An interesting article from the Philadelphia Daily News caught my attention the other day. It seems that a New Jersey woman is suing the state for 1 million dollars in damages because she feels that a division of New Jersey's Department of Children and Families helped the child she placed for adoption, locate her. The Atlantic City woman reports that she was the victim of rape 30 years ago and chose to place her infant daughter for adoption.
The article state that the woman was contacted by letter by the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) in August 2008. The letter asked her to confirm her identity and whether she was interested in pursing with an adoption reunion as there was an adopted adult seeking contact. The birth mother felt that the letter was an intrusion enough and decided not to answer. Four months later the adoptee made a personal visit to the birth mother's home. The adoptee also contacted one of the birth mother's other daughters. Her other children did not know about the rape or adoptive placement.
It seems that New Jersey adoption law states that adoption records are sealed unless court ordered to be unsealed. Two of the defendants listed in the lawsuit are listed as contacts for the adoption registry operated by the DYFS.
The worst part of this whole mess is that it destroys the concept of open adoption records and an adoptee's right to information. It will perpetuate the idea that adoption is not feasible in a world were records are open. Kansas is an open records state and guess what? Adoption still occurs here! This story is unfortunately not the first unhappy adoption reunion I've hear about.
I have many questions for the adult adoptee. Why did she continue to harass a birth mother that did not want contact? What could have been done differently here? I wonder what preparation this adult adoptee had done before entering an adoption reunion. It is clear that this birth mother was not ready for an adoption reunion.
What are your thoughts concerning this incident and the ensuing lawsuit?
What advice would you give this adoptee?
SOURCE:
Distraught Woman Sues, Alleging N.J. Helped Child of Rape Find Her
Where exactly do you see that this adoptee was harassing her mother? That’s rather inflammatory and negative language for you to use, especially on an adoption website.
Dear “Anonymous, –
A direct quote from the original article by the attorney, “My client went pale. She is devastated and continues to be devastated because her biological child continues to attempt contact with her.”
For someone to feel this way – sounds harassing. Just my assumption. If you continue to read my site you’ll find I’m very pro open adoption records as well as open adoption. But – hey – I’m pretty open with my opinion as well as my name…..note I’m not anonymous.
I can certainly understand why this woman was devastated..she had been raped,& gave the child up for adoption-then goes on,has her own family,only to have the intrusion into her home,& family upset by the child she hoped would be better served by being adopted.If anonymous does not understand this woman’s pain & anger,then you need to talk to other adopteive parents& the adoptees,who have had less than the “happily ever after” ending.
I think it is a very tragic story all around.
I am just so grateful that the reunion with my son has gone really well and continues to do so five years on.
My son was terrified that this could happen to him so he didn’t look for me – thankfully he was actually pleased when I found him because he then knew that I would not reject him.
It makes me very sad when I hear stories like this. It breaks my heart for both parties.
As a facilitator for Adoption triad support groups for 13 years, and a reunited adoptee I can empathise with all parties involved. As an adoptee, I know the longing to reunite and see a birth family member face to face.( sadly my birth parents died before I found my birth siblings) And as a facilitator of an adoption triad group that discusses adoption search and reunion at all of its monthly meetings, I have witnessed the importance of privacy, respect and sensitivity to an individual who has been “found”. I cannot stress enough the importance of those searching to attend adoption triad support groups regularly prior to searching for birth family members. These groups educate the attendees about the unique lifelong emotional issues and dynamics that adoptees and birth parents experience after separation. One also learns about the specific circumstances and societal attitudes that impacted birth parents decades ago in the closed adoption era. Secrecy and shame were often unwelcome labels many birth parents wore because they often felt oppressed and misunderstood by family,society and sadly even churches. When a searching adoptee or birth parent does not take the time to educate themselves about the common emotional issues that may impact the other party, they risk alienating the other person. When one searches for the person they have been separated from by adoption they typically desire to be welcomed with open arms and approval. Disrespecting the other persons privacy and startling them by showing up on their door step or workplace is almost a sure guarantee to relationship failure. Good and enduring relationships are built on trust and respect.(Isn’t that common sense?) If one demands their own way and fails to understand the circumstances and wishes of the other person due to their own pressing desire or lack of patience, they often jeopardize an opportunity to build a healthy and trusting relationship.As a person of faith, I do believe in trusting in God’s timing in these matters. Yes, the birth mother is this article should have replied to the letter sent to her verbalizing her desire or lack of readiness to reunite. But her neglect to do so was not an invitation for the adoptee to rudely show up unannounced. No one wins in this scenario and these stories only sensationalize adoption and reunion and discourage agencies and authories to understand the importance of more openness and honesty in adoption for all parties.
Jody, Chicagoland area
I know you are generally supportive of openness, so I want to respectfully suggest that, even so, your conclusion about “harassment” is overbroad. Here’s why. First, the initial contact, in my opinion, was not harassment. The birthmother should have responded to the letter she got. I can only imagine how painful it was for her, but still, there was another human being involved who deserved a response. Second, all we know about the “continued contact” is a statement from an attorney who is busy setting up a lawsuit. Attorneys can’t lie to the court, but they can certainly slant the facts (I am one). For all we know, “continued attempts” could be a single letter saying “I’m sorry you don’t want contact, but could you at least give me some medical history?” — I think most people would be at least somewhat sympathetic to that and would not call it “harassment.” Finally, I agree that preparation is key, and that adoptees or birth parents who search need to get to know people on the “other side” and try to empathize with their experience before making contact. However, we don’t know what the adoptee here did or didn’t do. I attended a conference several years ago and found myself sitting in a workshop with not one, but two mother-daughter pairs where the daughter had been conceived as a result of rape and did not know that until she searched for, and found, her birth mother. It is quite possible that the adoptee here met people who had a different result, and decided that it was worth taking a chance. Again, without knowing more, I think characterizing this as “harassment” is too much. We don’t know if the adoptee even knew she was the product of rape before attempting contact. — So, instead of agreeing with the birth mother’s attorney that this was harassment, I think everyone observing needs to step back a bit and let the situation play out.
Thanks for the continued feedback on this post. It’s great to see a discussion going.
I’ve been accused of worse offenses than being “overboard” with a word choice.
So, that’s progress.
I agree. Let’s see how this plays out.
Because inception resulted from violent crime — RAPE, the woman’s desire never to permit contact/access should be HONORED INTO PERPETUITY. But her failure to respond to the letter didn’t offer enough proof to adoptee that contact wasn’t welcomed. Adoptee is living in a state of hopefulness & until he/she learns otherwise, one would continue to pursure avenues for a reconnection.
It is sad but a lawsuit is frivolous!
I am a biological mother and in my circumstances I wanted to know my daughter, but there are alot of mothers that don’t feel this same way. If this woman was raped she would probably not want to know her daughter and that should be her right. The agency was wrong to give her biological name to the girl if the mother didn’t want to meet with her..At the same time I think the daughter was rushing things and not caring about the biological mothers feelings. Everyone knows you can not make up for lost time. You don’t just jump into a relationship and become MOm and Daughter. You share the same blood more than likely but face it alot of years have gone by. You really don’t even know eachother. The daughter does have a right to medical history on mother/father side. I feel this for I was adopted myself and finally years later found my biological mother as well as my father’s health issues. Not all reunions work out. I think the woman should be able to sue the agency. Let’s face it the woman knew she could not raise this baby every time she would look at the child she would see the rapists. What kind of life would that have been for the child?
Alot of adopted children have resentment towards the mother and will use the children she has to cause problems, sounds like the biological daughter wanted to open up “a can of worms” not caring who she hurt. How many mothers tell their children that they do raise they were raped and their was a child she had to place out for adoption.? More than likely she was tramatized for years.
I forgot to add this in my previous comment. When I found my biological mother and my biological daughter we both had to sign an affedevite before any info was released to the party that was searching.This agency definately screwed up BIG TIME. If the mother did not answer the state’s letter that should have told them she wasn’t interested. They did not have the right to give the daughter info unless it had been a life threatening problem and even then the mother’s name would need to be kept out of it if she did not want contact with the daughter.
My birth daugher found me about 5 years ago. I didn’t ask for it, but it happened. I found my name plastered on the internet because she started a search based on info she found by deception on her part and poor security measures at the adoption facility my family chose. I was forced to reveal to my children a part of my past that was none of their business (my husband has always known.) It was painful for me but I out of guilt continued the relationship for a few years until I realized the painful effect it was having on my mental state and my marriage. Don’t get me wrong. I never forgot about her, but I GAVE BIRTH TO HER AS A 17 YEAR OLD SCREWED UP KID. I WAS NOT HER “MOTHER.” She had a very good life and wonderful adoptive parents, but her self-serving curiousity caused me serious consequences. I finally broke it off and despite infrequent pangs of guilt I don’t regret it. She doesn’t need me, she has a wonderful adoptive mother and a great life. I am angry that I was forced to revisit my very painful past so that she could satisfy her curiousity. She has suffered no consequences, but the repercussions it has caused my life and my family continue. I have not yet made a final decision about whether or not to sue the adoption agency regarding their incompetence by allowing her to find me.
@Pissed Off: I ache for you. The pain you have felt surrounding this experience is palpable and I wish there were some way to alleviate it, because a lawsuit certainly won’t do it.
However, your daughter has undoubtedly felt intense pain, too. She absolutely “suffered consequences” as the result of being relinquished for adoption (I am not blaming you here–I think you did the right thing) and then being rejected when your reunion didn’t go well. True, she could have gone about the search so much better and so much more compassionately–I very strongly believe that search & reunion sites should NEVER allow postings to show up in search engine results. But it’s unfair to assume that she searched for you simply out of “self-serving curiosity”, as though she only did it to mess up your life.
Many adoptees seek out their birth parents because they feel the need for answers about their medical history, because having one’s history is a vital part of receiving adequate medical care (e.g. unknown issues with anesthesia can result in death). They also desire to know the simple things non-adopted people know: ethnic and religious heritage, where their ancestors came from, etc.
Yes, you may have been a “screwed up kid” when you gave birth to her, but you chose to give her life and with that does come a responsibility to provide her with the information she needs to live it well. How would you feel if, for some reason, the children you raised were denied critical medical information? Or if you were? Or your husband?
I think it’s time for states to fix the mess of adoption and records. If birth parents could file confidential, non-identifying medical and family history information with a state registry, it would allow adoptees to get the info they need without having to contact birth parents. I still believe that adoptees should be allowed access to their original birth certificates–after all, it is THEIR information–but I also support contact preference options along with that. I believe that, already equipped with their medical history info, adoptees would honor their birth parents’ wishes w/r/t contact.
No meaningful, helpful, or lasting change will occur if we act from places of fear, hurt, and retribution–this goes equally for adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents alike. We cannot heal without love, trust, openness, and understanding. There is much work to be done, but we must do so with COMPASSION for each other’s experiences and places within the triad. We ALL deserve at least that much.
Sending you hugs and support, PissedOff, and hoping that you’ll find peace with this soon.
When a contact request is not responded too it is a automatic no..period. The agency should have never given the info out and all involved should be fired. The birth mother did a extremely unselfish thing and gave the kid up for adoption and now is being judged because she wants to not relive the trauma of rape. If i had adopted this kid i would be traumatized by the fact that obviously my daughter doesn’t think i was a great mom and that is why she looking for her “real”one. I don’t know my birth dad but i have a great “real” dad and as a result have no desire to look for the man. If people want others to choose adoption over abortion closed adoptions must be respected and supported. This story makes me fearful to adopt because i fear that no matter how much i mother a adopted child they will reject me and look for a stranger when they get older no matter how much i love them and what i do for them, it will never be enough.I understand wanting to know who “made” you but i think people need to stick to prioritizing who raised you and loves you.I hope this poor woman wins that law suit
Definition of Harass: To disturb persistently; torment, as with troubles or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute.
— This word was used correctly.
** In regards to the reunion gone wrong – I have to agree in confidentiality. My father was recently contacted by a woman he did not know existed. He is 72 years old and now has a daughter he did not know about. She too posted our names and various information all over the internet, claiming to be doing a genealogy table for our family. Meanwhile, myself and my brother are reeling from the effects of this forced entry into our lives and the just add water = instant family. I would have rather not known. I find I dont really have a choice any longer to go back to the “satisfied with my place in the world life.”
Triad has some excellent points here.
I think that unfortunately, in some cases, both birth families and adoptees have expectations for reunion that are impossible to meet. A lot of people seem to attempt contact without the understanding that the other party may not be in the same mental or emotional place, and may not desire any sort of reunion at all. Not everyone has an interest in connecting, and those who do connect may not have a desire to establish some sort of deep familial relationship. It’s wonderful when that happens, but it shouldn’t be the anticipated outcome.
I’m living with this one, unfortunately. I’m currently contending with birth siblings who found me when I did not wish to be found, who have ignored my repeated requests for no contact and seem to believe I am going to be their “instant sister.” I can’t make them understand that they want something from me that I simply cannot provide to them, and that contacting me again and again will not make me change my mind.
@PissedOff: It is so nice to hear that someone else decided to break off the relationship with their adoptee.
My son found me last year. The first 2 meetings went great but then they turned sour because he started getting extremely disrespectful and self centered. He said I treated him as the “special one”. I assured him that I have 3 other children and he is no more important than they are. He told me I feel angst because I only knew him in the later years of his life. I had to assure him, again that even though, I thought of him over the years, my life still went on. Those are just a couple of small examples.
I decided to let him go, he doesn’t make me feel good about myself and like PissedOff, he had a loving family and opportunities that he would have never had if he lived with me.
I know I might sound selfish to a lot of you but I still have 2 boys at home that I need to concentrate on. I am grateful that he found me but I don’t want a relationship with him.
Does anyone know if there are any support groups for b-moms that feel the same way?? Or are PissedOff and I the only people that feel that way?
@PissedOff: It is so nice to hear that someone else decided to break off the relationship with their adoptee.
My son found me last year. The first 2 meetings went great but then they turned sour because he started getting extremely disrespectful and self centered. He said I treated him as the “special one”. I assured him that I have 3 other children and he is no more important than they are. He told me I feel angst because I only knew him in the later years of his life. I had to assure him, again that even though, I thought of him over the years, my life still went on. Those are just a couple of small examples.
I decided to let him go, he doesn’t make me feel good about myself and like PissedOff, he had a loving family and opportunities that he would have never had if he lived with me.
I know I might sound selfish to a lot of you but I still have 2 boys at home that I need to concentrate on. I am grateful that he found me but I don’t want a relationship with him.
Does anyone know if there are any support groups for b-moms that feel the same way?? Or are PissedOff and I the only people that feel that way?
I agree with the earlier comment made from “pissoff”
I am having a bad experience from an adoptive who believes his own quest to be of more importance than the hurt he is causing others.
I disagree with his percieved rights to bring back a painful past all for his curiosty and benifit.
and i am helpless to stop him.
As an adoptee born from rape, I am outraged by some of the comments. I completely understand the adoptee’s desire to find out who she is and I feel nothing but sympathy for the adoptee. Those of you who post that are not adoptees no nothing of the life-long pain experienced as an adoptee. The adoptee’s mother should have responded to the letter; however, the adoptee still should have the right know what happened to her. Now she must feel the worst pain an adoptee can feel as her worst nightmare is now a reality. But at least now she can work through this pain and get the help she needs.
The mother isn’t the only victim here. A helpless child is also a vicitim. And, this child will have a void through her very soul that she will never be able to fill. The best that she will be able to do is learn how to deal with the a hurt that no one else will be able to understand except for those that have experienced the same.
Those that have “new” families…. she is still her child! my word how can you not feel for the child !! She was brought into the world, abandoned, left alone and given away into a strange family for her whole life!
@Stigmatized :
You have all this talk about the trauma and pain of the adoptee, do you not think this raped birth mother is a person too who has the right to have her privacy respected.
Yes the adoptee did not ask to be born or rape, but neither did the birth mother and she did a very unselfish and great thing giving the adoptee up to families who could give her the love and care she deserves as an innocent child, she shouldnt have to respond to the letter.
The Birth mother didnt ask for the adoptee to find her,
She had parents who loved her very much, how dare you regard them as “STRANGERS” – They are her PARENTS and if it wasnt for her own selfish actions she would never have known nor feel the pain and both parties would of been able to carry on their lives happily.
I am sorry for the adoptee that feel that they have the right to their birth family’s information and should be able to basically use whatever means necessary to get the connection and information that they feel is due them.
I am sure that they are entitled to know about their birth families’s medican history.
Howevert, the parent that relinquished them shoud be able to have a say in whether or not they are contacted and wheether or not they introduce the child to other family members other than the birth father.
This child has rights but should that negate the rights of the woman that gave birth to them and then relinquished them to what they hoped were happy homes?
I feel so sorry for this rape victim. It seems that she tried to do the right thing and then was punished for it years later.
I also feel sorrow for the adult child but some consideration and respect for the wishes of the birth mother should be warranted.
If I am asked if I want contact and I do not reply, to anyone, and then they make a PERSONAL VISIT to my home; that feels like harassment to me. I agree with the use of the term by the blogger.
I understand an adoptee’s desire to know her birth mother, but if the birth mother also has the right to not have a relationship and to her privacy. My mother was contacted almost 10 years ago by a daughter she had given up for adoption. She wrestled with whether to have a relationship, consulted a therapist, and for reasons that only she fully understands but that are her right, chose not to open that door or tell my sister or me. My mom wrote a long letter to her, explaining her decision and also provided medical information. She also expressed her deep fear that her that my sister and I would find out. This should have been the end of it, I believe. But my half-sister went on a search for us, even calling my sister’s best friend and explaining who she was. (She later told us that in searching for our mom, she contacted my mother’s good friend, on the advice of her support group). Her own need to know has trumped anyone else’s boundaries, and she has indicated to me more than once that my mom is very out of the norm for not wanting a relationship. It is good for me to see that my mom is not alone in feeling violated.
My mother gave a child up for adoption which I found out about when I was pregnant with my child 7 years ago. I received a phone call by my “half sister” informing me I had a half sister. My mother and her adopted child had reconnected 2 years prior and the adoptee was able to find out everything about her origin, etc. My mother did not want her to contact any of her family but the adoptee did just that. When my mother found out I knew and my siblings she fell down and nearly had a heart attack. She has never gotten over this betrayal of trust. My half sister also called an old friend of my mothers and a high school friend of mine before contacting me because”she was advised to do this by adoptee support groups to find out how the person may react to this information” That is the most ridiculous logic ever and it has caused my mother pain beyond belief. Adoptees have every right to know everything but some consideration would have aileviated the pain that my family has had to deal with. She went way too far. If my mom wanted me to know she should be the one to tell me and my sister. Of course we have nothing but compassion and understanding for her decisions, and we forgive her. I myself went through fertility issues and know that the adoptive parents received the most precious gift but my mom has trouble seeing that because of her terrible shame and my sister and I now have the burden to reassure her we love her.
I read a lot of the comments here, and being an adoptee myself I am outraged. First and foremost I was a product of a rape, my birthmother accepted a ride from someone and she was raped. She is a Roman Catholic, there was no report or anything written, I grew up feeling abandoned even though I had birth parents who loved me. I didnt except their love because I had a whole in my heart the size of a bowling ball. I tried to find out my medical history and also the man that supposedly raped her. I have four kids whom I love dearly if I was raped and got pregnant I would not bring a child in this world. Love starts within the womb, how in the world can a person love something growing inside of them thats a product of a rape. I struggle everyday with not knowing, while she lives her life, if I had that oppurtunity I would have done the same thing. I dont want a relationship I just want some holes to the puzzle filled. I think its different for us when we are products of a rape because we are messed up from the door. I despise the lady that carried me for nine months disgusted because she didnt want to disappoint God and get an abortion, so she pawned me of for someone to raise me and try to understand all the mental problems that came with me. We suffer too we deserve to know our roots. I deserve to know if the story is true or not. How can you accept a ride from someone and not know what they look like? I dislike the lady and she would never have to worry about seeking her out. Trust it would not be a joyful thing. I suffered for years back and forth to therapist in and out of the hospital. You have to understand if someone was raped the person that did it had something wrong with them and to bring a product inthis world from that person is absord. All the counseling in the world would never make this pain go away, all it does is hurt more. I wish I could run my dna through the system to see who my kin is so I can have some type of connection to my mental and medical history.Thank you and have a blessed day.
I read a lot of the comments here, and being an adoptee myself I am outraged. First and foremost I was a product of a rape, my birthmother accepted a ride from someone and she was raped. She is a Roman Catholic, there was no report or anything written, I grew up feeling abandoned even though I had birth parents who loved me. I didnt except their love because I had a whole in my heart the size of a bowling ball. I tried to find out my medical history and also the man that supposedly raped her. I have four kids whom I love dearly if I was raped and got pregnant I would not bring a child in this world. Love starts within the womb, how in the world can a person love something growing inside of them thats a product of a rape. I struggle everyday with not knowing, while she lives her life, if I had that oppurtunity I would have done the same thing. I dont want a relationship I just want some holes to the puzzle filled. I think its different for us when we are products of a rape because we are messed up from the door. I despise the lady that carried me for nine months disgusted because she didnt want to disappoint God and get an abortion, so she pawned me of for someone to raise me and try to understand all the mental problems that came with me. We suffer too we deserve to know our roots. I deserve to know if the story is true or not. How can you accept a ride from someone and not know what they look like? I dislike the lady and she would never have to worry about seeking her out. Trust it would not be a joyful thing. I suffered for years back and forth to therapist in and out of the hospital. You have to understand if someone was raped the person that did it had something wrong with them and to bring a product inthis world from that person is absurd. All the counseling in the world would never make this pain go away, all it does is hurt more. I wish I could run my dna through the system to see who my kin is so I can have some type of connection to my mental and medical history.Thank you and have a blessed day.
This is to address “Pissed Off”. Just because your daughter has “nice adoptive parents” doesn’t mean she doesn’t have the right to look for you, or doesn’t need you. I’m sorry, but adoptive parents are not your REAL parents! Everyone has the need to be with their biological family. It’s human nature. A lot of adoptees never bond with their adoptive family, and vice versa. Being adopted causes a lot of emotional issues that never go away. You go through life not knowing who you are and you know that when you were born you were rejected. Thats a terrible thing to live with. I think adoptees go through a lot. Then you have the issue of health problems. I’m an adoptee, and back in 1998 I suffered acute liver damage from an allergic reaction to medication that was prescribed. The doctor said If my liver functions did not improve in a year, I would need a transplant. Luckily I got well. In situations like this, its pretty scary when you don’t know who your blood relatives are. Even then, would they be willing to help? A message to birthparents- love your child that you gave up. It’s easy to run away. Face the situation to make things right, no matter how hard it is. You’ll feel better about yourself in the end, and you could very well have a lasting relationship with your adult adoptee.
I am an adoptee. What is your definition of a good home?
Being educated in private schools, being a spoiled little rich kid showered with material things?? My adopted parents did just that. Anything I wanted I got. But what about love? Bonding? My relationship with my adopted parents was missing the important things. I never got close to them. In fact, my adopted parents never ever told me they loved me or even hugged me. I never bonded with them either. So I looked for love through friends. I started drinking when I was 16. Drinking at school with friends, smoking, rebelling. I felt very empty. I felt a need to be with my real mother, my birthmother. I did meet my birthmother about 5 years ago. It went ok in the beginning but then there was a lot of jealousy coming from her two other kids that she raised. They never made any effort to talk to me or anything. I knew that this wasn’t going to last, and sure enough one day I got a phone call from my birthmother stating she basically didn’t want to offer any support of any kind to me. So it was her way of breaking things off. I was angry for a while but after talking to two counselors, they stated that this has nothing to do with me, its all about my birthmother. That she “doesn’t have it in her”, and its “not in my best interests to stay in contact with her”. After going through a lot of emotional trauma with this, (being rejected twice), I’ve basically moved on. At times I think of her and it hurts me, but what can you do? I’m happy with my life right now, and Yes, I have lots of material things, but the emptiness will always remain in my soul.
I am an adoptee and feel for all parties concerned. A terrible wrong was committed leading to the birth of a child in this situation thus leading to two victims. I have read all the replies to this post with interest as the subject of rape and adoption is an extremely emotive one. It gets to the very core of whether adoption is even an appropriate ’solution’ in a situation like this. I have no doubt that the birth mother did what she felt was right for herself and her child and hoped to put the matter firmly behind her and attempt to pick up the pieces of her life. She would have no doubt ‘believed’ that the child was better of and would be raised by a family that would love and care for her in a way she knew she could not. I am assuming that the birth mother believed that these records would be sealed indefinitely.
I believe it to be a realistic fact that a large percentage of adult adoptees feel like a part of them is missing for most of their life. No matter how much love is shown to an adoptee by their adoptive family, they will likely be plagued by unanswered questions. Simple things like who they look/act like to the more serious questions relating to medical history as mentioned by others. The unknown can be ‘crippling to live with’ and can in many cases lead to mental health issues such as depression for adoptees.
Both parties were victims here. Their suffering is of equal significance and neither should be judged. They are, however adults now and as such both should possess the ability to stand in each others shoes. Neither party in my opinion has shown respect for the other or behaved rationally. Carrie, I would agree with the comment Barbara made earlier that we are getting half of the story here with many details missing and from a newspaper! Any true discussion should begin with an examination of all relevant facts.
“Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilisation.”
George Bernard Shaw.
I have read most of these comments with great interest. As a birthmother, I hope to always be treated respectfully and my wishes as to whether or not to meet my child be granted.
I have been married now for 4 years and an uninvited visit to our private home would be a total shock!
My husband knows I have a child, so it is not that I am trying to hide a terrible secret.
I won’t lie, it does terrify me how much personal information is so easily accessable through the internet and companies who search for people for $14.00 with your complete address and phone number is very distressing to me.
I hope this women wins her case as she clearly did not wish to be contacted. Whether the child is a product of rape/not is irrelevant. It is the most gutwrenching experience to lose a child to adoption. I call it my “insane time” because that was what it was. I have no contact with the birthfather and know he changed his name after the adoption. He was Morman, ashamed and in law enforcement.
I also understand the childs curiousity and hopefully their can be a resolution. It was a hasty decision to go to her birthmothers door but I also feel the child is entitled to know heritage and medical history.
As I mentioned earlier, I am married now and want to live in the present. I am happy and well-rounded and am excited about our future together.
I don’t know what decision I will make if contacted. My fear is the child will be a “monster” in our lives. Or I will be a dissappointment to him. I pray for peace for all birthmothers and children who are adopted.
i think that is just sick! If the mother didnt want contact then the adpotee should have left it well enough alone! i am adopted and i have found my birthmother only to be hurt and disappointed by her again. to me when you give up your child you are already damning yourself to hell and do not diserve to ever have anything to do with that child again. people that just give away their problems to someone else to deal with aren’t right in the head or heart anyways! so why would you want to find them? my birth mother showed up at my mom’s and dad’s front door one day asking where i was! this was intrusive in my life so i can understand first hand what its like to not want someone to just bambard themselves into your life when you clearly dont want them there. as you said this birthmother didnt want to meet her daughter she didnt give a damn about her as a baby so what made this adpotee think she would care now? personally i think all adoptions should be sealed and closed for both parties. the only thing you should be able to find out is your “birth family’s” medical history. if you give away your child what makes you think you have the right to know how they are later/ and if you were givin up as a child i can understand that you would want to “know where you came from” but one thing i have learned is you arent definded by the person who gave birth to you, you are your own person and if your adopted most likely you have a mother and father that love you very much why would you want to hurt everyone around you just to get the answers YOU want? it only makes you as selfish and low as the crap that threw you away. i know this is kinda harsh but reality is always nice!
Some of these comments are absolutely amazing. When I was 16 I was raped by a sadistic and evil family friend and looking back I am glad I had an abortion.
To be raped and then be haunted by the adoptee would of been even further violation, I think its disgusting how adoptees can be soo damn selfish.
Dont they understand what it takes to give life, to grow them for nine months, bore them and then give them away when you never wanted to be pregnant or have them in the first place.
Its not like taking a poop on a toilet, its horror physically and mentally you cant escape from and its done 100% purely for the adoptees benefit, so they can live and have life. How dare they they think we owe them relationships and what ever else they see fit because they were ADOPTED.
They should be grateful they are here, many unwanted children didnt even get to see daylight.
I am a BM too…I was not but 15… I was reunited with my birth daughter and after less than a year she was moved in with me ..I have two other daughters and they didnt know anything until someone called one of my daughters searching for me! I did agree to meet but now completely regret this…Alot of Adoptees say they are not angry or want anything other than a relationship with u or their other sibling!! she IS ANGRY …started causing so much fighting ..lying, split personalities..calling police dept in my hometown saying COMPLETE LIES! I want NOTHING to do with her and IM perfectly fine with it!
I am so relieved to read these comments from other birth mothers regretting having had any contact with the child they placed for adoption. Yes they are angry and determined to try to make you pay for what they feel you have taken from them. We have taken nothing, but instead given them a chance for happiness that we were not able to provide them. I too regret deeply that I ever agreed to a meeting with the baby boy i placed up for adoption. He has caused so much trouble throughout my entire family. He crossed lines he should never have crossed and the result is I will never have anything to do with him again. He accepts no responsibility for his actions, and instead goes from one member of MY family to another telling lies I am supposed to have said, but in fact have not. He has tried very hard to come between MY family and I, but will soon find out that is backfiring on him. The more that surfaces, the more they see that he is a trouble maker. He contacts MY family, bad mouthing me and then says he cant understand why I now am rejecting him. Its sick and disgusting and hass been saying he just might kill himself. Its the pity me party I and my family have witnessed for some time now. If he doesnt get his way and cannot control everyones feelings he goes on another rampage and attack on me. Its so over for he and I. I never want anything to do with him again. I feel your pain!!!!! Im so sorry for all the birthmothers that are dealing with this!!!!!!!! We should have provided medical info only and said NO to any reunion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
? it only makes you as selfish and low as the crap that threw you away. i know this is kinda harsh but reality is always nice!
Nice, really nice. So I am selfish and low because I “threw” my son away? Any idea what it was like to be 16 and pregnant in 1971? No, I didn’t think so.
We can leave medical info for our children on their file in Canada and have no contact – how I wish I had done that instead of entering reunion with a 36 year old son who had only found me to satisfy his parents desire to “thank” me. Useless gesture – I didn’t relinquish him for THEIR benefit, I did it for him.
And, let’s turn this around – if it was the original mother hounding the adoptee the viewpoints of the adoptees on this board would be “How dare she”
After 3 years, my son cut off all contact. So be it. My life is more peaceful and calm without him. I have ensured it stays that way.
And I am REALLY SICK of adoptees always spouting off about their “rights”.
Your perceived “rights” do not override my right to privacy and my right to choose my own path. If you have issues, see a counselor. I think a lot of adoptees connect with their original mothers so they can pay them back. You know, make contact, become part of the original mother’s life (forcing her to deal with soooooo much pain – the original loss and the ensuing years, gone, just gone) and then, disappear.
I once saw adoption reunion referred to as the “post adoption autopsy” – so much more fitting.
Did you know – that over 50% of reunions are finished before three years and the figure is closer to 80% at the 8 year mark?
Adoptees want the best of both worlds – their (hopefully) secure, loving afamily and unconditional love from a person they refuse to acknowledge as their mother.
A better description of adoption reunion I saw on another website – “Post Adoption Autopsy”
We did the best we could with the resources at hand at the time. Better we should have left the records locked shut than put up with some of the crap adoptees think they can dish out.
Medical info, yes, the rest – no, leave it buried.
Did you know – that over 50% of reunions don’t last 3 years and the figure is closer to 80% at the 8 year mark?
And reunion with a child that is not really your child (all those missing years) is a most unsatisfactory relationship.
Better I should never have met him. I loved him all my life and now I don’t even like him very much.
And original mothers who do not want a relationship with your relinquished children – there is nothing wrong with you. We have a right to make a choice and if we choose to NOT have an unsatisfactory relationship with a barely interested child.
And how is it, that original mothers have to always be the “adult”? Whatever happened to common courtesy? You know, when someone emails or phones you have the courtesy to reply in a timely fashion (not 6 weeks later)?
Adoptees just be grateful – you could all so easily have been abortions.
My late husband was adopted. I saw him search for his natural mother his whole life but was not successful. Listen birthmothers who want nothing to do with their children! These people didnt ask to be brought into this world. Using the old sick excuse of i wanted more for him or her is just insane. Did you check into if his adopted parents were drug users or alcholics or child molesters? No probably not because all you can do is feel sorry for yourself and your neat little world. So you throw one child away and have more you keep. Shame on you even cats and dogs and other creatures raise their young but it was easier for you to walk away and not expect the day to come when these children want to and should have a right to know, God bless the parents who gave their children away and have reaccepted them back into their livfs and shame on the ones who dont accept their own children!!!
I am an adoptee, and did an exhaustive search for my birth family. I think that every person has a need to know where they come from. Unless you are adopted, I don’t think you can understand this. I was put into a family that did not consider me as one of their own. I was always the “adopted” child. I was treated different by my parents and not considered part of the family with aunts, uncles and grandparents. As an adult, I have basically no contact with any of my adopted family. So I searched with a desire to find out where I belonged in the world.
I found out that I had two siblings, who I found and I adore. I also found out that I am a product of rape. It is very very difficult to find out that you are basically a “monster”. While I sympathize greatly with the birth mothers.. Many sound like they have little empathy for the child that they brought into this world, even if not by choice. My siblings view me as their own, and do not view me as the monster that I see myself as.. Anyway, interesting topic.. Just wanted to explain my view…
I’ve been really interested in reading these comments.
Not all adoptees or people with missing parents want to find their bio families. I can vouch for that.
I’m the person who wrote above that I was found and harassed by biological siblings. I can honestly say that I do not have a desire to “find where I came from.” I do not feel any attachment or family bond with those bio relatives. I don’t care about them whatsoever. I finally got them to leave me alone by sending certified letters threatening to file charges against them for harassment. If they contact me again, I will have no qualms about doing so.
I KNOW where I came from…from the family who loved me and raised me. I really feel that a lot of adoptees have some idealized vision of how their bio families are, and they blame every issue in their adopted families on the fact that they are adopted. Get real! Every family has issues! Your bio parents could have been abusive just as easily as your adoptive ones.
And the whole “you threw your child away…” what would the adopted kids want instead? To be raised by the bio mother in a home where they are not wanted? To be aborted? What? Giving a child up for adoption is an act of empathy and compassion…it is making a decision that you’re not going to be a good parent and that your child will have a better chance with another family. Adoptees…grow up and realize that. Your birth parents gave you life. Take that and be grateful. Don’t expect anything else from them.
All I felt, when my bio siblings contacted me, was resentment that they felt they had the right to invade my life any way they chose. It was selfish. It was completely lacking in compassion. And it made me go from complete indifference for them to complete hatred.
The day after xmas 12/10, i was sitting on my porch and a child i gave up for adoption showed up.there is no way to describe how you feel.Shock is not even close,guilt.I tried to talk to this child a few times to find out what was wanted.Well let me tell,I received pictures of him holding some large gun,a cat eating a mouse,pictures of him hurt from practicing martial art.A sense of entiledment and knowing he wants to hurt me.He tried to buy my info from the agency,kept applying to hospital until they unlawfully let my info out. Had us investigated was not suptised of sibblings,ordered my husband to bring them in. Will not stop calling and hanging up or texting or showing up and hiding where he thinks i dont see him.Nobody knows in our family l had a baby and i have that right to keep it that way.All med,releg,any info needed was given at time of birth,if i found out different i would of sent info to parents.He does not care of what his apporching me has done how sick i have got.no one knows how he was conceived and its not his right to know.I chose to give him life and when i changed my mind i was forced not to change my mind.Why is it that these adopted children wait until age 24or25 when they can respect and handle hows others will feel.Just because we turn 18 and the law says we are adults does not mean we are mature to handle certian things.I WAS TOLD BY HOSPITAL BASICALLY CATS OUT OF BAG LIVE WITH IT! Is that fair? They will not even give me counciling and offered an insulting number. I do not even know if i have to move or get legal pertection from this child for my well being. AND PEOPLE SAY IT IS THEIR RIGHT! WHAT OF OURS! MY LIFE HAS BEEN DESTROYED! I even had to give up the fight for my living back becauseof this.How is that fair to my little ones to take away every day things needed to live?
ZOE: I don’t buy your detached attitude about being adopted. Read the Primal Wound. All adoptees struggle being disconnected from their birth families, regardless of how loving their adoptive family is. Some just deny it better.
LITTLEGIRL48: You’re pretty sick, threatening that your son “could have been an abortion”. You made it pretty clear why he cut off all contact. I think your name “littlegirl” is telling.
JAMAICA SUN: Well said.
BIRTHPARENTS: I don’t think you need a support group for birthmothers – you need therapy to grow up. Aside from examples like rape or incest, birthparents have a responsibility to be available when their biological children find them. Frankly, I think the healthiest birthparents find their children first or give their contact information to the court in the event their children look for them.
What did you think – you could have a child, turn them over to strangers, and that’s it? Really? Stop hiding behind, “I was only a teenager” – you’re not a teenager now. Why do you think your relinquished children “just show up” and surprise you? It’s because you are avoiding them and this part of your reality. If you had made yourself available with an open and healed heart, they wouldn’t have to work so hard to know you – something you seem to equate with “bothering” you.
Your “stay away from me” tactics are an obvious attempt to deny the pain trapped inside you. Come on, step up. Heal yourself so you can be a strong, healthy parent – to ALL your children.
If the children you relinquished find you and threaten you, call the cops – that’s what healthy parents do when ANY of their children behave this way.
ADOPTEES: If you’re from a reunion where you weren’t embraced by your birthfamilies, you aren’t at fault. If your birthparents can’t treasure you it says more about the kind of people they are – not who you are. Healthy parents don’t say, “I gave you life”, they say, “You are a gift.”
@ CJMJ: I’ve actually read the Primal Wound, as a well-meaning relative bought it for me years ago, and I thought it was complete melodramatic rubbish.
It’s impossible to apply one psychological standard to every single adoption situation. Billions of people the world over have been in foster and adoptive homes. Do you think every single one of them reacts the same way? Of course they don’t. Everyone has their own background, their own life, and their own way of approaching things. Don’t try to justify your own attitudes by saying everyone MUST have them. They don’t.
And perhaps some of us are less willing than others to blame people for our emotional shortcomings. Instead of whining about the past or looking for something that simply does not exist, I choose to embrace what I have, and the family I have.
The entire idea that birth parents–and birth siblings–need to be “open and available” without any regard to their well-being, just smacks of entitlement. How dare you tell another human being how they should live? Oh, that’s right, your NEEDS as an adoptee trump the needs, emotions and lives of everyone else. That’s right? You want some Holy Grail of The Birth Parent to make your life complete, and you won’t stop until you get it, no matter who you hurt along the way.
The gift your birth family gave you was life. They owe you nothing more. And your happiness and success as an adult depends on YOU. Not what you expect someone else to give to you.
Frankly, if I ever became pregnant, I would not even consider adoption. I’d have an abortion out of hand, and it’s because of entitled attitudes like this.
@ CJMJ: I’ve actually read the Primal Wound, as a well-meaning relative bought it for me years ago, and I thought it was complete melodramatic rubbish.
It’s impossible to apply one psychological standard to every single adoption situation. Billions of people the world over have been in foster and adoptive homes. Do you think every single one of them reacts the same way? Of course they don’t. Everyone has their own background, their own life, and their own way of approaching things. Don’t try to justify your own attitudes by saying everyone MUST have them. They don’t.
And perhaps some of us are less willing than others to blame people for our emotional shortcomings. Instead of whining about the past or looking for something that simply does not exist, I choose to embrace what I have, and the family I have.
The entire idea that birth parents–and birth siblings–need to be “open and available” without any regard to their well-being, just smacks of entitlement. How dare you tell another human being how they should live? Oh, that’s right, your NEEDS as an adoptee trump the needs, emotions and lives of everyone else. That’s right? You want some Holy Grail of The Birth Parent to make your life complete, and you won’t stop until you get it, no matter who you hurt along the way.
The gift your birth family gave you was life. They owe you nothing more. And your happiness and success as an adult depends on YOU. Not what you expect someone else to give to you.
Frankly, if I ever became pregnant, I would not even consider adoption. I’d have an abortion out of hand, and it’s because of entitled attitudes like this.
And one more thing…adoption means that yes, sadly, your birth parents DID NOT WANT TO RAISE YOU. They did NOT WANT TO HAVE A CHILD. Why would you think they’d do a complete 180 degree turn on that and suddenly be overjoyed to see you and welcome you if you tracked them down when you were an adult? Again it’s about your expectations and wants…not reality.
I don’t think anyone should ever embark on a reunion project without the clear understanding that the person they’re seeking out might say no. They don’t have to do something just because YOU want it from them. If you can’t handle that, go to therapy.
If you were to make unwanted contact with a SO, ex-spouse, colleague, neighbor, etc. we would call it stalking and harassment and say that the stalker was at fault. It’s no different here.
Zoe’s comments are completely valid. Adoptees have no right to contact their bios without their consent. Bios have their right to privacy, which is an absolute in this context. Adoptees have no right to violate that privacy and forcibly impose themselves upon their bios, regardless of their rationales, for their bios are not their slaves. A blood relation entitles one to nothing. As for medical information, an adoptee can obtain a medical profile via DNA tests, which will provide information about one’s sensitivity to medicines, etc. Since one’s health is an aspect of one’s own body and not of one’s bios, one is solely responsible for knowing one’s own health profile and paying for it out of one’s own pocket. There is no objective need, therefore, and no valid right to impose oneself upon one’s bios. Zoe said that a woman who gives up her child for adoption could have instead chosen to undergo an abortion. That’s reality, and a woman who chooses to have her child adopted is implicitly serving the child’s best interest, even if that is not her explicit motive, for she is giving that child an opportunity (not a certainty–no certainties in life) for a chance at better quality of life than she can provide. That IS a gift, a gift made out of a rationally selfish regard for her own capacities and the child’s best interest and well-being.
You bios owes you nothing. Face the reality that you must assume full responsibility for the course and outcome of your own lives by developing your own personal identity and positive self-esteem, which no one, neither your bios nor your adoptive parents can give you. How ? By discovering your own intelligence and efficacy for living by developing your own skills and talents, supporting yourselves entirely by means of productive work that you enjoy, and nurturing your selves by living healthily.
First off, I was so in tears when my best friend & I came upon this website she wrote for me & yes I was wrong not to read it over first. It was not detachment that I was feeling,but a lot of hurt,anger&pain. When I said I changed my mind & it was to late, it was to late because the attorney started harrassing me by different means. YES, there is proof of that, I made sure of it. I was by myself with nobody to help. Do you have any idea of what an attorney would do yrs ago to get a healthy child. I do, when you have no money or help there was nothing that could be done at the time. Who would of believed a young,broke,singlewoman to an attorney who was well known. Now people would over 20yrs they woud not. When you give up a child it rips you apart,not wanting to you can not describe the pain. I knew where my child eas all his life and he has had the best way more than I could of,execpt me being there. It eas not strangers if you take time to really know the adoptive parents. I was not even allowed to give birth in the hospital of my choice where I could of recieved help to stop proceedings. It took 5 yrs,for me to even function again. My children deserve the same care free normal teenage yrs as any adoptee. I understand the adoptee veiw also,but how many of us really are mature at 18-20 to deal with things we do not understand? What right did my child have in demanding My records then offering to pay cash for them?
Not only that,what right did my child have getting ahold of My Court Sealed Hospital Records. When my child showed up demanding on the spot to my husband to meet siblings wihout a chance to talk with them first. What gives the right for a bio child who you wanted to get to know lie,play headgames and send threating pictures to birthparent who was willing to get to know them? Why was it alright for child to investigate and dig into all areas of my life before coming to me when child already knew where I was? I had to give up a legal battle for my job because of what was going on. Is that fair? Would you want to be responsible for people getting hurt because you ignored pictures sent to you that where threatening? Instead of coming to my door my child sneaks around with a person that is close to child, If I reported this do you have any idea what problems child would have? I can not do that and will not unless forced. Nobody can say what they will do because its different for everyone. Twice I have lost my child you call it detachment I call it coping any way I can. I do not care who you are, nobody has a right to do by whatever means they chose to get what they want. I wish my child the best, even offered to go to counciling? My child would not even say onething about self even favorite color what or if taking a class, all that was wanted was to guilt and hurt me. I was told by a adoption bioparent searcher and counciler that this is common for young adopted males. If true I do not know,what I have been through maybe it is. It was illigal for hospital to give my records out. What was even worse was we gave a precious gift to a couple who knew ways of contacting me and did they try after they were told what hospital did, no they said write your mother wants no contact at this time so instead they paid for a flight to me and let my life be turned upside down.
ZOE: I appreciate the things you said, and agree with some of them. My post has nothing to do with blame. It has to do with being whole. A person who blames or feels entitled says, “You did this to me and you owe me something so I can be happy.” A person who desires to live authentically says, “I want to know all parts of myself.”
It surprises me that you see adoptees as feeling “entitled” for wanting to discover their biological families, yet somehow birthparents who believe they have no responsibility to their relinquished children are not exhibiting entitlement by saying “I owe you nothing”?
Just because a birthparent didn’t want a child doesn’t mean they can’t grow into someone who accepts and realizes that their child may want to know them someday. Forget about relationships, I’m talking about just knowing who they are, meeting them, shaking hands or exchanging an embrace.
I met both my birthparents and there is no question we are ALL better for it – more real about who we are and where we came from, even though relationships did not progress. My own birthmother, who swore to herself that she never wanted to know me, grabbed the sides of my face with tears pouring down her cheeks and told me she loved me, same with my birthfather. Their past speeches about a “right to privacy” collapsed and crumbled in the face of the human spirit. They had tremendous strength and courage to meet this head on.
I think it’s good you wouldn’t consider adoption if you got pregnant – the world doesn’t need another birthmother arguing about her right to privacy. Being a mother is a lifetime responsibility, an intimate connection with another human being that doesn’t end because a lawyer said so.
@ CJMC: I am glad that your reunion had a happy ending. Most do not.
However, I think that you miss the point. A birth parent has made a conscious decision NOT to be a mother. She DOES have the right to give that up. When a birth parent relinquishes her child, she is taking full responsibility and trying to ensure that child will be well cared for by someone else. She has met all her obligations to that child. It is not “entitlement” to recognize that she has a choice to make a break.
EVERYONE has the right to dignity, privacy and safety. That’s not just a birth parent right and it’s not a special entitlement. It’s a universal right.
Let me tell you about MY experience with bio relatives, in case you didn’t read it above. They found me. They continually contacted me, and when I did not give them the response they wanted, they started harassing my family. They made it clear that they wanted me to be their ready-made sibling, without any regard to what I wanted or how they were disrupting my life. All that mattered was what THEY wanted and expected.
And yes, that is an entitled attitude. I did nothing to those people, and yet they seemed to think I owed them something.
If you don’t consider yourself whole unless you know about your biological roots–that is your personal hangup. It’s not reality. Adoptees DO assign blame…so many of them go through life whining about how everything wrong in their life is due to the fact that their bios didn’t want them and they felt unloved. It’s not a Get Out of Jail Free card for emotional fragility for the rest of your life. It’s also not a justification for harassment or stalking.
I understand what you are saying. What I meant by entitlement is he came demanding not answers or to know us, hinting at needing money, lying and sneaking around. He demanded that 3 min after showing himself to meet siblings, w/o even letting us talk to his siblings to explain. He wanted things done his way, not what was best for all kids involved. He wants to know everything anout me, thats fine. Is it fair he will not even say what favorite color is? He needs no money, his parents are done really well,paying for universty among living arrangement. If a adopted child finds way home, one would think they wanted take a chance. I was open arms, I received pics with gun aimed at me, a cat eating a mouse & him sneaking around instead of coming to us. I was adopted one one side. I do understand,but you dont send threatening pics. Was it fair this cost me my job? I love him very much, he is not ready maybe in a few yrs.
So what I meant by entitlement was his actions of wanting everything his way,not what was best for all siblings. Right now he is angry,I understand,he will not even try counciling with me. Is it fair to the others who are still in school to be intoduced so he can walk away from them? They deserve normal childhood he had. He had a good one.No I am not just saying it either. It is not right for anyome to walk into someones life not caring about what effect you will cause to others and demand your own way without giving a little of yourself in return.How can I trust him when he has in a way of expressing anger threatened me. He was wonderful opps, to make something of his life,and will ruin it if this continues. He has more opps than I could ever give his siblings and I am proud of the person he is growing into.
His sense of entitlement goes even farther. He did not care that people lost their jobs or that federal laws where broke to gain my personal info. What of those people? Yes, it was part their own fault, not all. Is it right to push to pay cash for info that is court sealed. I was not the onlyone to lose my income. You open your arms to your child and you expect anger, some wanting to lash out, but not threats. I work with kids, I had a pic sent to me with him holding a large gun looking into pic, would you want to go to work and be responsible for little ones? Thats what eas sent when I asked for some pics,even his mother said it feels like I am being stalked. We talked for a long time, I also learned alot. So I never meant all adoptees have a sense of entitlement. He is just not mature enough right now and angry, I respect and expected this,but not threats.
ZOE: No, I am not missing your point – I don’t agree with it. Even the title “birthmother” acknowledges the reality that a woman is still a mother to a child who they did not want to raise. A birthmother might have made a conscious decision not to raise a child she gave birth to, as you say, but she still chose to have the title of “mother” when she chose to get pregnant, carry a child for nine months, and give birth – an enormous responsibility. I don’t think the right to privacy applies here, except for cases like rape.
Even the system acknowledges the insanity of privacy and adoption – why do you think things are moving towards “open adoption”? People are aware of how barbaric and unnatural all the separation associated with adoption has been – for all parties.
About your experience (and yes, I did read it above), I’m sorry you are experiencing this. If it’s true stalking or harassment, you would not be wrong in calling the police. You had no choice in the matter of being given up for adoption, no responsibility at all. Leave it to you to decide what you choose for yourself now concerning your bio family.
I don’t consider the desire to know my birthparents as a “hang up” and I’m glad that my birthmother and birthfather were able to release some of their pain and guilt through our meeting. I consider my brief reunion something that helped all of us heal the loss from our experience, not what I would call a happy ending. I feel that adoptees have a right to know who their birthparents are – and birthparents can either make this easy or really hard for them.
One thing we do agree on, though, is that plenty of adoptees play victim. But, so do plenty of people who aren’t adopted.
Acknowledging a loss associated with being adopted doesn’t mean you are weak or blaming anyone. An adoptee can acknowledge a loss and still have a strong, self governing life.
@ CJMC: I am glad that we can agree on the point that many adoptees play the victim. For the other points, we will just have to agree to disagree.
I think it’s unfortunate that you think that biological parents should somehow be exempted from the privacy and dignity to which all humans are entitled to. Even saying that rape is an exemption puts the birth parents in the position of having to explain themselves. That’s not fair.
“Mother” or “father” in this case acknowledges genetic relationship; nothing more. DNA does not a family make.
If someone chooses to assign such a great significance to DNA, when there are no other ties, I do consider that to be a hangup. So many adoptees seem to think that meeting their bios will somehow solve all their problems, complete their lives and give them new relatives. It just doesn’t work that way. Like it or not, and DNA or not, a bio is a complete stranger.
I also think that considering adoption a “loss” is a subjective assumption. I don’t feel that I have lost anything at all, which is probably why I don’t feel the need to do anything about it. We can’t choose the situations we are born into. We can only deal with them as best we can, and for me, I do not choose to assume I started out behind the 8-Ball.
You claim that there is a move toward open adoption, but I do not know if that is truly the case. I know of plenty of people who have adopted children from China, Russia and Romania strictly so that they will not have to deal with issues with their child’s biological family in the future. I know other who have chosen to remain childless instead of adopting and dealing with those issues. And I know other women, such as myself, who would have considered adoption or egg donation at one time, but now will not because they are worried about someone finding them in 18 or 21 years.
These things will not change until adoptees acknowledge that their bios have rights, too. So you feel that you have the undeniable right to know your bios. At what price? Don’t their lives count, too? If you truly feel that your bios’ lives don’t matter–that what YOU want should trump everyone else’s needs and wants–it is a selfish, self-absorbed and entitled point of view. And I feel sorry for the birth parents who will be harassed as a result.
ZOE: Yes, we will have to agree to disagree.
I never said birthparents should be exempt from dignity and I certainly don’t believe anyone should be harassed. I think we feel differently about what “privacy” means in the scope and responsibility of being a birthmother.
I don’t feel adoptees have a right to a relationship with their birthparents (or vice versa). I also feel an adoptee can have both a right to know who their birthparents are and feel that their birthparents lives are important. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
Rape is a violent crime – birthmothers who have been raped are not on even ground with birthmothers who are young or unwed or have no money…etc. It is most definitely fair that raped birthmothers have a different standard.
The movement towards open adoption has been steady. Here are some links if you’d like learn more:
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/history.html
http://www.openadoption.org
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_adoption
http://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/general_adoption_statistics
It probably is subjective to call the separation of adoption a loss. I would not have called the separation from my birthmother a loss before I gave birth to my own children. I now intimately understand the emotional depth for a woman who carries and gives birth to a child. For that intimate connection to abruptly end, even by choice, is a loss to both sides. Most birthmothers who did not want to raise their child can even graciously admit this. What is also subjective is what loss means to someone. I think loss is a part of life – we lose things all the time. It doesn’t mean we’re behind on anything.
I couldn’t help but notice how long this forum has been going – since 2009. I’m reminded of what a dear friend said to me once – “Adoption is not a triad. It’s more like an Octopus – a huge moving force with tons of waving limbs.”
ZOE: Yes, we will have to agree to disagree.
I never said birthparents should be exempt from dignity and I certainly don’t believe anyone should be harassed. I think we feel differently about what “privacy” means in the scope and responsibility of being a birthmother.
I don’t feel adoptees have a right to a relationship with their birthparents. I also feel an adoptee can have both a right to know who their birthparents are and feel that their birthparents lives are important. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
Rape is a violent crime – birthmothers who have been raped are not on even ground with birthmothers who are young or unwed or have no money…etc. It is most definitely fair that raped birthmothers have a different standard.
The movement towards open adoption has been steady. Here are some links if you’d like learn more:
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/history.html
http://www.openadoption.org
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_adoption
http://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/general_adoption_statistics
It probably is subjective to call the separation of adoption a loss. I would not have called the separation from my birthmother a loss before I gave birth to my own children. I now intimately understand the emotional depth for a woman who carries and gives birth to a child. For that intimate connection to abruptly end, even by choice, is a loss to both sides. Most birthmothers who did not want to raise their child can even graciously admit this. What is also subjective is what loss means to someone. I think loss is a part of life – we lose things all the time. It doesn’t mean we’re behind on anything.
I couldn’t help but notice how long this forum has been going – since 2009. I’m reminded of what a dear friend said to me once – “Adoption is not a triad. It’s more like an Octopus – a huge moving force with tons of waving limbs.”
My husband was adopted by a nice family. He is well-adjusted and was not abused by them in any way. Does that mean he doesn’t still wonder about himself? No way.
He has been raised with many different stories about his bio family and “where he comes from.” We have been looking for his birth family for years.
We BOTH know that there is a possibility that his birth family may want no contact. If that turns out to be the case, we will honor their wishes.
We think that everyone has a right to know- on both sides. Records should be made available. However, violating wishes NOT to be contacted should be punishable by law. That may seem harsh, but what are the options? To keep denying people the information that the rest of us take for granted? This topic will always be one of great debate and high emotion.
I give thanks every day to the wonderful woman who gave birth to my husband, the father of my children. Without her, I wouldn’t have my amazing family.
People adopting dogs have more rights and get more historical information than your average adoptee. When I did research I found that I was lied to about everything surrounding my birth, including my birth date and which hospital I was born. I have spent most of my life celebrating my birth on the wrong day.. It is very odd to not know where you come from.. If you are not an adoptee, you can never understand it.. So unless you are adopted yourself you shouldn’t tell adoptees how they should and shouldn’t feel, on the basis that you don’t know.
Not all adoptees are lucky and put into good homes. I was shuffled through foster care first, and removed from a home because of mistreatment. I wasn’t angry at my birth mom who was raped and tried to give me a home.. But it did compel me to search and find out my circumstances and history to see where I belonged in the world. Genealogy is one of the biggest money makers around.. There is a reason.. People have a need to know where they come from. Even people that aren’t adopted spend lots of times doing genealogy research trying to track down there family history. It’s part of figuring out who you are.
@ Zoe … For some reason, I get the feeling that if you were an adoptee, you would fight harder for adoptees rights than anyone else, as passionate as you are. When I read your messages, I get the feeling that you feel guilty and are angry that the adoptee is making you relive the guilt. You did what was best for you at the time.. You don’t need to defend yourself to adoptees or anyone else.
@ Zoe.. Sorry I said the wrong name.. I meant to say @Pissed off.. So sorry..
I am an adoptee from a rape situation and I have been reunited with my birthmother, I think it is wrong of this adoptee’s birthmother who had this child grow in her womb regardless of circumstances and not only give her up but shun her as an adult, it reminds me of the judgemental close minded catholic ultra right wing group and what a hold it has on many in society worrying too much about what the neighbors might think of them. The birthmother is selfish and does not have the right to shun her daughter, what a sad situation for the adoptee to be the product of a rape and then get shunned by the woman who gave birth to her, terrible.
I’m a birthmother. many were forced or pressured to choose adoption or truly lovingly wanted a two parent family environment for their child. It is insanity to make a general statement that when adoption happens it is because the birthmother didn’t want to raise her child.
The reuion with my birthson has been crazy and very emontional, it tears you up and tears you down and tears you apart. Right now we are not speaking and it’s so hard. It have been two years and 3 months of a roller coaster ride. Now this week I’m heading to a therapist. Great.