A few years ago I received an email from a distraught adoptive father. His 8-year-old internationally adopted son was becoming violent toward his 6-year-old birth son. An example of the child's behavior problem: the oldest son held the youngest son's head under water.
The father wanted to protect all of his children and help his 8-year-old overcome these behavior problems, but didn't know how to approach the situation with safety in mind. He wondered if they would be able to parent the child long-term.
These are all valid concerns and I'm not a professional counselor. I am an adoptive parent who has lived through similar situations. I put together a list based on how we and other adoptive parents we know approached getting help for our children.
We love our children and want to help them, however, we also have a responsibility to others in the home. This is difficult to balance and you may catch some heat for it. Meaning: be forewarned, our parenting choices may not be popular in the eyes of others, especially those who are not adoptive parents or have not handled severe child behaviors.
I love it when those who have never adopted sit in judgment of our families, don't you? And I'm talking about adoption professionals and mental health professionals too. A professionals years of working in an office with kids for a few hours a day vs. the day in day out daily grind of a child's behavior problem - there is no comparison, in my opinion.
How have you handled your child's behavior problems in your home, especially those that were becoming more threatening to your family?
Have you ever faced judgment regarding the parenting of your adopted child?
Click "comments" below and share.
___________________________
Suggest Reading:
“Be forewarned, our parenting choices may not be popular in the eyes of others.”
Truer words were never spoken. We lived on pins and needles for a little over a year with a sibling group of three … the oldest had to be watched like a hawk to be sure she didn’t abuse her younger siblings.
Ultimately, we kept the younger two and asked for the oldest one to be placed elsewhere. We caught a LOT of flack for this, with even family and close friends making undermining comments such as “Don’t you realize that if she doesn’t bond with you, she may not bond with anyone ever again?”
But in point of fact … she did bond with another couple. Her “forever family” came along weeks later, and today she is a happy and well-adjusted little girl.
I’m not saying to give up at the first hint of trouble. But there does come a point when you have given it your best effort, and you still have to sleep with one eye open week after week.
I’m sure there are many competent social workers out there. We didn’t encounter many during our three years with CSS. I did learn quickly, however, that they were not the best source of information or assistance. You need to find your own (and usually pay for your own) sources for help.
The other thing that I wish someone had told me before we went into this: It is absolutely imperative that you find whatever support you need to spend extensive individual time bonding with both children. They are most likely to turn on each other when they feel they have to compete for your love and attention.
I hope this helps!
Heidi Saxton
We are currently in turmoil with our 13 yr old adopted son who began acting out after finalization. Honestly, we fear him. He has tormented my younger children, and threatened my older kids and me. Therapy has only given him more excuses and escalated his behavior. Can’t find a local qualified RAD therapist.
It is tearing our family apart. My husband couldn’t take it and left.
Long story short, we can’t live with him; however, what do we do? You can’t just give them back once adoption has been finalized.
One thing missing from the blog post: at what age was this internationally adopted child adopted? Was this internationally adopted child adopted AFTER the biological child was born, or BEFORE the biological child was born?
Reputable adoption agencies often discourage the adoption of a child older than the youngest child in the home, for a good reason. This does not mean that the adopted child must be a baby; only that the adopted child not be older than the youngest one. This is to protect both the youngest child AND the adopted child, for physical and emotional reasons.
That doesn’t mean it can’t work when a child is adopted older than the youngest. It has worked for some families. However, it is common to see the statement “must be the youngest in family” on a waiting child listing.
Jamie,
I have friends who have adopted younger and those children have had the worst problems. We’re talking a danger to others in the home – had to be permanently removed, problems.
My point – adopting younger isn’t always a safety blanket for everyone in the home.
Each child and family’s needs are different.
Age should be a factor and considered – but not the sole deciding factor – unless it is known that that child has special needs. Hence, “must be youngest in family” written in many child waiting listings.
As someone who adopted 3 teen boys, while having a young birth daughter at home, I know that it can be done. Was it easy? No. Did we take precautions – plenty.
We never took our daughter’s safety or the safety of our sons for granted. We didn’t want to set them up to fail or put our daughter at risk. Supervisions is key.
Thanks for adding your thoughts to this discussion.
But now that this child is a part of this family – what can the family do?
Lynn,
I feel your pain.
Does the therapist recognize the turmoil in your home?
Is the therapist supportive of you and your family?
Have you looked into getting him into a facility that can observe his behavior and make medication adjustments and council on best treatment options?
What about the finalization tripped him out?
Did you adopt him from foster care? Were you his foster parents?
I wish you luck. Hopefully someone will help bring your family to a point of peace.
Hi
We have birth son and an adopted daughter. At aged 10 her behavior became physically extreme to all the family members and she showed particular jealousy towards our birth son.
To cut a long story short, we eventually got an appointment with the local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service team (CAMHS) who diagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder.
We entered into a long (and ongoing) phase of counseling which has taken the edge off the behavior. Specific training into parenting skills for Adopters & Foster parents also gave us some additional skills for spotting and dealing with her overall behaviors and needs.
There is no ‘fix’ or ‘cure’, just dealing with it and helping her to understand her own jumbled emotions.
My advice is – find specialist help… normal parenting skills and methods (star charts for example) just wont work. Find a network for support, there will be one close by. Someone who believes you when you say ‘You’ll never guess what she did today …’ can be a great bit of support; if they can top your story with one about their own kids makes for a great chat over a cup of coffee and it always does you good to share a laugh!
I have an adopted daughter who now is 25. We went through HELL with her especially when she was a teen.
I finally read the book “Parenting the Hurt Child” and saw the author speak. I truly believe my daughter had RAD which although I had her in therapy since she was 5 went undiagnosed.
Find a therapist who is familar with RAD asap. The turmoil that the behaviors can cause in your home and with your family are enormous. The turmoil within the child himself must be horrific.
Stop the therapy. We gave therapy to our adopted child… after three biological children… and it disturbed him much more that he was before… let the child forget about his past… unless he asks questions… and let him try to become a child again. Good luck!
Let the child forget his past? Whether child or adult, a traumatized past can get shoved down deep but not forgotten!Our int’ly adopted 4 yr old son has RAD – bad. It is not easy, but we finally found a compentent therapysit and that was thru referals from the author of “Parenting the Hurt Child…” DOn’t give up; but do what you need to do to be the most effective parent you can be…and sometimes that means doing what you know you need to do whether your friends and family approve or not! Like our not allowing our son to hug everyone in sight but us, his parents. YOu should see the looks we have gotten from the “church ladies” but they do not live with a confused RAD child. It has been a year; it is getting better, but not over. Someday his dad and I will a full nights sleep; and hopefully, so will our little son.
Reading these comments has finally reminded me that we are not the only family going through issues with our adopted child. My husband and I adopted our 6 year old daughter last year. We also have a 5 year old son and a 3 month old baby. After the finalization, she started to act in school and at home even worse. She tried to perform oral sex on a friends 3 year old son and then I discovered that she had tried to touch my bio son’s penis. After attending all kinds of therapy they informed us that she was not molested and then put her on meds and more therapy for impulsive behavior. But now it was discovered last week she tried to kiss the baby using her tongue.
I dont know how well therapy works as she always seems to outsmart them. And at home and school she does not seem to care about any consequences and its scary as we feel that the younger children are not always protected from her. Maybe the only answer is finding a competent therapist. Its so much harder that I ever thought. I will read that book though.
Our family has adopted a nine year old boy, after 4 years of first foster parenting. Now, papers. sealed and delivered. and we are in trouble. Since adoption,by the way our case worker thought that he was having problems because of the adoption final that his behavior would improve. We had hoped with all or hearst that this adoption would work out. Now my son, has struck fear in to anyone that comes near him. CPS removed him the other day for a an inciddent that occured when he started to be abusive and I panicked and slapped him in the face and then pushed him in to his bed. He landed in the middle . there was nothing that could have hurt him on the bed. Now, this child has a history of hurting himself, then he ran out of the door and went to shcool and told every one the I abuse him. When we went to court next day they showed me a picture of him.
We could not believe what we saw, it looked so bad, he did not look like this when he left. anyhow you get the meaning. I am hoping not to go to jail because of him and his lies and his self mutalation our family in torn to pieces please help honeylane2000@hotmail.ocm
Wow, unfortunately we listened to DCYF as well. They said that his behaviors would improve once adopted & in school. How wrong! My worst fear is a bat to one of the family member’s head (or mine) due to this child.
in many ways foster parents hands are tied, everything can be question, the thing is if it was not for foster parent what would the states do with theses kids? i have a foster child that told me that she was going to leave and tell the police i told her to leave and that they would believe her over me, so with that information i am getting out and i will not do this again, my children are grown and gone and i will not give my years to a child that have this kind of problem that was never discipline much , i know these kids go through some things while with their birth parents however after sometime i think they can learn wrong from right and many do however there are some that play on what happen to them as an excuse to be mean and do what they want. this child have no respect for anyone and feel she don’t have have any. i fell that when you have a child that contantly lie and that have no respect for authority should be in a group setting where everyone is writting a report that way everyone will see a pattern from each staff about the child behavior and not just one person
We have six adopted children but the fourth became extremely challenging and danger to her younger siblings at age 11, and we had to ask that she be placed in LA care. Now over a year later, they have decided that the threshold for putting her into care was not the original one of her behaviour, but needs to be ‘our harm in not letting her stay with us’. She had a terrible birth family background and surely there should be a legal term for this reason for the breakdown, rather than pinning it on our emotional abuse from apparently rejecting her following a post traumatic stress breakdown by the adoptive mother?
I’m single, I have 15 yr old adopted son and Im having a hard time understanding him. He gets money, sold my valuables things, brought home his girlfriend (s) and have sex. I cant seek help for my family because long before they wanted to get rid of him because they thought he’s only giving me pain.
Empowered to Connect website and — The Connected Child by Karen Purvis deal with these very difficult cases. Both the causes behind these behaviors and some approaches and strategies to help them.
My husband and I adopted three siblings in 2008, we had only the oldest at first and things were fine. I have spent the past 6 years feeling like a hostage in my own home. Every holiday ruined by the middle child. We have tried everything from counseling, camps, and consequenses to no avail. She thinks it is everyone else. I hate to say it but when she pulled her games the first time I wish my heart hadn’t been so big. I should have left her at the childrens home and just taken the oldest and the youngest. I know that sounds cold, but she brain washes the youngest then mentally abuses her. the youngest is co-dependent on her, and the oldest she picks at him till he breaks down and wants to beat her down. He has a lot more resolve and usally punchs a hole in the wall. We can never leave them alone, social workers blame us, and I spend 365 days being called every name in the book. course when they go out and are around others they are good as gold, have perfect manors and can be extremely loving. But the minute after they spend a day doing that they turn around and want something and if you don’t give in to them you spend another 30 days in hell. Last night was my breaking point, I took down the christmas tree that seems to be a trigger and I put all the presents away. I can’t do it anymore.
Hubby and I adopted three siblings in 2006. The oldest was 6 and a half at the time. He was trouble the minute they were in our care. Very charming to my husband, cold as ice to me. He was physically mean to me, his little brother and little sister when Dad wasn’t around. I have been very strong, seeking counseling (no RAD counseling is available and other therapists have been a waste of time because of manipulating son), support and keeping lines of communication open with teachers at the school (although even school counselors do not educate themselves about RAD, and some of the teachers have made things worse by playing the ‘friend’ and ‘gift’ card). Dad is always working, and for last two years works out of town (in another state) all week. For over six years this kid has broken toys, hurt his siblings, bullied kids on the bus for their possessions, gotten detention, kids parents come to my house to tell me my son is bullying their kids and so on. I get the accusatory looks, statements and questions. Not my son, not my husband, who thinks he has to spoil these kids for ego’s sake (I don’t know any other reason). He spoils them out of guilt for being away, I’m sure. 13 year old has done bodily harm to younger brother and sister and every holiday or birthday is ruined by selfishness and spite. The energy is so bad my two loving jack russell terriers fight and nearly kill each other. They feel, see, hear the tension when it mounts. I am stared at with evil eyes of hatred when ever I have to call out the oldest for his behavior. All of my kids are capable of manipulation, stealing, sneaking food, bullying, lying, the whole gamut. We deal with it like it’s normal anymore, it happens so much. I do not over look any of it-not by a long shot, and I am as kind and fair as the day is long. I can only do so much on my own. I am at the point where I will call the law on the oldest if he even breathes a sign of aggression.
We need to get the word out to everyone that older adopted children can and often too completely destroy a family. I adopted one child from a Central American country when he was a baby. He is a treasure — very well-behaved and well-adjusted. I adopted a second child from the same Central American country when he was seven. He is 15 now, and it has been 8 years of hell.
To those of you who are looking for solutions, I will give you one: Get the RAD child out of your house. Yes, it’s expensive, but it will be worth it if you want to save the sanity of everyone else in the household. The older child will never, ever set foot in my house again. Molesting and assaulting younger children. smearing excrement on my bathroom floor, walls, countertops and mirror . . . you name it, he did it. No more. When he’s 18, we’re totally done. No more support, no more contact, no more nothing. I have two sane children whose lives I refuse to allow to be destroyed by the evil one.
Myself and my husband are going though the adoption process at the moment. So, imagine one of my closet friends saying that she is uncertain whether she would let her two year old daughter play with any children we may adopt for fear of her daughters safety. I have never experienced discrimination before and can tell you it really hurt