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Readers Respond: What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

Responses: 106



I think that a birth parent has a lot of feelings of not being good enough, or feelings of anger that to many years have gone by and there is not a good enough way to connect so they reject. Most Biological Parents have feelings of resentment over what they did, ecspecially if thier Child was neglected, or they feel that they were conned into doing something that they did not want to do in the first place.
—Guest Debra Buckley

Adoption Hurts All Three Members

Adoption Used to be necessary for orphans. Then it morphed in to punishment for society's unmarried women. The last change was a money making industry. Family wealth is not a guarantee for loving a child. Adoptees do not benefit from adoption. Mothers who give up their child do not benefit. Adopting mothers expect too much out of adoptees that they would not expect from natural children. Adoptive parents are commonly disappointed by adoptive child Adoptive children have a natural right to know who they are and where they are from. To have a problem with this natural drive is a jealousy to perpetuate a childhood and ownership beyond 18 years. All members of the adoption circle suffer, but the adopted child receives the most pain and psychological confusion. Selfishness against sharing is the most damaging among grown adults. A child must be given the freedom that any biological takes for granted. The search for biological parents makes the circle of life complete for the adopted child
—Guest Rainstorm Red-Smith

No need to be strangers

I am in my 40s, and have known all my life I was adopted, and my bio moms name. My adoptive parents were wonderful, and we had a great relationship. They both past away 6-10 years ago. I never needed any contact with the past, nor have any animosity. I have no void to fill, or axe to grind. However I do think I am owed some information. I will admit that I am curious, and would like to be friends with my biological family. I have made two attempts at contact in the last couple of months, with no direct response. second hand response was "time to process". I think that's code for some explaining to do. I don't want to bother anybody, and I want friends not foes. If I don't get a response. eventualy I will contact one of my Bio siblings. They deserve to know as much as I do, as was said in a previous post I had no say in the matter, and neither did they. I am very thankful not to have been aborted, but to me that's a basic level of human decency, no extra points awarded.
—Guest TJW

why me

i was adopted at 7 from Russia.i have not got along with my birth parents since i got adopted.i want to find my birth mother and father.when you cant do anything to make your parents happy it hurts i just want to be happy again with my mother i lived with my real mom for 7 years. i just want her in my life again. i want to get out of my adopted family i don't fit in at all. and i feel like i need my birth mother in my life again
—Guest kristina

adopted and cape verdian american

Was adopted met bio fam the whole business a trying mess cant stand bio mom a complete liar
—Guest Arabia

Bummed Out By Rejection

I've been trying to find out more about my birth mother for the last year. Today I got the call from the adoption agency that she wants no contact and won't release her last name, I have a good amount of non identifying information via Social Services. I'm not angry, bitter or even sad, I'm just disappointed. In her, the adoption agency and people in general. I'm a stable, 31 year old male who has had the same girlfriend for eleven years, I have a fulfilling career that I enjoy getting up for most days, but I wanted this. I needed this. I just wanted to close that chapter on my life. My adopted parent's lives fell apart when I was in my early 20's and I've been able to put the distance from them that I needed for my own sanity. Life moves forward and never back, so now I know I need to let go of this. I'm happy and thankful to read some of the short experiences on here.
—Guest Jay

If birth mother doesn't want to connect

I have someone very close to me who gave a baby up. I understand people think that the childs rights are more important then the mothers. I don't agree in all cases. With my friend, she was abused quite badly and almost died. She was 5 days past the cut off time for an abortion when she found out. She was not aware she was pregnant because she was still having periods and had not gained weight or felt sick. We all saw her, hugged her and never knew. She ended up delivering really early and only had known she was pregnant for 5 weeks. She does not want any connection with her ex. I want to let people looking who are rejected know, sometimes rejection is better. She was told at the time by the adoption facilitater of all people, that the baby looked so much like the father. Though the child is not the father, they are a reminder of that horrible period for her. Sometimes adoptees need to just be who they are now, be thankful and leave it. Birth moms feelings count too.
—Guest a different perspective


The mother had 30 years to get over it. The child did not ask to be born and is innocent. She may choose not to have a relationship with the child but she should answer some basic questions and provide medical history. I am an adoptee and a biological parent and an adoptive parent. The person who chose adoption for their biological child must take responsibility for their decision because it changed the identity of another human being.
—Guest Nadia


A birth parent does not consider herself (or himself) to be the real parent. Many birth parents want nothing to do with their child they gave up for adoption. I have known some birth parents. One man was 15 when he got a girl pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with the girl, although her parents tried to force him to marry her. He never wanted contact with the child, either. Remember he was only 15, a kid himself.
—Guest Shay


I found out i had a daughter that was adopted 32 years ago, my girl friend at that time left me but niver told me on till one day i got a message on my phone, that was\a shock floored me then i started looking for my wee girl, found her 1 year later, but its been so hard with her i love so much but theres nothing comming back from her, we have meet loads of times but its a 1 way street, i just want her to like me. it hurts so much as ive got 2 grown up kids and i think iam a good dad to then, please help,
—Guest brian


Do birth parents ever try to find their kids?i was adopted in 1963.the parents who raised me work drunks an abused me an my sister.i was born in hell with these people.this kind of upbringing affected my mind real bad.
—Guest neddy manzanares

Not perfect, but pretty close

I only found my parents last year – actually my Dad found me! And you know what? It’s just great! Not perfect, but GREAT! That’s not to say it wasn’t stressful at first because it was. Although my adoptive parents loved me I was never overly close to them. The only way I can put is that finding my parents has been like arriving home after a long journey. My heart breaks at some of the stories here. To anyone thinking of looking, I hope you have an experience like mine. Some of us do have happily ever afters.
—Guest The Happy Guy


Dear All, It has been amazing to read such different experiences from adoptees and parents about the difficult experience of adoption. I do not want to hurt anybody, after reading carefully each one's of the post... I do have some conclusions, that I hope will help you, and will not hurt you: 1. Most of your BP had reasons to give you to adoptions, reasons may not be clear or valid for you the adoptees...PLEASE , respect those reasons... remember you were adopted in the past, NOT TODAY! the day you are complaining about it, The world have been changing... a lot! Adoptees, be always grateful you are alive, you parents, (bad or good) at least allowed you to be born. 3. Even if your fosters parents did wrong, at least they adopted you? If you were abused, it is not necessary the fault of your BP. 4. If the parents that adopt you were good, never forgot how lucky you are! 5. if you feel, you want to contact your birth family.... Do it! it is a risk, may finish bad, but try.... try hard!! READ NEXT..
—Guest frank

Not the Adoptive Parents but the Child

This is why i would never adopt because no matter what an adoptive parent does - money/love patience/time - you give your life then the adoptive child grows up and the first thing they do is go looking for the natural parent. Why.
—Guest ann

leave it alone

i was raped i was going to get a abortion but couldnt do it i was 14 weeks i was set to have it done in ny but i felt the baby move i found out late i had two kids already my husband was away i got raped just wanted to forget getting bloodwork i found out i was pregnant with the rapist baby i dont blame the child but i NEVER WANT CONTACT i didnt go through with abortion i found a good family .hearing everyone i mean I DID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT
—Guest that

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What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

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