Readers Respond: Top Hurtful or Rude Questions and Comments About Your Foster or Adopted Children

Responses: 6

Why do some rude people assume that they deserve answers to their nosy questions?

Why do some people assume it's OK to say rude or hurtful comments about your child?

I have never heard rude things about my birth child. When it comes to my adopted children or my foster children - the gloves come off! People can be very mean.

Use this space to vent! What rude comment really surprised you?

Yes, they ARE rude!

To the first person - yes, those questions are rude. Discussions about the birth family are very personal; in many cases, adoptive/foster parents are not supposed to discuss the biological family for safety reasons. As for the last question about the kid driving you crazy, that is incredibly rude. If you cannot understand why someone would be offended by that, you're in dire need of sensitivity training. As for a rude question that I've heard, my husband and I have a biological son. When people first heard that we were looking to adopt, we were asked why we wanted to adopt when we already had a child "of our own." I still cringe at that one. We were also asked if our "real" son wasn't good enough for us. That was rude on so many levels.

—Guest mom04

These are considered rude???

None of those questions you posted in the article seem rude. They are examples of sincere questions that probably are indicative of an interest in the child being addressed. If there is a stigma attached to being adopted or fostered, as you suggest, what better way to lessen the stigma than to talk about it in a more open manner? Being secretive and aloof adds to the stigma, or mystery.

—adoptashelterdogandcat

compliments end with "for foster kids"

Upon first meeting our foster children relatives and friends (who don't foster) frequently say, "Wow they're so well behaved for foster kids." I guess they expected animal-like behavior. Friends of ours received similar comments referring to how attractive their children were "for foster kids".

—kdcunn2

pointing out skin color

My favorite was "She is beautiful! She must look like her daddy." Since she does not look like me. As I am a single parent, my snarky comeback was "hmm -- don't know." My other favorite was when a waiter in an Indian restaurant asked me, "you're from India?? Ma'am, you don't look Indian at all," (presumably because of my light complexion). Pointing to my daughter - POINTING - he says, "SHE, though, she looks Madrasi (South Indian)." The colorism in my own cultural group is disgusting, as are their rude comments about our different appearances.

—SLB2009

My adoptive Mother would say

When people would ask questions, my adoptive parents would lie and act like I was not adopted. They would even go so far as telling my doctors their family medical history was mine. They act ashamed of my adoption. This is extremely hurtful to me.

—Guest Gina

Dad, what does Biological mean?

I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago when a boy of about 10 y.o. was reading magazine headlines in the checkout line. (Michael Jackson, of course.) And he starts saying to his dad, "Dad, dad, what does 'biological' mean? The magazines say he's not their biological dad." Dad was hesitant to answer. "It means real dad," he said. "They're saying he's not the kids' real dad." Showing his own ignorance, but what if an adopted kid or kid raised by a stepdad was standing behind us in line? I know it's hard to explain genetics to a 10 yr old, much less explain sperm from daddies and eggs from mommies in a grocery store, but couldn't he just say, "Your biological dad is your dad before you're born, and some kids have different dads after they're born?" I suppose this isn't the most offensive thing in the world to say about adoptive dads. And I really don't care what you think about MJ. His kids are under 14 and I just wish the press would leave them ALONE.

—Guest stairway220