Diary of a Mother

Nursery Visits and the Final Decision

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One of the residents came home upset after having her baby. She had a hard time leaving her baby at the hospital. Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. I thought about you last night and all day. It's so surreal to think you're mine. I don't want to be alone. The pain's getting a little better physically. I talked to my sister and my mom.

The nights are so hard here. I had another nursery visit today and it went a lot better. I had four people there. A friend of mine cried most of the time. Another resident had her first nursery visit today. Today the transitional moms had you in a pink ruffled dress. They sent me email pix that looked great. You were taken to your first Richard Gere movie yesterday and ate through the whole thing. You didn't cry at all. They say you're the easiest baby they've ever had. Your appetite's getting better. I miss being pregnant.

Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. Another resident had her second one today. I've been fighting depression today. I put a picture of you next to my bed. Hopefully I can handle it. I got some more pictures developed. You look great. You're perfect. I thought about having another baby. But I'd feel too guilty about you. You'll always be "the one."

I cried last night with a house parent then almost cried three more times. I had another nursery visit today. My last one's tomorrow. You were irritable today and I couldn't make you happy. I felt helpless. Another girl decided to keep her baby after giving birth this morning. She has nothing but I can't judge her. I should have stressed to her the importance of not being alone with the baby. I made myself sore from crying and straining my incision. A birth mom who placed six years ago is supposed to call me and I'm going to the support group next week

I placed you today. It was the hardest thing I've ever done or will do, I think. Last night another resident and I cried together. Her placement was after mine on the same day. I'm spending the night at my best friend's to get away. I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder what you're doing right now.

Now read the rest of the story Diary of a Birth Mother.

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