I imagined myself taking over the job. How would I promote the Ohio Putative Father Registry? I naturally would ask high schools to teach about the Registry in health classes. If we could teach boys how to use condoms, we could surely teach them how to grasp their opportunities if the condom didn‘t work. I would leave pamphlets at post offices and public libraries. Or post placards downtown depicting the Governor pointing a finger at the passerby: “The Ohio Putative Father Registry wants you.” I would definitely have a service announcement, aired during OSU football games:
INT.-- PARTY -- NIGHT: Awesome Jock heads out of a party with Good-Looking Girl. Before Awesome Jock reaches the door, Buddy stops him. “Here, A.J., I think you’d better take this.” With a wink, Buddy hands Awesome Jock a putative father registry form. FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS BE LEFT OUT.
If mandatory draft registration was common knowledge, the Putative Father Registry could be common knowledge too.
A few days later, I received my confirmation from the Ohio Putative Father Registry. I felt embarrassed reading the girls’ names in the letter. But this was my proof. The letter’s last sentence read: “Should you have additional questions concerning the Registry, please contact ODJFS at 1-888-313-3100, or in Columbus, (614) 728-9659.” Nice. Though I wondered why ODJFS had not told me this in response to my earlier e-mail or letter. To date, they still have not replied.
As a paralegal, I have my hypothetical, worst case scenarios. I imagine being arrested for inadvertently giving legal advice. Or having a client’s suit dismissed because I overlooked an important case. Or losing a client’s file after taking it home to review over the weekend. Since registering with the Ohio Putative Father Registry however, another nightmare has taken over: A wounded G.I. has just returned from Operation Desert Sandblast to learn that he had gotten his fiance pregnant, but that she had married someone else and the husband had adopted the child. His lawyer counsels him: “Everyone appreciates you for risking your life for our country--and getting your arm blown off--but about your child, well--I wish we could help you, but unfortunately you didn’t sign the putative father registry.”
And I hear the G.I. give his completely predictable response, while mentally clutching his Purple Heart:
“The what?”
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Erik Smith can be reached at: edenstore@msn.com.