*N* was a very difficult baby. She had trouble keeping down her formula and she cried a lot. But, none of that made it any easier to accept that I had to place her. I looked over my life and knew I had nothing more to offer her then love. Would that be enough? In the end, I decided it was not. Four days after I brought her home I called the agency and let them know I was ready to place her with her new family.

I will never forget that day. Seven years later as I write this the emotions well up inside me as if I were reliving the moment of sitting at the table at the adoption agency, with the papers to relinquish in front of me. My councilor at the agency told me I could still change my mind. My mom was there and she said I could still change my mind. All I could do was hold my baby and cry. I signed the papers.

The adoptive parents were waiting in a room down the hall. It seemed like a mile walk to the end of the world for me. I walked in and we embraced. I handed them their baby. They were crying as well. I was split in two, part of me gripped by the pain of loss and the other part gripped by the happiness of what I was giving two people that they could not give themselves.

I spent at least the rest of the week crying. I felt as if the pain would never end. I was angry. I was filled with hate. When would these feelings end? I had given up a part of myself. It was like waking up from a dream, hearing cries that were not there, smelling and feeling a baby that was not there.

A month after I placed my daughter, I received a letter in the mail. The housing assistance I had applied for came through. Before I had become pregnant, I was finishing up Certified Nursing Assistant classes and two months after I placed my baby I was in my own apartment and had a job. Three months later *N*'s Birth Father contacted me through our mutual friends. He wanted to meet with me and talk.

And now here I am. *N* just turned 7 in February [2004]. I married her Birth Father, it will be 6 years on April 1st, and we had another daughter who is now 4 years old. We have a nice apartment and we both have good jobs and our kids are happy.

The adoption is still open and I know I am lucky for that. I see *N* about 3 times a year, usually at McDonald's and I call about once a month.

However, none of this replaces actually having her in our lives, here with us as a family. I am not against adoption nor do I live my life hanging on the regret of placing her. It has been a long road traveled to get to this place where I can be at peace with myself.

But, I wonder what will happen as she and my other children grow. Different issues that have to do with visitation and the relationships with one another come into play and it is hard to make each child understand and accept why decisions are made. I wished it could all be simpler. It is like in so many other relationships, a combination of sacrifice, trying to make the best decisions, and respecting comfort zones.

My biggest wish is for all of my children to grow up happy and to know that they are loved. I hope as time goes by they will all get to have close, loving, lifetime relationships.

Whatever may come, I will be here for all my children. I will strive to be happy and I want them to be happy.