As it was with Kelsey, very often the real issue behind anger is fear. We fear that we will not be able to get through the tough times—that we will never adopt and be a parent. We fear that we do not hold the knowledge or control to conquer the anger or to triumph over our depression.
Another feeling masked by anger is hurt. We are hurt because we are not going to have the life we wanted or see our dreams fulfilled with either a biological child or an adopted child as we had thought we would. Our hurt and fear are masked by our outward show of anger. Not until we deal with the underlying causes of depression will we ever be free from it.
Unresolved anger can lead us to becoming hardened and unwilling to see the good in life, affecting not only us but also others in our lives. Our friends and family see the depression on our faces and the anger in our actions, words and attitudes. Birth parents and others involved will pick up on the anger and may not ever see the real person we have hidden under the inner pain and sadness. We are the only ones who can reach out for the help we need.
By using a few simple skills, we can resolve the anger and depression in our lives.
- Postpone aggressive reactions to the anger. Stop before making those calls out of anger, or sending an email out of frustration. Save yourself the regrets that will follow.
- Acknowledge the feelings. Don’t dismiss them as only hormonal or seasonal. Listen to your heart. If you are not happy most of the time, you need to take action to find out why and correct it. Don’t keep blaming others because the same problems with appear in all your relationships.
- Find the truth behind the anger. A trained counselor can help you bring these feeling and their root causes to the surface. You might not feel like talking to someone about your feelings, but do you really want to remain in the pain you are in now? Do you feel you are going in the right direction and can lovingly parent a child with so much pain and grief left unresolved?
- Work to resolve the anger through understanding it. When you do, you will feel better, your family will enjoy your company more and your future children will be blessed by your ability to focus on them and their needs as children, not on your own unresolved issues.
Anger can block our emotional growth. We will become walking wounded. We all know people like this who are not happy, struggle with depression and have a hard time finding something good in many areas of their life. Peaceful is not a word they can use to describe their life.
Dealing with anger and depression can be our best gift to our family, our future children and ourselves. By acknowledging and dealing with anger right away, we can prevent the side effects that will ripple through our life from today on. When anger and depression have surrounded us, we can hardly see an end to it all. By dealing with it, we can release ourselves from our depression and proceed through life on a clear path of happiness.
Hope and peace are available to you if you take the time to find the help you need before you adopt. Turning back to your faith in God can be a key to peace and clear direction for your life.
Try to remain positive while you seek help. Remember, the challenges in our lives are for a purpose. We might not know the reason, but we are all growing, learning, and maturing in our faith and walk. Oftentimes we learn lessons today that will help others in the future and help ourselves build the character we want and need to be excellent parents.
Dealing with anger and its underlying causes will make you able to deal positively and productively with disappointments, frustration and delays that are all part of the adoption process. You will learn to replace anger with emotions that will be less harmful in your life and will help move you to being a happier person.
Learning how to better respond to the challenges that are part of all our lives will make all difference in your future peace and happiness. Don’t give up. Seek help and keep your faith strong while you work through your challenges in life. Remember, you are not alone. Just like so many of us have, YOU can do it!
