The Question of Birth Family
Carrie Craft -"Many adoptive parents don’t consider the birth family of the children they are hoping to adopt, especially when looking to adopt internationally. Tanya wrote in her letter to Margarita that she had no intention of taking the place of her biological mother. Did birth parents ever come into mind when you first started your adoption journey?"
Mike -“We are physically and legally cut off from contact with birth family, but they are still a very big part of life, for the good, bad or indifferent. They molded who these kids are today.”
Marriage
Carrie Craft -"How has the adoption hurt or changed your marriage and family relationships?"
Tanya -“Adoption has not hurt it, but it's definitely stressful, more than it needs to be. We’re exhausted constantly. One thing we said we’re going to do in the New Year, is that we’re going to take time for ourselves.”
The Mulligan’s have noted that Margarita does especially well when she feels that she is needed and has an important job to do. So they are going to start giving her more responsibility now that she is 16. They plan on asking her to babysit Slater, so that they can go out on monthly date nights.
Mike -Mike feels that the marriage is OK, but strained.
“When you have two adults in the same situation, the adults tend to deal with it in different ways. I have learned how to accept Slater's behaviors, but sometimes she may not be so accepting. Other times, the situation is flipped and Tanya is on a different cycle, and in an accepting mood and I'm not. This causes tension.”
Carrie Craft -"Does Tanya get the brunt of the children’s behavior?"
Tanya -“Yes. Yes, I do. It’s horrific, especially with Margarita’s hormones. She is 16 and very hormonal.”
Carrie Craft -"I know of a few families who have unfortunately divorced following difficult or challenging adoptions. What do you do to keep your marriage strong?"
Tanya -“We work together and are on the same page. We try to note the positives that we’ve accomplished.”
Joyce Sterkel and the Ranch for Kids
Carrie Craft -"Are you still in contact with the Joyce Sterkel from the Ranch for Kids?"
Tanya -“Yes, she helps."
Carrie Craft -"You children stayed at the ranch for awhile, did the stay help?"
Tanya -"Yes. I think it did help Margarita. The kids that were there can’t go home and they told Margarita how lucky she was to get to go home. They said, 'They’re coming to pick you up. We can’t go home. We hurt our parents too much.'"
Tanya feels that hearing this from peers made an impact on Margarita.
Carrie Craft -"Joyce Sterkel said that the “number one sin of adoptive parents is over indulgence.” Do you think you over-indulge your children?"
Tanya -"Margartita and Elena came with nothing. You dress them in the clothes you bring. The girls couldn’t even leave Russia with the underwear they were wearing; they had to leave it all for other children in the orphanage. We had to completely build a new wardrobe."
Tanya mentioned the segment on the 20/20 special in which Margarita complained that her parents tried to buy their love with multiple shopping trips. Tanya stated that as the girls grew with proper care, they had to go buy more clothing to fit, so it probably did feel like they were shopping a lot in the beginning, because they were.
To get a sense of how undersized the girls were when they arrived, Tanya reported that Elena was almost 9 years old when she came to the United States. She weighed 42 pounds and wore a size 4 toddler.
The Future
Many noted on the 20/20 episode that Margarita struggles with close touch. The Mulligans report that she has not improved when it comes to close touch yet. This may be a life long battle for her.
When asked if they worry that Elena’s behavior has not yet surfaced, the answer was a quick, "yes."
Slater has assaulted a few children since the 20/20 special. He choked a little girl on the way home from school and was repeatedly punching a student in the stomach during his tutoring program. The Mulligans wonder what placement options will be available and appropriate as time goes on for Slater and his special needs.
Final Thoughts
Carrie Craft -"You mentioned that it was good to have the secret out, that you were struggling as a family. Is it still good to have the secret out or do you regret the 20/20 special?"
Tanya -“We don’t regret the special at all. We got good reception and about eighty percent positive comments from those who saw it. Some strangers have come forward who have stated that they understand and are praying for us. You don't realize how difficult it is unless you have a child with these needs in your home.”
Mike - “Definitely glad we did it.”
The children have watched the show too. The Mulligan's reported that the children didn't seem embarrassed or mad by the special. The Mulligans explained to the children that they hoped it would help others and them as a family. 20/20 did obtain consent from the children before shooting the interviews.
Carrie Craft -"How did you get involved with the 20/20 interview?"
Tanya -"20/20 called Joyce and no families were willing to talk. Joyce asked if she could give them our name. We were the only family that was willing, good, bad, right or wrong to step forward to let everyone know what’s going on.”
Carrie Craft -"I feel that there is a real need for more adoption services for struggling families. What adoption support do you think is missing for families struggling with severe behavior problems?"
Tanya -“Unless you are filthy rich or dirt poor, there are no mental health services for you."
Tanya feels that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very underplayed, underestimated, and not recognized enough. She feels that more study is needed and understanding of the parents of kids with RAD.
Carrie Craft -"Anything else you’d like to say?"
Mike -“Definitely don’t let it stop you. Be prepared, do research, when you think you have, talk to more people. When you think you know, you probably don’t”
Tanya -"What is your plan when things go wrong?”
True History & the VideoLanguage Barrier, Finances & Adopting Again
