When Adoption Reunions Go Wrong - Very Wrong

Where exactly do you see that this adoptee was harassing her mother? That’s rather inflammatory and negative language for you to use, especially on an adoption website.

Dear “Anonymous, –

A direct quote from the original article by the attorney, “My client went pale. She is devastated and continues to be devastated because her biological child continues to attempt contact with her.”

For someone to feel this way – sounds harassing. Just my assumption. If you continue to read my site you’ll find I’m very pro open adoption records as well as open adoption. But – hey – I’m pretty open with my opinion as well as my name…..note I’m not anonymous.

I can certainly understand why this woman was devastated..she had been raped,& gave the child up for adoption-then goes on,has her own family,only to have the intrusion into her home,& family upset by the child she hoped would be better served by being adopted.If anonymous does not understand this woman’s pain & anger,then you need to talk to other adopteive parents& the adoptees,who have had less than the “happily ever after” ending.

I think it is a very tragic story all around.

I am just so grateful that the reunion with my son has gone really well and continues to do so five years on.

My son was terrified that this could happen to him so he didn’t look for me – thankfully he was actually pleased when I found him because he then knew that I would not reject him.

It makes me very sad when I hear stories like this. It breaks my heart for both parties.

As a facilitator for Adoption triad support groups for 13 years, and a reunited adoptee I can empathise with all parties involved. As an adoptee, I know the longing to reunite and see a birth family member face to face.( sadly my birth parents died before I found my birth siblings) And as a facilitator of an adoption triad group that discusses adoption search and reunion at all of its monthly meetings, I have witnessed the importance of privacy, respect and sensitivity to an individual who has been “found”. I cannot stress enough the importance of those searching to attend adoption triad support groups regularly prior to searching for birth family members. These groups educate the attendees about the unique lifelong emotional issues and dynamics that adoptees and birth parents experience after separation. One also learns about the specific circumstances and societal attitudes that impacted birth parents decades ago in the closed adoption era. Secrecy and shame were often unwelcome labels many birth parents wore because they often felt oppressed and misunderstood by family,society and sadly even churches. When a searching adoptee or birth parent does not take the time to educate themselves about the common emotional issues that may impact the other party, they risk alienating the other person. When one searches for the person they have been separated from by adoption they typically desire to be welcomed with open arms and approval. Disrespecting the other persons privacy and startling them by showing up on their door step or workplace is almost a sure guarantee to relationship failure. Good and enduring relationships are built on trust and respect.(Isn’t that common sense?) If one demands their own way and fails to understand the circumstances and wishes of the other person due to their own pressing desire or lack of patience, they often jeopardize an opportunity to build a healthy and trusting relationship.As a person of faith, I do believe in trusting in God’s timing in these matters. Yes, the birth mother is this article should have replied to the letter sent to her verbalizing her desire or lack of readiness to reunite. But her neglect to do so was not an invitation for the adoptee to rudely show up unannounced. No one wins in this scenario and these stories only sensationalize adoption and reunion and discourage agencies and authories to understand the importance of more openness and honesty in adoption for all parties.
Jody, Chicagoland area

I know you are generally supportive of openness, so I want to respectfully suggest that, even so, your conclusion about “harassment” is overbroad. Here’s why. First, the initial contact, in my opinion, was not harassment. The birthmother should have responded to the letter she got. I can only imagine how painful it was for her, but still, there was another human being involved who deserved a response. Second, all we know about the “continued contact” is a statement from an attorney who is busy setting up a lawsuit. Attorneys can’t lie to the court, but they can certainly slant the facts (I am one). For all we know, “continued attempts” could be a single letter saying “I’m sorry you don’t want contact, but could you at least give me some medical history?” — I think most people would be at least somewhat sympathetic to that and would not call it “harassment.” Finally, I agree that preparation is key, and that adoptees or birth parents who search need to get to know people on the “other side” and try to empathize with their experience before making contact. However, we don’t know what the adoptee here did or didn’t do. I attended a conference several years ago and found myself sitting in a workshop with not one, but two mother-daughter pairs where the daughter had been conceived as a result of rape and did not know that until she searched for, and found, her birth mother. It is quite possible that the adoptee here met people who had a different result, and decided that it was worth taking a chance. Again, without knowing more, I think characterizing this as “harassment” is too much. We don’t know if the adoptee even knew she was the product of rape before attempting contact. — So, instead of agreeing with the birth mother’s attorney that this was harassment, I think everyone observing needs to step back a bit and let the situation play out.

Thanks for the continued feedback on this post. It’s great to see a discussion going.

I’ve been accused of worse offenses than being “overboard” with a word choice.

So, that’s progress.

I agree. Let’s see how this plays out.

Because inception resulted from violent crime — RAPE, the woman’s desire never to permit contact/access should be HONORED INTO PERPETUITY. But her failure to respond to the letter didn’t offer enough proof to adoptee that contact wasn’t welcomed. Adoptee is living in a state of hopefulness & until he/she learns otherwise, one would continue to pursure avenues for a reconnection.

It is sad but a lawsuit is frivolous!

I am a biological mother and in my circumstances I wanted to know my daughter, but there are alot of mothers that don’t feel this same way. If this woman was raped she would probably not want to know her daughter and that should be her right. The agency was wrong to give her biological name to the girl if the mother didn’t want to meet with her..At the same time I think the daughter was rushing things and not caring about the biological mothers feelings. Everyone knows you can not make up for lost time. You don’t just jump into a relationship and become MOm and Daughter. You share the same blood more than likely but face it alot of years have gone by. You really don’t even know eachother. The daughter does have a right to medical history on mother/father side. I feel this for I was adopted myself and finally years later found my biological mother as well as my father’s health issues. Not all reunions work out. I think the woman should be able to sue the agency. Let’s face it the woman knew she could not raise this baby every time she would look at the child she would see the rapists. What kind of life would that have been for the child?
Alot of adopted children have resentment towards the mother and will use the children she has to cause problems, sounds like the biological daughter wanted to open up “a can of worms” not caring who she hurt. How many mothers tell their children that they do raise they were raped and their was a child she had to place out for adoption.? More than likely she was tramatized for years.

I forgot to add this in my previous comment. When I found my biological mother and my biological daughter we both had to sign an affedevite before any info was released to the party that was searching.This agency definately screwed up BIG TIME. If the mother did not answer the state’s letter that should have told them she wasn’t interested. They did not have the right to give the daughter info unless it had been a life threatening problem and even then the mother’s name would need to be kept out of it if she did not want contact with the daughter.

My birth daugher found me about 5 years ago. I didn’t ask for it, but it happened. I found my name plastered on the internet because she started a search based on info she found by deception on her part and poor security measures at the adoption facility my family chose. I was forced to reveal to my children a part of my past that was none of their business (my husband has always known.) It was painful for me but I out of guilt continued the relationship for a few years until I realized the painful effect it was having on my mental state and my marriage. Don’t get me wrong. I never forgot about her, but I GAVE BIRTH TO HER AS A 17 YEAR OLD SCREWED UP KID. I WAS NOT HER “MOTHER.” She had a very good life and wonderful adoptive parents, but her self-serving curiousity caused me serious consequences. I finally broke it off and despite infrequent pangs of guilt I don’t regret it. She doesn’t need me, she has a wonderful adoptive mother and a great life. I am angry that I was forced to revisit my very painful past so that she could satisfy her curiousity. She has suffered no consequences, but the repercussions it has caused my life and my family continue. I have not yet made a final decision about whether or not to sue the adoption agency regarding their incompetence by allowing her to find me.

@Pissed Off: I ache for you. The pain you have felt surrounding this experience is palpable and I wish there were some way to alleviate it, because a lawsuit certainly won’t do it.
However, your daughter has undoubtedly felt intense pain, too. She absolutely “suffered consequences” as the result of being relinquished for adoption (I am not blaming you here–I think you did the right thing) and then being rejected when your reunion didn’t go well. True, she could have gone about the search so much better and so much more compassionately–I very strongly believe that search & reunion sites should NEVER allow postings to show up in search engine results. But it’s unfair to assume that she searched for you simply out of “self-serving curiosity”, as though she only did it to mess up your life.
Many adoptees seek out their birth parents because they feel the need for answers about their medical history, because having one’s history is a vital part of receiving adequate medical care (e.g. unknown issues with anesthesia can result in death). They also desire to know the simple things non-adopted people know: ethnic and religious heritage, where their ancestors came from, etc.
Yes, you may have been a “screwed up kid” when you gave birth to her, but you chose to give her life and with that does come a responsibility to provide her with the information she needs to live it well. How would you feel if, for some reason, the children you raised were denied critical medical information? Or if you were? Or your husband?

I think it’s time for states to fix the mess of adoption and records. If birth parents could file confidential, non-identifying medical and family history information with a state registry, it would allow adoptees to get the info they need without having to contact birth parents. I still believe that adoptees should be allowed access to their original birth certificates–after all, it is THEIR information–but I also support contact preference options along with that. I believe that, already equipped with their medical history info, adoptees would honor their birth parents’ wishes w/r/t contact.

No meaningful, helpful, or lasting change will occur if we act from places of fear, hurt, and retribution–this goes equally for adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents alike. We cannot heal without love, trust, openness, and understanding. There is much work to be done, but we must do so with COMPASSION for each other’s experiences and places within the triad. We ALL deserve at least that much.

Sending you hugs and support, PissedOff, and hoping that you’ll find peace with this soon.

When a contact request is not responded too it is a automatic no..period. The agency should have never given the info out and all involved should be fired. The birth mother did a extremely unselfish thing and gave the kid up for adoption and now is being judged because she wants to not relive the trauma of rape. If i had adopted this kid i would be traumatized by the fact that obviously my daughter doesn’t think i was a great mom and that is why she looking for her “real”one. I don’t know my birth dad but i have a great “real” dad and as a result have no desire to look for the man. If people want others to choose adoption over abortion closed adoptions must be respected and supported. This story makes me fearful to adopt because i fear that no matter how much i mother a adopted child they will reject me and look for a stranger when they get older no matter how much i love them and what i do for them, it will never be enough.I understand wanting to know who “made” you but i think people need to stick to prioritizing who raised you and loves you.I hope this poor woman wins that law suit

Definition of Harass: To disturb persistently; torment, as with troubles or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute.
— This word was used correctly.

** In regards to the reunion gone wrong – I have to agree in confidentiality. My father was recently contacted by a woman he did not know existed. He is 72 years old and now has a daughter he did not know about. She too posted our names and various information all over the internet, claiming to be doing a genealogy table for our family. Meanwhile, myself and my brother are reeling from the effects of this forced entry into our lives and the just add water = instant family. I would have rather not known. I find I dont really have a choice any longer to go back to the “satisfied with my place in the world life.”

Triad has some excellent points here.

I think that unfortunately, in some cases, both birth families and adoptees have expectations for reunion that are impossible to meet. A lot of people seem to attempt contact without the understanding that the other party may not be in the same mental or emotional place, and may not desire any sort of reunion at all. Not everyone has an interest in connecting, and those who do connect may not have a desire to establish some sort of deep familial relationship. It’s wonderful when that happens, but it shouldn’t be the anticipated outcome.

I’m living with this one, unfortunately. I’m currently contending with birth siblings who found me when I did not wish to be found, who have ignored my repeated requests for no contact and seem to believe I am going to be their “instant sister.” I can’t make them understand that they want something from me that I simply cannot provide to them, and that contacting me again and again will not make me change my mind.

@PissedOff: It is so nice to hear that someone else decided to break off the relationship with their adoptee.

My son found me last year. The first 2 meetings went great but then they turned sour because he started getting extremely disrespectful and self centered. He said I treated him as the “special one”. I assured him that I have 3 other children and he is no more important than they are. He told me I feel angst because I only knew him in the later years of his life. I had to assure him, again that even though, I thought of him over the years, my life still went on. Those are just a couple of small examples.

I decided to let him go, he doesn’t make me feel good about myself and like PissedOff, he had a loving family and opportunities that he would have never had if he lived with me.

I know I might sound selfish to a lot of you but I still have 2 boys at home that I need to concentrate on. I am grateful that he found me but I don’t want a relationship with him.

Does anyone know if there are any support groups for b-moms that feel the same way?? Or are PissedOff and I the only people that feel that way?

@PissedOff: It is so nice to hear that someone else decided to break off the relationship with their adoptee.
My son found me last year. The first 2 meetings went great but then they turned sour because he started getting extremely disrespectful and self centered. He said I treated him as the “special one”. I assured him that I have 3 other children and he is no more important than they are. He told me I feel angst because I only knew him in the later years of his life. I had to assure him, again that even though, I thought of him over the years, my life still went on. Those are just a couple of small examples.
I decided to let him go, he doesn’t make me feel good about myself and like PissedOff, he had a loving family and opportunities that he would have never had if he lived with me.
I know I might sound selfish to a lot of you but I still have 2 boys at home that I need to concentrate on. I am grateful that he found me but I don’t want a relationship with him.
Does anyone know if there are any support groups for b-moms that feel the same way?? Or are PissedOff and I the only people that feel that way?