Closed records were part of the system, definitely not an option or choice. The policy was "Give up your baby and then vanish into thin air - don't stick around and ask questions, don't come back later and 'bother' your child or his/her parents - just give us your baby and then go quietly into the night as if you never really existed." Those opposing open records preach about our obligation to uphold the confidentiality and privacy promised to birth mothers at the time of relinquishment as though we asked to be "protected" and secreted from the world. Most of us deny ever being promised "confidentiality" in the first place. We never wanted or asked to be secreted away like criminals and excluded forever from any contact or knowledge of our children. The majority of us never wanted to be separated from our children in the first place, so, why would we want or need lifelong assurances that our children would never be able to locate us? The birth parents I know are either reunited or would LOVE to be in touch with their relinquished children. The concept of needing to be "protected" from your own child is a particularly alien one to me. Why would one need “protection” from their own child?
I was “found”. I had never searched or registered, nor did I ever tell anyone I had relinquished a child. My biggest fear was that my "secret" (the relinquishment, not my son) would be revealed. My fear of discovery was not a fear of my son, but, was prompted by concerns about how people I cared about would react to me when they found out I had once relinquished a child. Nevertheless, I was also overjoyed at the thought of getting to finally know my son. I signed consent for contact as soon as I could and told everyone who mattered to me about my son. The fact that I did not search, nor tell anyone that I had a son that I had relinquished does not mean I love my son any less - denial was my survival mode - by finding me, he pulled me into reality and into his life. Finding me was his gift to me - one of the best presents I have ever received.
Until my son found me, I had no idea how much I wanted/needed to have him in my life. I was too mired in denial to know how right and important it was for us to reconnect - how good it would be - how healthy, healing and joyous having a relationship with him would be. I tell my story because I do not want records to remain sealed to "protect" people like me. The people who are trying to maintain sealed records are the very same people who counseled so many of us years ago that it was "for the best" to relinquish our children. They were wrong then - and they are still are.
Jan Baker - janb91204@yahoo.com
