This is the fifth page of the journal of a birth mother who has placed her child in an open adoption. Read about her first year after placing her daughter and come to see the other side of adoption, that of the birth mother.
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4-18-01I'm still doing well and am really happy about my daughter. My AP [adoptive parent] mom emailed me to see if I was okay and I told her I'm doing good. She said I was so calm and gracious to everyone. I met some of her family and friends at breakfast yesterday when I saw my little girl. She said they all loved me. Her best friend told me it was an honor to meet me and that she felt like she already knew me, with tears in her eyes. Her sister told me she saw me when I came in the restaurant and that I was the exact image of my daughter. She said she would know me anywhere!
4-22-01The AP mom got to see the Barbara Walters Special about adoption. She said she cried and cried during it and my little girl looked at her as if to say, "What's your deal?" She said she loved it and liked what Rosie O'Donnell had to say, too. She said she's going to tell both of her kids (her son's adopted, too through Gladney) that they were always number one in their birth moms' eyes and that I and the other birth mom (to her son) chose adoption because they were the most important thing in our lives and we wanted the best. She said she tells them how special they are, especially at night as she wants them to know from an early age how special and lucky they are.
4-23-01I emailed the AP[adoptive parent] mom and told her thank you for the sweetest letter she put in a card to me. Her words meant a lot to me. She said she and her husband were humbled by my choosing them to raise my daughter. I liked the special and afterwards went to the store for a breather.
4-26-01I had a delayed reaction the other day to seeing my little girl. I was doing great for several days then got depressed. But then I got a cheery email from the AP mom today telling me that my little girl got in the Jacuzzi today for the first time and absolutely loved it, becoming so excited she almost jumped out of their arms! That made my day! She said her son loved the water at that age, too, but never like this. She laughed and laughed (my daughter did). Maybe she'll become an Olympic swimmer or something. She splashed and squealed. She said next time she'll tape it for me. So she adores the water! The AP mom is leaving in the morning for the weekend for the first time to be away from her kids. She said she's looking forward to it but dreading leaving them. She said it's hard for her to go to work even though they sleep the whole time she's gone. She's afraid they won't miss her as they both love their dad. I thought about them all weekend and how they did with just their dad. He dotes on them both and is so gentle with my daughter. He's just the father she needs. I know he would protect her till his dying day. She doesn't deserve any less and I feel good about him. Today is my dad's 65th birthday but we're estranged. I'm glad my little girl will never have to go through that. My dad abused me so I can't be with him or have him in my life because he hasn't changed and takes no responsibility for what he did. I tried having him in my life before but it was destructive for me so I had to let him go. He still tries sometimes to worm his way back in, but he's not willing to do things differently. He doesn't even know about my little girl but I'm protective of her, too.
4-27-01I'm talking more about the adoption to others and am not ashamed. I will never be ashamed of her. I am ashamed of me, that I couldn't get it together to be a mom.
4-28-01I got an idea to go to the nursing home next to my job on Mother's Day and deliver care packages and visit those who never get visitors. I figure since that day is traditionally the hardest day of the year for birth moms and it will be my first one without my daughter, that it will do me good to get out of myself. This just came to me.
4-29-01I talked to the activity director at the nursing home and when I told her what I wanted to do she got all excited like she won the Lotto or something. Anyway, it could always be worse. I could be an old lady in a nursing home with no one to visit me. How sad would that be?
