Defining "Best Interest of the Child"
Over the past few months I've received emails from a couple of women asking me to look at adoption in a different way, a way that most of the adoption Web sites or adoption agencies out there fail to see. They have asked me to look at adoption through the eyes of the child, more specifically from the best interest of the child. One woman wrote as an adoptee, the other as a birth mother and each are seeking to look at the best interest of the child, but from a slightly different angle.
Adoptee Ruth writes:"I guess my disagreement really stems from the words: "Rights for the Birth Parents” I guess really I have quite a bit of hostility still and resentment to some degree. Not because I don't believe that they should have rights, but that they while making this conscious decision to give away the child for whatever the reason, that they should do it in the best interest of the child. Never in the best interest of themselves (i.e. expecting to be able to see a child grow up).While birth mother "M" wrote in last week in response to a poll I posted, Why did you place your child for adoption?:I do believe that these birth parents should have proper counseling, all of the facts and be perfectly clear as to what this all means, but at the same time have you ever thought about the child? What is best for them? Or how traumatic it is for them to know that they were the one given away but there are others that were kept?
I am not exactly sure that you will ever understand that, as you have no first hand experience from it on this side of the fence. You have no idea what it is like to be singled out when you are growing up because you are different than everyone else, or that your "parents" aren't really yours. Or the fact that you don't know who you look like and what happens if you go look for these people and you find out that they are drug addicts or people in rehab. Not every story of adoption is a fairytale, nor should it be expected to."
"In your poll, there is no option for "Best-interest of my Child: adoption by the right family is the best option for my child". This is an option that is not only missing from your poll, but unfortunately is also missing from the majority of adoption dialog. Adoption does not have to be a decision only made in the worst-case scenario.There are so many who consider adoption to be "the last resort", and I believe that many children who could and should be placed for adoption are not because of this mentality. The reason for this, I think, is that we too often view the decision only from the perspective of the birth parent. Yes, as a parent, it is always the last resort to give up your child. But looking at things in terms of "what is best for my child", instead of "what is best for me as a parent", yields a completely different answer!"
When I created the poll, I just added the item "other" without much thought, but then the results started to roll in and I knew that “other” wasn’t good enough. There are several who have voted for "other" and it leaves me wondering, "What are the 'other' reasons for placing a child?" After reading the above emails I have to think that perhaps the answer is, "for the best interest of my child". After some discussion "M" shared with me that her husband had pointed out that "best interest" is implied in each of the choices offered in the poll. Then I had to ask, what are the next steps Once a Birth Mother Has Decided That Adoption Is Right for Her Baby no matter the reason for her choice.
What are the "other" reasons? What does "best interest of the child" mean to you? This question is also relevant among foster care providers. Who decides the best interest of a child? What should be considered?
Click "comments" below and post your thoughts.
I personally placed a child in an open adoption 7 years ago I believe I did the best thing for her and we still have contact. The reason I did this was for her she would have been raised by someone who was to young to be a good parent and her father would have made her life difficult. I have had to live with this decision for all of these years but it has become easier as she has gotten older and been intrigued by the whys and hows of her adoption. She knows I placed her because I love her with all my heart and I wanted her to have a fair chance at a good life. I think the open adoption has made things easier on her because she is able to see that I do love her and that I was trying to give her what was best. She has asked about her birth dad and at this point we have not contacted him but this is only because he would no doubt disappoint her with empty promises. When she is older we have agreed to help he find him again and so she can ask any questions she may have for him. She has never been left in the dark as to the fact that she is adopted or who I am. I have since gotten married to another man and had 2 kids who she proudly refers to as her half brother and sister. I know they will all at one point or another ask why her and not them but I am sure we can make them see how different the situation was with each kid. In the end I miss her like crazy but I am glad she got the things I would have been able to give her. The say that all you need is love but unfortunatly that is not true because last time I checked love didn’t put food in your tummy or a roof over your head. Now my first daughter has so many more people who love her and the things that love would not have been enough to get her. I also have a whole new part to my family that is just as important as all of the rest of my family. I feel that the adoptee who was writting on this site is right in her feeling of abandonment because with out an open adoption there are always going to be unanswered questions. People who look down on adoption need to do more research on the open adoption because it seems to be the solution to the problems people had with adoption.
Carrie, thank you so much for this article, for presenting 2 sides to a very difficult issue, and for allowing me to share an opinion that isn’t represented as often as I think it should be.
Ruth: Thank you for helping me to understand a different side of adoption. While it makes me sad to think that my child may one day experience the same emotions and feelings of abandonment that you experience (and it makes me sad to know that you have these feelings, too), I really appreciate your perspective. You’ve given me a lot to think about. (No regrets, just things to consider.)
Steph, thank you so much for sharing your story and your experiences. It’s so nice to know that there are other people out there that have shared similar experiences.
I am an adoptee too, just like Ruth and yes what she has said explains a lot of what I to felt growing up. I felt abandon by my birth Mom but it never stopped me from searching for her. After I found my birth Mom resting at a cemetary I knew then she didn’t abandon me she died when I was 13 months old and that made all the difference in the world to me. But just because adoptee’s feel abandon growing up should not discourage thee birth Mother from putting her baby or child up for adoption,because if this birth Mother can’t care for her baby or child by giving it the things it needs to grow up and become a good adult. Then to me this is the greatest gift of love a birth Mother can do for her baby or child. And I believe that once this child becomes an adult there feelings of abandonment will disappear if they are able to find out the truth. And in order for that to happen all records need to be unsealed in every State that still has sealed adoption records.
Marycaroline
My husband and i adopted my step sisters youngest baby after she was born 2 1/2 years after her brothers were adopted by my older sister.Her brothers were adopted and then later came our little girl.We raise her to know who her brothers are and of course her brothers know she is thier 1/2 sister.we often went back and forth trying to decide what would be best for her now in her situation. Her birth mother didnt even want to hold her when she gave birth and that broke my hart.she still hasnt even seen her and is now 1 year old.I keep a journal for her so when she gets older and the questions come up she will hopefully have a better understanding why she was adopted and why her brothers live with her aunt and uncle and she lives with us. It was not a difficult desicion for us to make.We will have health isues as she grows up and she will need to know,so keeping it from her is not a choice but we are afraid when she learns we are not her birth parents,she may resent us. We dont believe in abortion and we did what we all believed was the best intrest for her. I dont think children need to be lied to just to find out later.I think being open and honest will only help later.
Finally finding a lawyer who was willing to work with me on my first granbaby visitations. Let me give you the picture of best interest of the child here. Waiting in the waitng room of the court house filled with people waiting for their court case to come up, you approach the court room doors and standing waiting for your lawyer to tell you that it was time for for your case to start. While I stand there, a man and a women stood in front of me talking to the worker from the department, going back and forth through these court room doors, relaying information about who else, me. Stating to them grandmother wanted visitations started and don’t worried she is poor and viloence was in the home maybe give it a month! I stood there and my body like must have fell to my feet i couldn’t believe this was happening. Quiet I was thiking to my myself, I am still in American and this is not Russia! As my lawyer told me it was time, I notice this woman setting down with members in the court room a stare cold as ice, looked at me how she knew I was. Later on, I told my lawyer and she stated to me what you want things are going your way! The point I am making what you think appears families given up the love one is not factual! I lost my plans on adopting my only grandbaby, through a rush series of short and sweet answers of a home-study report and told by this adoption worker things looked good for me. The adoption report came in the mail a few days before the last court hearing, I cried, cried and heart broken because 85% of the study was untrue. And my lawyer told the judge that inaccuarate information was wrong. My lawyer gave up on me and I had to lose because of being a working poor person I was nothing to this agency. I witness the birth of this precious baby come into this world and my heart is tore out like nothing. I have nothing agsinst this person who adopted my grandbaby in fact I like her alot. I could tell you more but you got my point. Lawyer told me I am dealing with people who have money!
i’m 13 and my mom put my up for adoption and I knowws how it feels to be alone. I always blamed my mom for my brother and dad. My mom said to me that giving brith to me is one of her biggest mistake in her life. I never beilived it but it was one of the hardest things in my life that I had to go through. My never can understand me, and i bielive most kids like me belive that. We can be stupid or crazy whatever but our parents don’t have the right to say were worthless and not wanted. Even if we act tough/ not scared we are so fragle. I end up crying every night with and that used to be my grandma of course now I don’t have permission to see them. I would cry to my grandma asking her why mom would say all that stuff, and why mom works so far away and only comes back 4 times in a year. All I have to say is adoption can reiuon a child’s life as they get older. We can remeber all the hoildays and brithdays that passed by and it can kill us so much.!!!
I am a 40 year old recovering cocaine addict who lost 4 children when i gave birth to my son addicted to cocaine. My sister stepped in and helped to save my children from being adopted out and i thought that was a blessing. Since she gained custody in 2007 everything has changed and i have only seen my two youngest children twice. I am not financially capable of fighting her in court and she has filed for adoption of all 4 of my children. I miss my children every single day of my life. There isn’t a day goes by that i don’t regret my past but i have never stopped loving my children. I don’t know how to stop this adoption and i can’t afford an attorney, but i still attend all court proceedings in hope that some day when they look back they will know that i didn’t give up on them even though i wasn’t able to beat the system. my sister makes over 100,000 a year and cares for 9 children in all how can i compete against that? So for all you adopted children who are curious about why your parent or parents gave you up know that it is not always the case. I would love to have my babies back. I recently gave birth to another baby girl who i call my destiny and someday i hope to share her with my other babies.
I think some adoptees are not thinking clearly. They have this notion that just because you live in your family origin everything is perfect. Not so. My mother had arranged to place me for adoption but changed her mind at the end. I wish she had given me up! I spent most of my life feeling like I was to blame for her lack of success and happiness in life. I grew up and decided to have only one child. As it turned out, I became pregnant a 2d time because of a failed tubal ligation. My marriage was also falling apart too. So I chose adoption and stuck with it. Fast forward 20 or so years and the relinquish offspring and a-mom contacted me. At first all was well but it deteriorated over several months and now none of us are speaking. I’m sure the a-mom was jealous and the adoptee took her side and then made out like I was the bad one. It makes me wonder if they looked me up just to punish me for a choice I made long ago. Quite frankly, I am sick of unfeeling people who side with adoptive parents and then go on criticize birth mothers (but never birth fathers) and talk about these women “giving their babies’ away. We made the best choices for our circumstances…and yes, the best interest of the child! At least we didn’t MURDER the child in adoption, or leave them in a dumpster or the side of the road like some people do…or “keep them” and maybe abuse them later in life like so many women do like that woman in Texas who drowned all her kids!