More on Adoption Language
Tuesday October 17, 2006
I received awesome emails from all members of the triad regarding my blog about adoption language. These emails really made me stop and think about how we each perceive the words we use. I wanted to take a few minutes to highlight some of what readers had to say about the subject.
- "As an adult I have grown to change about many feelings..being adopted is one that has never changed. I feel birth parent is the only term that I could accept." ~ Adult Adoptee
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- "I understand the dilemma about language with adoption, after all I call myself my daughter's first mother or natural parent, I hate and abhor the term birth parent and for me the why is simple it is not a term I chose, it makes me feel like all I was to the adoption triad was an incubator but I am more because even though I do not get to have a hand in raising my child, something I did not choose voluntarily as my daughter's adoption truly was a case of fraud but that is neither here nor there, she does share my genetics and such and for that to be denied is wrong." ~ First Mother
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- "I’m a mother of two from Korea (a 28 month old and a 13 month old). For my kids, they have what my oldest, my son, affectionately terms “a Foster Mommy” and me his Mommy. My kids also have a mother who gave birth to them. I’m not sure what we’ll be calling her yet but it will be some affectionate term that my kids will probably come up with on their own.
I am a Mother. Whether you like to classify me into Adoptive Mother, Real Mother, or in my case, Third Mother, that’s up to you but to my kids, I’m Momma to my 13 month old and Mommy to my 28 month old.
I’m a Real Mother, a Natural Mother, a Third Mother, and an Adoptive Mother. I’m really my kids’ Mommy (the judge said it was so in the case of my son…we’re in the process to get a court date to finalize my daughter’s adoption). I’m a natural mother after taking care of my brother from the age of 10 while my parents were at work. I’m the third mother after my kids’ birth (first) mom, and their foster (second) mom. Lastly I’m the adoptive mother since my husband and I adopted these two wonderful kids." ~ Adoptive Mom
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- "I used to be a counselor in a pro-life center and they told us to use "place your child" if a client wanted to think about adoption. I didn't like that so much, and didn't know why. But in the last few years I have realized why: it whitewashes the amount of pain, and the reality, of the situation. You are not just "placing" a child somewhere, as you might "place" them in their car seat onto the floor next to your rocking chair. You are giving up the child, relinquishing the child, surrendering the child. In order for a birthmother to fully understand what she is about to do, the implications and to begin the healthy process of grieving (and even to help with the decision-making process), she needs to be told this is a tearing apart of a family, a wrenching and forever-life-changing decision which will fill her heart with anguish and loss and pain for a long time to come. She needs NOT to see it as a mere "placement for adoption."
Therefore, I cannot endorse the simple, euphemistic term "placement." That sounds like the child is an object not a person. It causes a disconnect in the birthmother and the people who are talking about the adoption, and about adoption in general, a disconnect between the act and the emotions which follow. Too late have many birthmoms understood the implications of the decision they were pressed into with painless words like "placement." Let them, and society, KNOW what actually happens when a child is torn from its mother, the mother is bereft of her infant, and the pair designed to naturally fit together like hand and glove are (potentially forever) separated.
"Placement" is a chillingly unemotional word designed to hide the fact that there is pain. It is like the Nazis talking about "The Final Solution of the Jewish Question," rather than "complete genocide of the Jewish race." I absolutely reject the false or deliberately misleading terminology. It is inaccurate, incomplete, and deliberately misleading." ~ Adult Adoptee
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Comments
I know I am going to stir up a hornets nest but I prefer to be called a “birthmother” the role of “mother” was stolen away from me by my adopted parents who did not want their daughters child around if she was not married. I know they did not think of me nor my child. They were thinking of their “precious name in the community” What would people think??????????? They shipped me away to a maternity home out of state for three months after I had my child the subject was never brought up. Even though I was screaming inside nobody was listening. I have no doubt I had a breakdown but they were soooooooo absorbed with their lives noone saw what I was going through. If you have not lived this heartache there is no “real understanding”. I still get very angry.
There is pain on all sides. I am an adoptee. I started searching too late my birthmom is deceased. Now that my adopted mom is getting older, she keeps bringing up the fact that I’m ONLY adopted. I really feel that after all this time she is feeling the anxiety of not having her own (natural) children.
But that doesn’t make her comments hurt any the less.
If your are an adopted mom, please realize that no matter how old we adoptees get, the fact that we are adopted is always on our mind and any hurtful comments only make us feel like we are less in the eyes of the world.
I used to be very confident about myself and who I am, but lately I’m struggling with alot of issues.
There is pain on all sides and to know how the other REALLY feels is impossible - unless you have lived it.
Thank you both for sharing your stories.
Adoption language needs to be revised. I am a first Mom. Calling myself a ‘birthmother” seems like I was an incubator and that was the end of the role of mother.
My daughter is now 33 years old. We have been reunited for almost 11 years now. She calls me her mother. I have explained how I hate the term “birthmother” because it doesn’t do justice to the relationship I had with her throughout her life.
When we reunited I asked her about different years. There had been trauma in her life at the times I asked. She was shocked yet comforted that we were that connected.
She called me “Momma” for a few years. She now calls me by my first name which is painful to me but I understand. If I could do it all over, I would hav efought the system and my parents to keep her and raise her myself. She and I have suffered our entire lives due to social mores from the early 1970s. It is not natural to separate a mother from her baby/child/adult child. I will do anything to help a mother keep her child no matter how old the mother is.
Just my thoughts… I hope all of you will give me an ear. This is my opinion only. Thank you!
Mary,
I’m very happy to hear about your reunion. It sounds like it is going well.
It is so strange how we are still connected to our loved ones - even when apart.
I know that my sister and I have things about us in our likes and dislikes that are very similar.
Thank you for sharing your opinion - that is what this is for - we can all learn from each other.
I don’t believe that there is anyway a simple term can make us all feel validated - adoption is too personal and that is how it should be treated - on the personal level. We’ve all had different experiences with adoption - good and bad.
My goal is to treat everyone with respect and to respect everyone’s feelings on the subject of adoption.
I beleive the term birthmother is very disrespectful. I use to be very supportive of adoption until i came across birthmothers.info, it really opened my eyes to the real truth, that adoption destroys families. There is just so much pain on all sides. There are too many resources out there to help a mother keep her child,that the adoption industry doesnt want you to know about.
Carrie,
For years since I was forced to give my child up I have felt all I was the incubator for this child until the adoptive parents came along. I was to have no feelings, never talk about the pregnancy, put this ordeal away as a big mistake and move on with my life. I was to be happy there was some “lucky couple” out there who would come along and rescue my child. I remember sitting in the social worker’s office and getting all the good talks about how I loved my baby and wanted what was best for her so that was a good reason for giving her up. I told the social worker at the time I did not want to give my baby up but was being forced to by my parents. I know I should not have gotten pg. but we don’t always make good choices, but nobody deserves to go through the heartache I did from being forced to place my child up for adoption. I never stopped hating my parents for the way they handled the adoption. Years later after I had married and had children I told my mother one day I would search for my child. She was just as cold in the 80’s as she had been in the 60’s on this subject. I told her the choice would be mine what to do and I didn’t care about her image she had in the community just like I didn’t way back then.
We adopted our daughter 27 years ago and she found her “bith”mother Linda eight years ago and we are so glad that she did .We will always be her Mom and Dad but Linda plays a good part in her life now and we couldn’t be happier !
Dorri,
It’s amazing to me how we all handle adoption reunions in different ways. It’s a testament to the bond you have with your child that you can embrace her birth mother and not be intimidated by the new relationship.
Thanks for sharing your story.