Diary of a Birth Mother in an Open Adoption

Depression

This is the second page of the journal of a birth mother who has placed her child in an open adoption. Read about her first year after placing her daughter and come to see the other side of an open adoption, that of the birth mother.

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I've got two job offers but am leaning toward a magazine job. I got sad last night about my daughter and couldn't sleep. Today I got my four-week letters and pictures and a journal of my little girl, plus the placement tape. I sent a picture and copies of the letters to my mom and sister.

I've gotten into another relationship. I went to my monthly birthmom support group and it helped. I wish it met more often, though. A friend of mine told me I had it made because I got to come to Gladney. I emailed my little girl a card and got one from my AP [adoptive parent] mom. I start a new job tomorrow. I didn't get the job at the magazine. Another resident had her baby during the Olympics, a boy. She was in the army before she came to Gladney.

I had counseling today. My AP mom suggested that she, my daughter, and I get together twice a year when she's a little older and go shopping and out to eat! I was blown away! She got my journal, pix, and letters. She said she cried. I've been moving stuff into my new place all day.

I was remembering some childhood and adult memories: running through sprinklers, the smell of freshly cut grass, watching old "David Letterman" shows in the 80s, how I started cracking my knuckles, good movies, going through codependency treatment, feeling like I couldn't please my mom, dying to please Dad, the '94 Winter Olympics, the way my ex-husband used to look at me, the safety of my sister, blowing Dandelions with my best friend, Kristina.

I was thinking about my dad. I don't remember when I stopped loving him and when I started hating my mom. I don't hate her now. Having the baby brought us closer together, miraculously. Suddenly I understood the love a mom feels, which I'd always heard about. I don't remember a time when my sister and I weren't close. She practically raised me from the time I was 8 after the divorce. I don't remember ever having a healthy relationship. I envy one the resident who gets to help her boyfriend raise his son. The girl who had her son during the Olympics is so strong. I wish I could be like her. People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so.

I want to be free, to not be angry or sullen. I want to be a success. My daughter makes me want to be a better person. I want to be peaceful, to be a good mom, to have a house, to play more, to be financially secure, to give more, to not keep score, to not be sad, to be focused, to take care of myself.

I don't want any more chaos in my life. I don't want to have to run or to be broke or live a lie. I don't want to lose any more jobs or to be in danger. I don't want to lose my home or my daughter. Most of all I don't want to lose faith or give up hope. I don't want to lose touch with my AP mom. I don't want to be promiscuous any more or hurt myself and others any more.

I feel good but uncertain about my relationship. I feel like a bad mom. I feel sorry for my daughter's birth father but not enough to get back with him. That'd be crazy and really like a slap in my daughter's face after he abandoned us. I feel relieved I moved. I feel sorry for one of the residents who has placed two children for adoption. She's only 20. I feel rich spiritually, faithful, lucky, like celebrating.

I haven't been feeling much these days. But I'm not afraid and I don't feel like rocking the boat. I don't feel like living in reality or like being myself. But I don't want to run and I don't feel like things are so bad. I don't feel like God's with me but I don't feel hopeless, either.

I saw an old friend last night and she asked me if the adoption was hard. I told her yes. She's raised her ten-year-old daughter on her own for the most part but she's always had her family to help her out.

I lied to two people at work and told them I had custody of my daughter when they asked if I had kids. It was just easier. I'm still grieving. What drives me is my passion for writing and my little girl. What drives my best friend, who has raised her 17-year-old daughter all on her own, is her passion for life.

My daughter was conceived a year ago today. I joined another support group in addition to the ones I already go to. I'm so exhausted all the time now. It's just like when I was first pregnant. My little girl lost a pound. She's only 8 pounds. I'm worried about her but my AP mom says she's okay developmentally. Newsweek put out a whole issue on babies in the millennium. They said now is the best time to get pregnant, have a baby, or raise an infant.

I'm real depressed and sad about my daughter. I got pictures and letters. A friend of mine emailed me that I should move on. I emailed her back an assertive letter. I'm sleeping a lot like when I first got pregnant. I had a good day. I had a good dream about my little girl. My heart aches to hold her.

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