Diary of a Mother

The Sonogram and Changing Minds

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I saw the doctor and got to listen to your heartbeat again. In four days I find out your sex. I'm so excited! I got sad later and talked to my caseworker.

The ultrasound today showed you might be a girl although I'll have another one at 32 weeks. I'm 17 weeks now. I got the sonograms on a disk and emailed everyone about your sex. They said everything looks normal and is intact. You were kicking your foot and had one hand in a fist at your side and the other one over your head, doing a little dance. They said you're getting all the nutrients you need.

We had the birth parent panel last night. It was emotionally draining but good. I feel like I'm abandoning you, though.

They're going to give all of us a copy of the video from the birth parent panel. My suite mate's adoptive parents renamed the baby. I feel protective of you. I'm sending the video to my mom and sister. I was imagining what you would look like. My sponsor thinks I might change my mind. Another girl and I couldn't sleep so we had biscuits at 4 a.m. I get up about four times during the night to eat. I feel like you are changing me for the better.

If one more person asks me why I'm placing you for adoption, I'm going to choke them! I went to a meeting and that helped.

I volunteered to be interviewed by The Washington Times and have my picture taken. I've been thinking about what I should say or not say.

I've been depressed today about the adoption. I can't pick out APs [adoptive parents] till May. A resident and I are working on a newsletter for Gladney. I'm going to do a profile book for your APs. I talked to my mom last night.

Yesterday I turned 34. They made me two cakes and decorated my door. A resident's baby was born on my birthday. Another girl's at the hospital now. I start a two-day temporary job Monday where I used to work. My sister may come for your delivery. I'm five months pregnant as of today. A friend of mine took me out for coffee last night. Today a friend of mine celebrated seven years in AA. I did the first Gladney newsletter for 2000. The other resident's artwork was great. We have five more babies due this month.

A birth mother came to see us today who placed her baby five years ago. She said the first year's the hardest. Another baby was born yesterday.

A resident's boyfriend pressured her into keeping the baby. They're taking her home tomorrow. I had night sweats and chills all night. Two other girls are talking about keeping their babies now. Another girl's upset about it. My caseworker's going to say something. I feel okay about the adoption now. Finally. I keep having nightmares that something's wrong with you but they say that's normal.

The resident who changed her mind took her baby home today. I thought about them all day. I saw my counselor. I still haven't felt you move.

Another resident left after placing her baby today. I didn't get to see my cat tonight but will tomorrow. I saw an adoptive couple today with their new baby and got depressed then mad. I started to call my counselor but didn't.

I don't know if this pregnancy is making me stronger but I'm standing up to people. I wish I'd feel you move. Still nothing.

My hormones are crazy. I'm beginning to feel what I think is movement. I got a job with one of the residents. I start tomorrow.

Another resident decided to keep her baby and is leaving this weekend. I started my new job today. It was boring but I'm grateful. The resident who I'm working with is my boss. She talked openly about her adoption decision at work, which surprised me. She said no one should ask me why I'm choosing adoption but I'm afraid they will. I miss writing, creating. I'm getting a new suite mate Friday. She's 29.

The resident who changed her mind left on a bus this morning. She's due May 10th. Another resident went into labor and another one came home. Another girl decided to keep her baby. She's leaving in a few weeks. Tomorrow I get a new suite mate. I found some writing jobs but they're in Dallas. I'm taking off tomorrow. I saw my counselor today.

I got a new suite mate. This is her second baby she's placed for adoption. She was here in '91. She said back then you could pick the family but not meet them.

I cried till 3 a.m. about everything - Jon, being pregnant, my last two jobs, AA, God, the adoption, the girls at work still criticizing me about the adoption. Another resident had her baby. Three girls are leaving Friday.

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