I believe that birth family reunions are different for the child that was adopted as an infant than for the older adoptee. The older children remember exactly where they came from and often have selective memories of events that transpired while living with birth family.
These children may have also had several moves through the foster care system before being adopted, all causing trauma. For us adoptive parents who have fostered before adopting, the thought of a birth family reunion is especially charged with emotion and fear. We are left with the memories of the family that we struggled to help reunify, but for whatever reason, the reunification fell through. We have seen and have knowledge of broken promises, skipped visits and past abuse. All this leaving our children with broken hearts, skipped opportunities and past hurt.
One adoptive foster parent writes:
“I’m again stuck with the failures the children experience in the reunification process and the confusion and pain they feel when a relationship is encouraged. My older kids have all asked, ‘Why do they want to have a relationship with me now? Why couldn’t they have gotten their life together before so that I could have gone back with them?’ These are honest and valid questions that are almost impossible to answer.”
It's still up to the adoptee as to whether he/she searches for his/her birth family. To maintain a strong bond with the adoptee the smart adoptive parent would never say a bad word about the birth family. Save that talk for private conversations with close friends. When we attempt to cut our children's past connections or bonds we are cutting ourselves out of the picture.
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Preparation for a birth parent reunion is the best tool.