Dealing with Anger and Depression
Thursday April 24, 2008
It's a tough time being an adoptive parent, especially an international adoptive parent. The Hague Convention came into force in the U.S. on April 1 and there are tons of changes to the guidelines. Mardie Caldwell of Let's Talk Adoption gives great advice on how to deal with it all in her article, Dealing with Anger and Depression.
Many adoptive parents understand the strong emotions felt as they weave through the long and tiring adoption process. Read along as Mardie offers clear advice on dealing with the stress of it all.
How do you or have your dealt with the anger, depression and stress of the adoption process? Leave your ideas and thoughts in the comments section below.
Photo © Mardie Caldwell and used with permission.
(Dealing With Adoption –A Short Story)
By LaShonda Y. Wright
Why didn’t my mommy want me? I will never know.
Why didn’t my mommy care? I will never know.
Why didn’t my mommy show love for me? I will never know.
Did I cry to loud, did I wet my diaper too much; did I interrupt a sexual encounter with her and a man that would cause him to leave if I didn’t shut up? Again I will never know! All I know is I (LaShonda Wright) love my children and even though times have most definitely gotten rough, dysfunctional and bad I would never, ever, ever give my children up for adoption! So why didn’t my Mama want me?
I was born back in 1967 to my egg and sperm donors (Eloise and Charles). I don’t know the details of how they met and had their sex flings nor do I want to know. All I know is apparently during conception, the 9-month pregnancy and afterward I wasn’t loved! How could I be if a woman can carry a baby for 9 months and feel the kicks and moves inside, give birth and walk away really love that child? Now don’t get me wrong for 41 years I truly thank Eloise for suffering through those 9 months (well really 8 cause I was premature) because if she would have had an abortion than you wouldn’t be seeing my lovely face today so for that reason I say to you Eloise – “Thank You”.
This is just the short version but one day when I write my book there will be a longer version hopefully that will help other adopted children/adults or pregnant women/girls considering adoption understand and make the right decision. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that adoption is wrong because some women are raped, abused, unstable, mentally challenged or whatever and really can’t take care of their babies so finding a better home for them is probably the best decision. But when we as women decide to lay down with a man (married or single), not use protection and get pregnant all because we’re just being fast then we owe it to our children to raise them for 18 years! That’s just common sense! See Eloise wasn’t raped or anything she was just being hot and had unprotected sex and conceived me so again I ask the question “why didn’t my mama want me”?
Yeah throughout the years she gave me some crazy excuses about my Granny was a woman with pride and you just don’t keep bringing babies (unwed) home. Okay if that was me then I wouldn’t return home and do the best I can for my baby – right? I mean really look at me now at 41 and just had my 6th baby and I never considered adoption! I know that older people are set in their ways and Granny had her reasons but you already got a son, now a daughter, then another daughter (my siblings) so she didn’t make mistakes because she kept having babies so how does a Mother look at her 2 or 3 children and decide which one to choose to give away? It’s like the game “duck, duck, goose” tag you’re it and so LaShonda (me) had to go! C’mon Women how does a Mother really make that decision? Well I asked Eloise and she said that the son (my brother) was already here and Granny accepted him so of course I had to go so to the “Wright’s” I went. That was actually the best decision she ever made for me (until I got older).
Well Gertrude and Walter was the best Mother and Father a little girl could ever have and I truly, truly miss them. Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t the best daughter in the world but unlike my biological parents they never left my side through thick and thin. I think God for my parents because I got to graduate from school, attend a community college, experience married life, stay away from drugs, attend church regularly and just stay grounded and focused the way the taught me. I would have never gotten that if I stayed with Eloise. “Thank You Mommy and Daddy”! But as I got older I realize that my bloodline is still there and because Eloise experience violence and killed her husband and had to be a single parent to the 2 children she decided to keep that some of those characteristics was imbedded in me. So the short side is I didn’t find men like my daddy but I found an abusive husband just like she did. I didn’t just find one “baby daddy” but multiple ones just like she did. So as a result of a lot of crazy situations I became the abuser in my other relationships but I didn’t kill anybody – Thank God!
Now my Mommy died in 1995 and my Daddy died in 1985 (at home) so the bad side about being adopted is where or who do I turn to now? After my parents died my adopted family started acting different. I already had a Uncle (my dad’s brother) try to molest me when I was a child but being the track star that I was I was able to get away and run out the door, then I had cousins that I was raised with tell me that we aint really blood so it’s okay to have sex. I also grew up with a my cousin Pookie who deserted me in High School after her dad Charles told her I wasn’t really her cousin because I was adopted so she didn’t like me anymore! This all was hurtful and a shock to me and most of those people are no longer speaking to me as of today. Then my mommy left my son some money (inheritance) that will be guarded by my Auntie Lucille who has now died and I guess my cousin Billie Jean was next in line to guard it but I haven’t heard from her since my Auntie died so the money is probably already spent because this cousin also told me that we’re not really “blood” cousins either so why would she hold money for a cousin she don’t really claim? And when times have been hard for me, Eloise has come to my rescue at times but probably just to make up for the 365 days of the year for 18 years when she wasn’t around! My other biological family members only care about each other because they grew up together so I’m really just an Outsider to them!
In conclusion I ask you: Who is LaShonda Wright? Do I have Family now since my Mommy and Daddy are gone? Who do I belong to? Is the decision to adopt always best for the child or just the Mother (egg donor)? Why have unprotected sex knowing the risk if you know you don’t want children? I wanted all 6 of mine plus 4 more but because of my age and health reasons I want be having anymore, but to me Adoption is never a choice unless your life or the child’s life is at risk. If you don’t want babies than don’t have sex!!!! Babies don’t ask to be here they are conceived through sex!! Don’t Get It Twisted Please!
Straight From The Heart, P.O. Box 60264
Nashville, TN 37206
You may not want to hear this, butsometimes a mother, through different circumstances such as depression, death of a husband, heart murmur, financial difficulties, etc., has no choice but to give her child up.