Going back-to-school can be an added trauma for a child in a new foster or adoptive home. Sometimes being a foster child or an adopted child can bring a lot of unwanted attention from some bullies who may ask hard questions that may be difficult for the kids to answer. It is up to us as parents to give our children the tools needed to handle themselves out in the world.
Answering Questions
Teach children that they do NOT have to answer every question. What is your child's business is his/her business alone!
- Q: Someone may ask, "Why didn't your mom want you?" or "Do you know your REAL mom?"
A: Your foster/adoptive child may answer, "I don't want to talk about this right now", "I don't share personal information", "I am wanted by my family", "I know who my parents are, and they love me very much" or simply walk away. A reader recently shared that a response of, "I am wanted and loved by more than one family," worked for her as a child.
Q: Someone may ask, "Why are you in foster care?"
A: Your foster child may answer, "I need to live where it's safe right now" or again, just walk away.
Q: Someone may ask, "Why were you adopted?"
A: Your adoptive child may answer, "My parents adopted me because they love me."
Teach your child to use humor. Sometimes a quick wit can end an uncomfortable discussion.
- Q:Someone may ask, "Why don't you look like your mom?" or "Why don't you look like your sister/brother?"
A: Your child may answer with, "Because I'm better looking!"
Q: Someone may ask, "What does it feel like to be adopted?"
A: Your child may answer with, "What does it feel like not to be adopted?"
Answer honestly and simply. No need to add any unasked for information.
- Q: Someone may ask, "Why do you have a new last name?"
A: Your child may answer with, "Because I was adopted, so my name changed." Then walk away. No need to add into this discussion with information about birthparents not completing the reunification process. Or, "My step-dad adopted me, so I changed my name to be the same as my mom and dad's."
Q: Someone may ask, "Do you miss or think about your birth parents?"
A: Your child may answer with, "Yes, I do. Please don't ask me about this, I don't want to talk about it right now."
Using a Cover Story
Cover Stories are just that - stories to provide cover or protection. Using cover stories is not about telling lies, it's about keeping information private that could be used to tease and harass. By doing so we are trying to create the best possible environment for our children.
- Some foster children choose to refer to their foster parents as "mom and dad" while at school, even if they don't call their foster parents "mom and dad" at home. Another option is referring to their foster parents as "aunt or uncle". This works for some kids, but if they move into a well-known foster home, the kids at school will catch on quickly.
- If your foster child's birth parent(s) is/are in prison, teach your child to say, "My mom/dad is unable to come to visits right now." or "My mom/dad is out of town and I can't wait to see him/her again." As long as your child understands the truth there is no harm in keeping these facts within your family and within the case.
- Teach your children to be choosy in who they do share information with. Friends are important, especially with older children. Let your children know that if he/she does choose to share more personal information with people to make sure that they know this person well and have established a friendship over a period of time.
Reason's to Practice Answering Questions
- Help the children to establish boundaries. Due to past neglect and abuse, especially sexual abuse; some children feel that they are literally "everyone's property". It is important that children learn that their body and life is not available to everyone's use and/or knowledge.
- Teach the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is about respecting yourself enough to set boundaries, allowing only those who need to know information, into your business. Secrecy is about shame and guilt, things instilled into some children's lives due to past neglect and abuse.
- Protect the child. We as parents are to protect our children from further abuse and harassment. With too much information floating around, our foster/adoptive children could be setting themselves up for further maltreatment.
- There is a stigma attached to being in foster care or with being adopted. We have to arm our children so that they may deal with any situation with confidence and pride.
