Diary of a Mother

Eight Days Late & Finally an Appearance

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Thinking about you. Another resident signed papers today. She spent two hours with her baby and will get to see her two more days then that's it. I keep reading to you. They say at this stage you can hear my voice. I know when it's over I'll wish you were still inside me.

I see your APs [adoptive parents] again Friday and meet their son for the first time. I saw my counselor today. I'm back to part-time. My sister sent me a book and card.

I dreamed a bunch of my friends crashed a dinner with my APs and me. I'm afraid they've unmatched with me. Another girl got her APs and showed me their profile. I liked them. The closer the placement gets, the sadder I get.

Your APs gave me a wallpaper sample of your nursery. It's dancing teddy bears. I met their little boy. They're excellent parents. They also gave me a card and some gifts. My best friend had me over for lunch, dinner, and a movie. We went to see Shakespeare in the Park last night but left at intermission because everyone was uncomfortable. My caseworker drew up my hospital plan. We're doing the nursery visit and placement plan this week.

A former resident's visiting tomorrow. I'm supposed to meet with my caseworker tomorrow to do the nursery visit and placement plans. I made a list of general life goals.

Your due date was yesterday. My sister came for three days and left today. She felt you move and said she'd miss knowing you. She talked to you. I went back to the doctor Thursday. You're seven pounds. Your AP mom met me there again. I gave her an angel ornament for your first Christmas. My sister and I stayed at a bed and breakfast where they made us heart-shaped cookies with our names on them and brought us peach tea. It's a place for Christian couples and had a Jacuzzi. I crave oranges, limes, sherbet, toaster strudels, and apple butter. I ate a mango and it made me crave a bell pepper.

I had contractions for the first time ever last night! But there were only two, lasting five minutes total. My mom and sister called tonight. I dreamed about you. My doctor's back from out of town, thank God! I keep telling you it's time to come out now. I hope you don't think I hate you.

I'm 50 percent effaced but not dilated. Your AP mom met me at the doctor again and gave me flowers. I met with my caseworker. She says I have to start visualizing letting go of you. I can't and haven't. Another resident went to the hospital last night but nothing happened. Your head keeps moving to the bottom. Ready.

Mom surprised me by coming in to town for three days. Your head is still down below. No contractions since Thursday. I lay awake last night imagining what you will look like. I tried to do that "letting go" thing but couldn't. We got in three new girls. I'm giving some pictures to you who I hope will like them. It's weird to be with Mom and be pregnant. I'm swollen like another girl was. I'm scared about having a delivery like hers.

I can't sleep again. I gave my mom a dorm tour. I'm so anxious about labor. I lay awake wondering what you will look like, be like. I'm eight days late now. Mom doesn't understand a lot of the adoption stuff. I showed her the placement outfit, scrapbook, photo album, and profile of your APs.

You were born on Aug. 15th at 2:00 p.m. You were 7 lbs., 2 oz., and 19 1/2 inches long with a full head of hair. I pushed for three hours and had an emergency C-section. Today I signed the papers and had my first nursery visit. Mom was here when I went into labor. She met your APs, my best friend, her roommate, and the doctor. I cried today after signing papers. I've taken a lot of pictures and your APs gave me a copy of a tape they made at the hospital. It's weird to not have you inside me. I miss you.

At first I felt detached after you were born. Your first greeter was my best friend's roommate who rocked you. You're fascinated with Barbara's face and your own hands. Your AP dad's great, very tender. He and your AP mom are so happy, it's amazing.

I want to remember your smile, your dimple in your chin, all the pictures we took, your dreams, your good nature, your cooing, feeling like you motivate me to go on, how you love to nap and stretch.

As I watch you dream, you smile. I hope it's a good dream. I tell you that your parents love you so much already and that you're going to be very happy. I tell you that I forget the pain when I look at you. When I see how happy your APs are, I don't have second thoughts. I tell you that I made sure your homemade blanket would go home with you. I think you like it. I hope you do. I never would've thought I could have something so beautiful. I tell you that your birth father kind of looks like he's smiling when he sleeps. I tell you that as long as I know you're happy that I know I'm going to be okay. I tell you I can't wait to meet you one day and that I'm excited to see what you'll become.

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