Developmental grieving is grief that is triggered by, often times unconscious, memories of a past event. Anniversaries such as the day the child was removed from their birth home or past foster home, the death of a birth parent, car wreck, birthday, or holiday. The child may not remember why they are moody, sad, angry, or regressing in behaviors; but somewhere in their bodies the memory lives on and still haunts them.
Things to think about to discover if your child may be experiencing developmental grieving:
Does the behavior occur at the same time of day?
How about during a certain time of year, such as a birthday or Holiday?
Does the child seem sad or out of sorts when school is about to start or end? We've had experience with a child that grieved every May as school was getting out of session. We later discovered that the child went into state's custody at that time of year.
Does an upcoming special event seem to cause undue sadness for your child - prom, graduation, wedding, birth of baby. Sometimes the feeling of 'what might of been' for a foster or adopted child, may trigger some grieving. An adopted child may start to think about birth mom near the time of the birth of her own baby.
For example: We quickly learned that our son acted out every year around his birthday. We decided that the best way to handle this time of year was to make sure to celebrate his birthday on the actual day or a weekend before. When we extended the date, by waiting until the weekend after to celebrate, we were extending his anxiety and anger. This change helped cut down the amount of negative time in our home.
Remember with developmental grieving, the calendar may give you a clue as to what is happening with the child and a possible way to best help a child with developmental grieving.
