This book really opened my eyes as to the pressure that many prospective adoptive parents seem to place upon themselves as they seek to present a perfect representation of themselves for social workers.
Just as real as postpartum depression, post adoption depression can send adoptive parents into a spiral of despair. Perhaps adoptive parents are worn down from the new physical demands of parenting. Perhaps expectations are not fulfilled when the adopted child does not bond as quickly as the new parents had hoped. Whatever the reason, and there are several, post adoption depression is real.
Look for help from authors, Karen J. Foli, Ph.D. and John Thompson, M.D. who lead adoptive parents through The Post-Adoption Blues with many case examples of adoptive families and statements from professionals.
I’ve known of the existence of PAD for about 13 years, since I was really active in a specialized discussion list (pre-yahoogroups) for families of adoptees from the former Eastern Bloc nations. And oh, was that list moderated!! when it came to negative experiences, because it might deter other parents OR (much more importantly back then) come to the attention of the powers-that-be in the “sending nations”, who were enacting moratoria frequently while the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was being bantered about.
Anyhow, adopting two school-aged half-sisters ruined my life, I believe. Certainly destroyed my marriage and finances.
I am glad that this book is out there, to assist the various members of the “adoption triangle.” And I’m glad that SOME adoptions of post-institutionalized children work out for all involved.
I have been considering adopting for a few years, and have had my ups and downs, excitements and anxieties. I was horrified by the previous post that reads “Anyhow, adopting two school-aged half-sisters ruined my life, I believe. Certainly destroyed my marriage and finances.” Now I am really terrified and discouraged.
I feel that adoption is the most rewarding and difficult journey too go through and I would not change it for the world. I have four bio children and we adopted two girls from China 10 yrs old 2007, and 7 yrs old 2009. After bringing our second daughter home I experience PAD that started during the trip to China. My daughter was so different than I had imagined and the trip was not how I had thought it would happen. I realize now that I have had PAD and I am finally starting to feel better. We also went through dificult time financialy after losing our jobs (NOT in my plans). We are picking up the pieces and putting pour life back together. I know that our girls are meant to be in our family and that I had to adjust and realize why I felt the way I did. We had tremendous stressors and life just does not go as planned. But, I have two beautiful daughters that are thriving and everyday we have victories and challenges. So…even having gone through all we have been through and getting over PAD…I would do it all over again.
If you have other kids, DO NOT do it. They may think they want more siblings but they will end up despising them. I know from personal experience. I used to be so happy until 5 years ago when my mom adopted. I’ve spent those 5 years praying a miricle would happen and everything would go back to how it should be but ut never did and for the past 4 years uve wanted nothing more than to just finish school and leave forever, go to a college FAR away and never see them again. My life has jusr flat out sucked. Thank god it’s senior year because I’m gonna crack I really can’t take it anymore. But yeah if you don’t have kids, go for it!
Number 1 rule: NEVER EVER EVER EVER adopt children that are older/bigger than the children you currently have. It is an exceedingly rare occurrence that you adopt an older child without some sort of significant psychological damage. They often are angry at the younger children (especially if they are your bio kids) for having a better childhood then they had and may actively take steps to ensure that they don’t. Think of it this way, would you hire a babysitter that YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED has a good chance of molesting them? Adopting children older than your own is similar, if you really want to make the world a better place, start with your own children.
And remember. Children are people, not tools to make you feel like a better person.