby.”
I know my daughter’s “diaper mom” or “booboo mom” (it doesn’t feel so good to be qualified as a mom, does it?) I know they loved her and took great care of her. I do not want to ever disrupt their relationship with my daughter. What I don’t understand is why they think I can’t be part of her life as well? Everyone deserves more love, and with more people who love you, you get way more love.
I found my daughter and she’s in my life again…..now it’s forever.

I lost my son to adoption in 1980. It was a surrender, as i surrendered to the overwhelming pressure, and to total defeat in the face of unyielding opposition i lost the battle to keep him as he was taken at birth and the social worker and my parents gave me no options but to sign a ‘voluntary’ surrender form. I was 17 and unwed and that was all it took for me to be branded a deviant in society’s eyes, as children “needed two *married* parents”.

I am his mother, but if you need to differentiate me from adoptive mothers then I am his natural mother. His mother by the intent and laws of Nature, whereas it was social rules and recently-constructed adoption laws (a 20th centurey invention!) removed him and that made his adoptive mother a mother. But natural does not mean that his adoptive mother is an “unnatural” mother, any more, by analogy, than grapes being a natural food makes cornflakes “unnatural.”

My motherhood did NOT end with his birth. We reunited 7 yrs ago. He calls me Mom and our mother-child bond is an every-day living thing. It survived 20 years of separation. Thus, I am not a “birthmother” as that means someone whose only relevance is for gestation and delivery and whose entire relationship ends there. That word was created by social workers in an attempt to erase and render invisible the Mother-Child bond that begins in the womb. My children, all 4 of them, will always be a part of me.

I see that the first comment is by someone who feels that the natural parents of her children made a “choice.” Then she goes on to say that it was due to poverty that the loss took place. This is contradictory. If your child faces starvation, it is NEVER a choice. It is a coerced, forced action that results from human rights abuse (Article 25, Universal Declaration of Human Rights). The ethical thing would not be to adopt the children but to support the whole family such that children can return to their original families from the orphanage. Again, this was a coerced surrender — financial coercion.

Thank you for letting me say a few words on this issue.

I agree – I have been saying over and over, just because one is “natural” doesn’t make the other “unnatural”.

Thank you for weighing in on this topic. It’s good to hear from you again.

Carrie

I am new to your blog and this web-site, but I am an adoptive mother of a beautiful 3 year old boy who was given up at birth by his birthmom (yes, that is the term we use right now). It was a private adoption and my son will always know (no matter that term we use) that his birthmother gave him up becuase she loved him and knew she could not give him the life she wanted him to have (her words, not mine). I am also a special education teacher and I really believe that people get too caught up in the “terms” and the “political correctness” that society demands now. I believe that ALL adoptive children should be raised to know that their birthparent(s) loved them the best they could. My husband and I are also foster parents hoping to adopt, and you can be assured that NO MATTER what situtation our children come from, they will always know that they were loved, even if they could not be cared for as they should be. I think we need to get past the “terms” and just make sure our children (adopted or biological) that they are loved, important, worthy and treasured.

In regard to the comment by Bryony, I am in agreement that poverty should NEVER be a reason for someone to give up their child. We as a society shouldn’t allow poverty anywhere in the world. But right now, we do. Until that crisis gets resolved, should orphanages in the most desperate of countries (say, Haiti), not exist? This is not a rhetorical question…I’m serious….I can’t help but wonder. If orphanages were outlawed, what would the alternative be? Some children definitely would die, but in our children’s case, we are not sure that they would have starved to death. We keep in contact with the families and it seems for them it was truly a choice, not a kidnapping. As painful as it was for her, it was something she wanted. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to talk openly about such a personal decision for her, but in our situation, we know that she lived a very painful life in Haiti (beyond what most of us can imagine in the USA) and she wanted something better for her daughter. That completely stinks that conditions are SO bad in Haiti for moms to feel that’s the best choice, but sometimes they do. So again, would it be better if she didn’t have that option? That she be forced to raise her daughter in a harsh world she doesn’t want her to live in? Really, these are things I ask because I don’t know the answers. I don’t know if anyone does, although I’m hoping to hear other perspectives. Please don’t judge everyone harshly by your own circumstances. Without posting details I will say that we have taken steps to make sure our kids’ moms in Haiti will never feel they have to make that choice again. There is nothing we can do about the legal decision they made to declare their children orphans, which happened before we considered adopting them. What we can do is honor our commitment to keep their family in Haiti a part of our family forever, keep contact, and never let the ties be broken. Our children truly have 2 families, 2 moms, not one. I hear the pain in your posting, and I have learned something from what you’ve written. I’m also conflicted about how to resolve issues like orphanages in extremely harsh countries. A lot of problems in the world impact children — really, what are the best ways to solve them?
It also sounds to me that you feel adoption is never a good thing. Always the worst choice. Is that accurate? Ideally adoption wouldn’t ever be necessary in our society, but again, until we cure a lot of societal ills, is it ever a better choice than staying with the first mother/father? I’m curious to hear your perspective as a mom, but also to hear what you might think as the child’s perspective too.

Melissa – thanks for sharing your story – I agree – terms that go along with political correctness seem to take away from the real issues and feelings at hand. It’s awesome how you are already honoring your child’s birth parent. Good luck with fostering.

Angie – Thanks for posting such awesome questions – I’m excited to read what others have to say on this subject.

I can’t stand “Natural” as a term for birth/biological parents. It directly implies that the birth parents are natural…then what does that make the adoptive parent? Has to either be natural or un-natural, correct? If it is that they are also “natural” parents then the differentiation is complety lost so what is the point in the first place? You may as well have said “parent”. The correct term is birth or biological parent and the adoptive parents are simply the parents or if you MUST differentiate then they are the adoptive parents. I don’t understand why someone would be offended by the term biological parents. It is a fact…that is what they are.

Adoptive Mom to Autumn & Ty,
Sasha

Carrie,

I have always looked upon myself as my daughter’s birthmom and to this day I look upon my mother as birthmom. I know alot of people have different ideas about the word but I feel I gave my daughter life but I was not in her life. That right was taken away from me by parents that did not want “that bastard” in the family and I would have never been able to bring the baby home. I had no way of supporting myself or the baby. My daughter was born in the 60’s. Her father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. It was not a love match anyway. I wanted to keep my baby but through the years I have relized that at that time there was no way I could have done so. For years I wondered where she was, was she still alive, where she lived. I the 90’s I started a search for her through the adoption home and also to give her medical info. She wanted a reunion at first then she didn’t. We have never met but we did talk, exchanged pictures, talked on phone. She likes to play head games I don’t so I dec’d for my own sanity I will walk away. This time the choice is mine.

Sally,

Thank you for sharing your story. I really admire you for your courage to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Your choice of words “This time the choice is mine.” really got to me. Thanks again for sharing your strength.