1. Parenting

Readers Respond: What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

Responses: 52



My response to this as an adopted child myself and having recently gone through the mammoth search for answers is basically back in the 60s everything was hush, hush, what would the neighbors say etc. Once the baby was born it was a case of we will return home and never speak of this again! I agree with Guest palm having gone through 3 pregnancies and not being able to answer basic questions on my genetic family is so difficult. Guest sadness you cannot possibly blame your husband's biological child for wanting to know the truth and obtain answers and quite simply your husband should have told you everything a long, long time ago.

Adoption Reunion

My reunion with my daughter was good for one year. Then she started sending me nasty e-mails. I was fat and ugly, god did'nt want me to have anymore children, I wasn't capable of taking care of one.She had to scrub herself everytime I left.I was a nothing etc....It's been a bloody nightmare. I was in foster care and don't have contact with my family. But my daughter and those people are on FB together. That is sick.We both don't want anything to do with each other. She say's I just wanted my medical info. Now that I got it, I don't need you anymore.I didn't want you to get to know me. I hate the way I have been treated. If I knew what was going to happen. I would of said no!!
—Guest Deborah


I have known my biological family name since my father gave me my original birth certificate before he died. This was in 1998. I looked and looked but got nowhere. Then on November 1,2011....I hit the correct name of the man on my birth certificate listed as my father. His name is distinctive and can't be duplicated. Also where he is from and his job history. I found his obituary. And this led me to my half sister and three half brothers. The sister was totally rejecting. It hurt. I am 64 and had hoped for at least a civil link between us. I will try again by sending her the legal papers I have that prove our family tie. Pray for me and send me good thoughts. Perhaps this will work. Thank you and my best to all of you. May your searches be happier ones. Or perhaps this will turn out happy. I hope so.
—Guest Jo Ann Elenbogen

Life Has Changed

I was also adopted..at 3 months. My mom was 17, and not married..and was sent to a catholic un-wed mother's home..where I was born. I always suspected I was adopted, from age 16, but got my proof on my own at 35. Now..almost 40, I get a message on Facebook, from someone saying they think I'm their older brother!! Well we chat..I verify some personal info that no one else can know..she shows me the info the searching agency got on me.and it all fit. It's a great feeling knowing that my mom and sister were actively searching for me for years..and that they want me as a big piece of their lives now. My adopted family was never very close..I had 3 sisters and a brother...all were born from my adopted parents...even though I was oldest..I felt the lowest..and as we grew up..the difference in treatment became more and more obvious. That's why I will be moving soon to where my sister and my four nieces now live..to be a part of the family I always wanted.
—Guest tom S

Adoptee who has been there...pt. 1

My biological mother was 17 when I was born, she had plans to marry my father. My biological grandmother was a really terrible human being and basically conned my mother into signing me over to another relative (there was no way they would have been accepted by ANY adoption agency, and I have found proof they gave my grandmother money) and made sure to get my bio-father out of the picture. I did not have a good relationship with my adoptive parents, nor did their two biological children have a good relationship with them. My adoptive siblings more then supported me when I wanted to contact my biological parents. My mother was thrilled to have me back in her life. It ended a lot of grief and guilt for her. One of the most interesting things to come out of being reunited was to find out that I was multi-racial. My adoptive parents had raised me as white, which makes sense considering my adoptive father was incredibly racist to say the least.

Search for My Bio Family

hello, I found out that I was adopted when I was only 9 years old ( i know i was kinda young) and as I grew older, into my teens. I started to wonder about myself...my personalty and my looks. my Adoptive family all have brown skinned..and I am the lightest one.... I am 21 years of age, and recently, I just found my bio relatives ( my brothers)...at first I didn't know who I was speaking to....but I told them about "our" birth mother and her "issues" back in the day. and they knew it was me I was shocked but nervous at the same time...my brother told me about my biological family because he and my other brother grew up with my biological aunt...I talk to him for almost an hour on the phone trying to catch up to him...and I let him talk to my mother (adoptive)....now even though it kinda late, I'm learning about my biological family....I think I have a better understanding of myself now ;/
—Guest jack

Coming to Terms

I was adopted when I was 8 months old and had wonderful parents. I never felt like my bio parents abandoned me. I feel very lucky that I wasn't aborted. For whatever reason, it was out of love and concern for my welfare that I was put up for adoption. The only issue I have is that I don't know what they look like, who they were/are and what my medical history is. That, I feel, is the ultimate "betrayal" if you will. Had I not been adopted, I never would have met my wonderful husband and have the two most beautiful and wonderful boys that I have today. I am counting my blessings and while there is a hole in my heart, I am not bitter.

My life story..

Well.. my birthmum gave me everything i have today.. when i was born, i was sent to live with my other brother who was adopted. my birthdad died in a drunk driving accident.. so ill never b able to meet him...
—Guest Becca-The-Adopted

Give the News Time to Sink In

We've just found my mothers half sister today !!!!!!. She had been placed for adoption and last year tried to trace her birth family. At first we said we didn't want contact (to person trying to make the link) as we didn't know she existed and it was such a shock. We had a very long chat as a family and tried to trace her ourselves. We then made the first verbal contact. Remember finding out an adoptive person exists and is a blood relative is a heck of a shock especially if their birth and adoption was kept hidden. Give it time xxxxxxxxxx
—Guest Jumble

Frustrated Sad

I am a 41 year old adult adoptee and have been searching for birth parents. Today I found out that my biological mother is not interested in making contact with me and even hung up on the searcher who called. I so desperately want to find out where I come from in this world and I feel that now this will never happen. She also has the name of my birth father (which was not in my adoption records) and now I will never find him. I don't want a relationship of any kind, just answers that I feel are my right as a human being. Whatever the situation may be, pretending like it never happened is not going to make it go away. I wish she would just face the truth and give me some information. I know it may be hard for her but it's hard for me too. It seems very selfish, hurtful and cold. I'm not sure how to handle this news as it is still very fresh on my mind.
—Guest Ann


I am sorry this has happened to you. I was a very young girl who was forced to have sex and became pregnant. I now fear my son will never want to meet me. I loved him and nurtured him the best I could while pregnant. I have never stopped aching from the loss but feel I did the best for him. I don't know how a mother could do that to her child. I hope my son looks for me. It will be a happy day in our family. My children and daughter in law are anxious to meet their other brother. Sending loving thoughts to all.
—Guest children are blessings

Hurting Today

I was adopted as a baby. I am now 34. I found my Biological Mum aged 25, and Father aged 30. Both seemed happy to know me, said they love me - yes there were hard times but I thought we had a life time together now. Yesterday they both cut me out of their lives again ?? Because I have found a half sister on the fathers side, and her mum is the ex of the dad, the one he cheated on my bio mum with. It seems all this past caused emotions in them both and they lashed out at me about it and cut me off. I don't understand how they can reject me again, aged 34, now KNOWING me... ?? I am so lost, hurt and angry. I have a right to also know my sister surely ? (she was also adopted by her new dad and not raised with the bio dad).... why is it me in the firing line from pain from 1976?
—Guest Angela

Scared Too

I am in the middle of a search/reunion too. I found my biomom after 41 years. Our middle man was issr and she is supposed to call me this Saturday. I am scared even though i sought her out (buyers remorse?) I have a feeling she does not want a relationship with me, but i guess we will find out. I too waited til the death of my adopted parents. I didn't want to hurt or disrespect them.
—Guest binka1


i am 18 and i was adopted at birth, i have a great family, i have a mom and 7 siblings i wouldn't change that for the world....but i am left wondering Who am i, Where do i get my characteristics and looks, Why did you give me up and should i even look for my birth family or not..... i love my mom and i don't want to make her sad or make her feel like i don't want her in my life. i want to find the woman who made me but i don't know how to go about it :( being adopted was the greatest thing that happened to me but it also sucks.
—Guest adopted_18

Confused Adoptee

I am at a loss as may be in the same situation of my birth mother not wanting contact or a "reunion." 50 years ago I was adopted at birth by a functional and loving couple who at the time, believed they were infertile. Despite being in a stable home while growing up, I always felt so much was missing. Just prior to Christmas, I located my biological mother and wrote her in hopes she would be interested in communicating with me. It's been over 6 weeks now, and still no response. As I stated in my letter to her, I don't want to intrude in her life and cause any pain but am left wondering if I should try again. In my research, I also found 2 half siblings, one of which I briefly have communicated via Facebook. He hasn't confirmed answers to my questions but oddly has sent requests to play Facebook games. My biggest concern is about health questions. Still pondering whether I should try again or leave it alone?

©2015 About.com. All rights reserved.