After our mother died in June 1992, we began to do what most families do after a death. We cried, we talked over memories, and then we started to go through her things. We never thought we would encounter a hidden adoption. While going through a secretarial I discovered a Bible that our mother's brother had given her years ago. I remembered as a child looking at the pages of it, but I didn’t remember what I found in the back of the book. As some Bibles have there was a place for marriages, births, and a family tree section. I noticed that our father’s name was written over white out, including the date and year. I also noticed under births an infant’s birth statistics recorded including a name, Kendra Ann. A 1970, penny was taped below the entry. I remembered how she collected 1970, pennies and gave them to mission funds. I asked her why 1970, as I was born in 1971. She told me that it was because she married our dad in 1970. I asked our dad who Kendra was, and if mom was married before, he immediately got flustered and demanded that we put the book away. I did, but not without recording all the information first. I had no idea how to go about finding an adoptee, but I was going to try.
I looked in some registries for a few years, thinking I was looking for a baby that had passed away since she didn’t weigh much at birth. Then in 1995, our dad called us all home for an emergency meeting. I knew it was about Kendra. We got there and he laid the Bible on the kitchen table and asked us what we knew about this book. I asked if it was about the baby. He then said, “Your sister wants to meet you.” I didn’t know what to feel. She had found her birth information and called our Uncle, Mom’s brother, who didn’t know anything about the pregnancy. So our Uncle called Dad who confirmed the existence of another child. Before Mom had met our father she had been dating another man. She became pregnant and upon hearing the news of the pregnancy he left her. She gave the baby up for adoption for fear of what her father and other family members would say. She met our dad five months later. She regretted giving her up but never wanted to hurt the family and try to get her back.
Dad had her number that night and I called her immediately. I was stunned when she answered the phone as she sounded just like my middle sister. I discovered that her name had been changed to Pam. We talked and found that we had a lot in common, including wedding anniversary, date and year. I had so many mixed emotions I didn’t know what to think or do. I felt out of place. I was no longer the oldest. I was no longer the first born of my mother. I questioned everything of my childhood, but I also started to understand so much more. She gave many hints and I never caught on. She would sometimes cry for no reason. And if watching something about adoptive reunions she would say, “Adopted children shouldn’t find their birth parents; they were given up for a reason.” Or “Kendra is one of my favorite names,” but not being able to explain why none of us were named Kendra. I called my best friend that night I first found out about Pam, it was probably 1am. She helped to calm me down and understand that I was raised as the first born and that is who I am. Dad and I also had a talk before our meeting with Pam. We both had our doubts on meeting her, wondering what Mom would have wanted, wondering what Pam wanted.
We met Pam a few days later. My sisters and I were again caught off guard to see the maternal side of the family evidenced in her looks. We went over photos, stories, and then took her to our mom’s grave. That is one of my saddest sights, Pam crouched down over our mom’s tombstone, gently wiping her hands over Mom’s name and engraving of an angel. She missed meeting her by 3 years. We all often wonder if Mom had been alive if she would have allowed us to know about her or if the secret would live on.
Our meeting went well and we have a relationship with her to this day. She even named her daughter, Kendra. She grew up only 30 minutes from our house and to this day still lives a short distance away with her family; husband, daughter, and son. Pam grew up in a nice family with brothers and an adopted sister. Her sister has since met her birth family, with a different outcome than our meeting. Something that is hard for her sister to bear.
What made our reunion a success? I really don’t know. It could be luck, or a lack of expectations. I’m just glad to have met Pam and to have another connection to my mother. It does cause me sadness to think that my mother felt she had to hide that part of her life from us. I will never understand her reasons for giving her baby up. I will never know if her fears were valid. It is not my place to decide as then I would be judging her and I don’t. I only have love for her and for my new sister, Pam.
