When it comes to setting boundaries and rules of the home, I establish these with the kids on the very first day. I think this gives the kids the immediate feeling of structure and predictability. Some rules are set in stone and can not be negotiated, like safety rules; other rules can be handed over to the kids for their input.
Allowing the kids to participate in setting family/home rules gives them a chance to feel like they have some power during a very controlled time in their life. One way we do this in our home is with family meetings in which we ask each member of the family to write down 3 rules they think our family needs. You may want to put some guidelines on this before beginning this activity. For example: "I think anyone named Timmy should sleep in the doghouse." This may not help Timmy feel real welcome! I then type them up and hang them on the refrigerator or family bulletin board. Other helpful hints:
- Wait a few weeks before doing this activity with new foster children to give them a chance to settle in and feel comfortable.
Make sure to state that Mom and Dad have the final say on any and all rules. Don't give up all your aces!
- When rules are broken say what you mean and mean what you say. A cliche yes, but good advice. If you waiver, the kids will have a difficult time respecting you or your word.
- Discuss issues with your spouse or significant other often. Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to rules and discipline. If you feel Max needs to miss his soccer game while your husband doesn't agree, make sure you discuss this before telling Max he's on the bench.
- IF you do disagree don't argue about it in front of the kids. Many children are masters of manipulation. This is a strong survival skill in some children. If they see you disagree this may give them the sense that there is room to "divide and conquer".
