In the Forum: When Birth Family Refuse Contact
There are so many wonderful stories about birth families and adoptive families maintaining contact and raising healthy, happy kids. I heard of a birth family that sends gifts to a niece who was placed for adoption 10 years ago. They send Kansas items and other gifts as she was born in KS but is being raised in a North Eastern state. The adoptive family in turn send pictures and reports back, including pictures of the little girl wearing the K-State cheer leading outfit that was sent as a gift. All contact flows through the adoption agency and the arrangement has worked well for all involved.
Then we hear stories that are the exact opposite from the above.My friend, the one I wrote about last week, is struggling with the lack of involvement from birth family. She wonders how to explain this to her daughter as she grows-up.
- Maternal grandmother refuses contact, stating that it would cause her too much pain.
- Paternal grandparents have made no attempt at contact in the last several months.
- Adoptive family of biological sister plan on raising the little one in the dark about her adoption and asked that my friend not tell her daughter that the little girl they visit is actually her sibling.
So, now my friend wonders how to tell her daughter, or if she should tell her daughter. How does she explain that the attempt was made, but her birth family didn't want contact at this time? What should an adoptive parent do at this point to maintain birth family connections when the birth family doesn't want actual contact? Click "comments" below and share your ideas.
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Comments
I don’t see how you can make people have contact if they don’t want to. I would not lie to the daughter, but at age three, there is some time before these become burning issues. You could send yearly letters/photos but then you run the risk of them sending them back (unlikely, but possible.) At this point, if it were me, I would leave the family alone and pray I could find them as the child grows older. Birth grandparents may change their minds, if they aren’t boxed into a corner. Just my two cents.
I am a “Birth Mom” and I PERSONALLY CAN NOT fadium the thought of ANYONE NOT wanting to have anything to do with there OWN BLOOD!
I DO NOT CARE about the circumstances or conditional thought of HOW or WHY a child is brought into this world it IS NOT the child’s fault of WHAT HAPPENED or WHY and to DENY ANY CHILD the right to meet, greet or be a part of THEIR NAURAL FAMILY is BEYOND ME!!!
ANYONE who is ADOPTED and being DENIED the RIGHT PLEASE “NEVER BLAME YOURSELF” for IT IS NOT YOU missing out it is the one’s dening you!
My heart and prayers go to ALL who are in this UNTHINKABLE situation!
God Be with you and Bless you all for you are ALL are the “GIFT OF LIFE” a lesson MANY can learn from!
Be Strong and know YOUR NOT ALONE!!!
Each situation is different. I have thought, at length, how I would feel if the birth parents came into the picture, as well as how my child would feel if they did not. Each situation is different and each child is different. Do what is best for each individual chil. Put your fears, predjudices or anger aside and see what your child needs. It is difficult but it works.
My birthmother has indicated that despite never having met me (not even over the telephone - I wrote to her), she has no interest whatsoever in doing so. I don’t take it personally in terms of “it’s my fault,” because I didn’t do anything wrong. However I do feel the rejection very personally. I will never resolve this fully, I think, despite having tried to do this with the help of an adoption specialist psychologist. It aches.
My birthdad, on the other hand, welcomed me with open arms. But although I loved him as best I could, he was not someone I could relate to very easily. I won’t go into the reasons. But it was a bit of a disappointment. However I hung in there because I don’t have it within me to hurt someone so badly. And also because of the love of Christ, who loves every man - and who was I to treat my birthdad any less lovingly than Christ would? I felt this would be wrong. He is now deceased. I AM glad that I got to know him. I came to know more of who I am, through knowing him, and I choose to remember the good things about him (yes, there were some!) and be glad about those. And I have lovely other new relationships that he brought into my life, other family, who are terrific. So I feel multiply blessed!
I wish my birthmom well, and will always have a special place in my heart for her. But I was given the most amazing and awesome adoptive parents that anyone could ever have, and I feel exceedingly blessed to have them in my life. They are simply unequalled. So my place is with them. There just is no competition here! And, they even hope that my birthmom will one day be able to handle having a relationship with me. What a mature and positive way to be.
I just want to say “thank you” to the kind words from the birthmom here, Kathryn Dobrov. Your words were healing for me, and I receive them with great gratitude and poignance. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotional encouragement. You are an inspiring birthmom, I can tell!