This is the fourth page of the journal of a birth mother who has placed her child in an open adoption. Read about her first year after placing her daughter and come to see the other side of an open adoption, that of the birth mother.
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13-Jan-2001Today I thought about my little girl a lot. I showed a friend of mine her pictures and gave her one. I don't know what I'd do if I had her right now. I passed baby items in the store and was grateful I didn't have her because she'd be without. To know she has more than she needs gives me comfort. Still nothing about the interview.
14-Jan-2001I dreamed I went to my AP[adoptive parent] mom's for dinner but didn't ask about my daughter. I told a friend of mine about the interview pending. He couldn't believe it. He used to be in radio.
15-Jan-2001I miss my little girl terribly. I got a picture today of her. A year ago I moved into Gladney. My daughter is five months old today. She's growing so fast. At work today a mom was bragging about how her little girl said her first words yesterday - Mama. I started back on my novel about Gladney. I'm only on Chapter 2. It's hard to write it but I want it to be so good and to help so many. Still nothing about the interview. My daughter looked so happy in the picture I got today. Unlike my baby pix. It was so important that she be happy and fed. I'm so glad I did what I did even though I miss her.
2-15-01I talked to a counselor in the Post Adoption Department at Gladney about my little girl and my grief. I still feel so guilty and lost without her. She's six months old today. She's starting to say letters and she rolls a lot. I got new pictures in the mail. I've missed six months of her life even though I get pictures; etc. I can hardly function or hold onto my job.
2-16-01My dog is trying to save my life in a way, I think. He stood on my chest and started wrestling with me when I was depressed. He wouldn't let me stop playing and he kept licking my face. He made me laugh and smile for the first time in weeks. The day before he'd been at the vet with his on-going liver problem and was on three different meds. For the first time in a long time I felt new and alive. He'd made me care again. I guess maybe God reached me through him, who knows? My little girl is so lucky. I'm so lucky. I told my dog not to leave me and that I'd try and stick around. I thanked God.
2-26-01A friend of mine made some rude comments about my adoption plan and I almost drank over it. She said I should have another baby and keep it, that I could've afforded to keep my daughter and that I just didn't have the confidence I needed to be a mom. She implied that since I love my little girl I should've kept her. Last night there were babies at a birthday party I went to and it made me sad. I almost quit or got fired. I got an email from a girl who's pregnant and doesn't know what to do. I sent her a copy of my journal and told her to call me. She's interested in adoption. Her boyfriend abuses her.
2-26-01I talked to that girl again about adopting. We talked for a long time.
3-15-01I made a long list of people who've said good things about the adoption so I can focus on that. There's quite a few people.
3-17-01I wrote a letter to my friend who said mean things about the adoption but didn't send it, just wrote it for me. I'm not mad at God any more about the adoption, but still mad at me.
4-15-01In two days I'm going to get to see my little girl for the first time since Placement. The 17th is the finalization of the adoption and we've all arranged to meet and spend the day together. I'm probably not going to sleep the night before, I'll be excited! It'll be like Christmas Eve as a kid, waiting for Santa or something! A friend of mine had me over for Easter dinner which I wasn't expecting, so that was nice. I thought about my daughter all day and wondered what she thought of her first Easter today and about how she looked. I bet everyone made a fuss over her at church.
4-16-01I'm at my best friend's spending the night and in the morning after court for the finalization of the adoption, the AP[adoptive parent] mom is supposed to call me for us to meet! We're going to take pix and videotape everything. I can't wait to see my little girl and to hold her in my arms. She always dresses her so cute. I'll probably be up and down all night but I don't care. I've got the day off for this special occasion that I'll never forget.
4-17-01I got to see my little girl today! Now she's officially all theirs, legally. She was so happy and talked and smiled the whole time, saying "dada" and looking up at all the lights and around at all the people. She's so curious! I'm prejudiced but I've never seen such a happy baby! We took pictures and they gave me some new ones they took. She thinks her name's 'pretty girl' because they call her that all the time, to get her to smile for pictures. She used to not like getting her picture taken.
