Readers Respond: Top Hurtful or Rude Questions and Comments About Your Foster or Adopted Children

Why do some rude people assume that they deserve answers to their nosy questions?

Why do some people assume it's OK to say rude or hurtful comments about your child?

I have never heard rude things about my birth child. When it comes to my adopted children or my foster children - the gloves come off! People can be very mean.

Use this space to vent! What rude comment really surprised you?

Resiliency

The main thing we try to teach our kids is resilience. Resilience is to point out the many ways in which our family's values differ from many other people's. That might sound odd or like not a great idea, but when you are a vegetarian, homeschooling, Buddhist, transracial adoptive family with an HIV+ member, well, your kids have to learn that other people might not agree with our values and choices, but that's their problem, not ours. How does this relate to resiliency? We hope that, when our kids are in situations where they are made uncomfortable by others, our kids' first reaction will be to recognize how their behavior and circumstances are a reflection of our family's values. We feel that with a strong foundation in that, our kids will be less likely to feel helpless in the face of criticism or hostility.

—Guest rbxiUPUrpDeDCxHkr

I love my gay biological (and+) parents

I was born to gay parents, and my lesbian moms adopted two girls after me. One of my sisters has a harder time with my parents being gay, but it has always felt normal to me. I write about my family at my blog here: http://www.squidoo.com/having-gay-parents

—Guest ComradePrincess

Turning it Around

We adopted a sibling group of 4 through the foster care system. We have comments to (and about) us constantly. They say: "THEY are so lucky"! We say: "No, "WE" are so lucky; "our" children are happy, healthy, smart, beautiful kiddos; and they bring so much love to our life...WE are SO blessed!" They say "Something's "up" here...wagging their fingers at us." I say "What do you mean?" They say "She looks nothing like you." I say: "I know; isn't my daughter beautiful!" Our family is on facebook @ E&A Family. We would love to help anyone that is considering adopting. It has truly been a blessing for all of us!

—Guest Suzettelle

Other People's Problems

The only really rude comment I've heard, more of an attempt to discourage, was: "You're just taking on other people's problems." My response: "That's so wierd! So are they!"

—Guest Kent Nelson

The W.I.S.E. Up Power Book

Please, all of you, for the sake of your kids, buy a copy of this book and read it with them. It's about setting boundaries when people ask stupid questions and it will teach your children (and you!) that you have choices about how to respond when this happens. I also recommend you all buy copies of Adoption Is a Family Affair by Patricia Johnston and distribute them to your family so they can be educated about adoption and how to treat your child with kindness and welcome them into the family. This is all so distressing!

—Guest Sue

Whats wrong with them ...

I really hate it when we are out with our children and strangers walk up to one of my kids start out with a remark of "oh how cute" followed with "what's wrong with him/her? Just because there is a special medical need does not mean there is something "WRONG"

—Guest Nolllong

Former Foster Kid

I am a former Foster Kid and I would hear "well, why didn't your mom want you?" or "you don't look like your parents at all."

—Guest Angela

What did you expect?

My personal favorite after a hard day - "For well you chose to do this, what did you expect?"

—Guest ebeth

But its the way

As a foster child I realized that my life is complicated and I wanna know who my real parents are!! I find that no matter how hard I try to get over it, it is sometimes shameful, but its life and if it wasn't for these people I think some people would be on the streets if it wasn't for people who took their job seriously in finding a home to people who matter. were all special and we foster children are a little more cause we get a little bit more attention.

—Guest jj

Why don't you have a daddy?

I'm a single adoptive mom of 2 girls. Kids in school have asked many times "Why don't you have a daddy?" My oldest would struggle to answer. My little 5 year old answers..." He died!" End of conversation. I've heard her say it many times when asked. We chuckle each time. Once on a plane, I heard the little girl across the isle ask her, Why don't you have a daddy? Again her response is He died! Her parent's response was to stop asking question, being embarrassed. I truly think it's a cleaver response.

—Guest Jeanene

Your so lucky, little girl...

An older woman approached my 3 yr old Haitian-American foster daughter in the grocery store, wagged her finger in her face and said, "You're so lucky to have that lady (me)! You better be good for her!" REALLY?!?! Of course there were some significant cultural and generational stuff going on there- but I just can't wrap my brain around someone having the nerve to say that to a child. All children who have good parents/caregivers are fortunate. But not as fortunate as we are to have them in our lives! This particular child had JUST come into care and didn't speak or understand much English. Thank God. If she had, it surely would have compounded the trauma she had just been through.

—Guest jlf

Depends

I think that the questions can be rude, but don't have to be. It all depends on the way the person asks the question and when and how they ask the question.

—Guest nighte

Don't you want children of your own?

We are in the process of becoming foster parents. While my immediate family is extremely accepting (my parents have been fostering themselves for over 10 years) my fiancee's family, extended family, friends, and even strangers almost all say the same thing the first time we tell them them, " You are both so young (25 and 26) don't you want to try harder and have your own children". Now we have not tried to have children (we haven't tried to prevent it either) but infertility is not known either. We are becoming foster parents because we have chosen to make our family this way because we believe there are enough children in the world who already need family. It hurts me so much that people would question our decision to give a child a family. And it angers me because my younger (adopted) sisters are no different to me then my bio sisters. It angers me that anyone would think foster or adopted children are less important then bios.

—Guest tnlmommy2b

ADOPTED

I AM ADOPTED AND PEOPLE WHERE MEAN TO ME ALL THE TIME TO ME. IT MADE ME WISH I WASN'T ADOPTED. IT MADE ME SAD HOW PEOPLE COULD BE SO MEAN TO ME JUST BECAUSE I WAS ADOPTED.

—Guest DAT

Are they all YOURS?

I am the proud mom of 5 boys, in various colors, ages and nationalities. Often, I hear, "Are they ALL yours?", which makes my sons so uncomfortable. Face it, would you really want everybody to know you are in foster care? I have found the best response is, "They are all mine right now!", delivered with a big smile. It makes people stop and try to figure out exactly what I mean.

—Terischnit