From Carrie Craft,
Your Guide to Adoption / Foster Care.
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Holidays and birthdays can be a difficult time for many foster and adoptive families. This is traditionally a time for family and for a child who is not with his/her birth family, a time for remembering the ones they’ve had to say good-bye to. All families have their good moments, even if they are few in number. These moments mean the world to foster children in the system. These memories are sometimes the only thing they have left of birth family. It can, however, be a great bonding moment for foster and adoptive families - a time to sit down and share memories.

Here are some ideas:

1. Go around the room and share a memory of a past Christmas. When we tried this in our family our sons each took a turn. Two decided to share a birth family memory, while another shared a memory of a past Christmas with us. It was a great way to validate their feelings and birth family experiences. Try not to push them to share about their birth homes. They will as they feel ready to do so.

2. Have the children work on a page in their lifebooks or scrap books. There are many wonderful books and sites devoted to life books. If you're needing ideas check out our about.com site on scrapbooking. My boys were fortunate and have pictures from their home that their birth mother was kind enough to gather. They have completed their holiday pages. This is a fun activity but can also be a stressful one. They usually can only handle a few pages. It can be a very emotional project for them.

3. If you don't have photos, ask the child to draw his/her memories and then help him/her to narrate the pictures. Save the pictures in their life books or scrapbooks.

4. Buy a special ornament that represents his/her birth family or heritage. Have the child help select the ornament.

5. Allow the child to feel sad and help him/her work through the grief. Offer him/her a journal. Encourage your child to write his/her feelings if old enough, otherwise, drawing pictures is a great release of emotions. For more ideas see "8 Ways to Help Children Grieve".

6. Contact a professional if you feel the sadness is sticking around too long. Some warning signs to watch for include:


• The child loses interest in daily activities and interests.
• Inability to sleep and loss of appetite.
• Acting much younger than chronological age for an extended period of time.
• Sharp drop in school performance.

7. Last on my list, but don't make this last on your priority list - take care of yourself! Don’t let your child's blues get to you!

Remember, developmental grieving, or grief that may surround a traumatic anniversary, can be rough on children. Anniversaries such as the day the child was removed from his/her birth home or past foster home, or the death of birth parents. The children may not remember why they are moody, sad, angry, or regressing in behaviors; but somewhere in their tiny bodies the memory lives on and still haunts them. Be prepared and when stumped on why things seem to be going south, look to the calendar. It may give you a clue!