Diary of a Mother

Facing the Past and Future

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I talked to Jon tonight. I saw the doctor today. I'm 24 weeks along. Your heartbeat's strong. I only gained three pounds. I saw my counselor today. They're inducing a resident at 5 a.m. tomorrow. I go back to the doctor in a month for a glucose test. I saw an adoptive mom and her little girl today and it made me feel good about my decision. Two more girls are leaving tomorrow.

Another girl decided to keep her babies and left. Three more girls are leaving tomorrow but they placed their babies. Another girl's supposed to leave today after placing yesterday. I dreamed about her baby.

We had group today and I showed my collage of who I am. Self Magazine's here doing a story.

We went to dinner with an AP [adoptive parent] mom. She's adopted two kids. I can't reconcile what I'm doing with what my mom did to me, which was to place me in several homes during my life. I talked to her tonight but not about anything, really. I'm almost done with your scrapbook. That kind of makes me sad. I want to see what you look like. I wonder what you're thinking.

I finally started on a Gladney novel about my experience. I was up till midnight cleaning. One of the house parents is going to my placement with me at a playground I found. You did a big karate kick the other night. It was cool! I'm going tonight to find a baby gift. I want to get two bracelets - one for me and one for you so one day if we're reunited we'll each have one.

We had group today. The Self Magazine reporter called back and finished interviewing me.

I finally cried in therapy about my grief with the adoption. Mother's Day's in three days. I started to see I'm not like my mom. My counselor wants me to list ways I'm different than her. Mom called tonight and wanted to talk to my doctor. I was shocked. I got an extra temporary job at the greenhouse for five days. I wrote my adoption story for a resident and one of the administrators here. A friend of mine said she couldn't go to my placement so I'm going to ask my sponsor and another friend.

Today's Mother's Day. We got taken out by some APs [adoptive parents] for dinner. I liked them. But they don't plan on adopting any more since they already did. I was sad most of the day. We got flowers. I talked to my mom. My step dad wants to come for the delivery, which totally surprised me. The Times article came out today on Gladney.

I went back to the doctor today and got a glucose test.

A resident had her baby and decided to keep it. She left last night. She said looking at her baby for the first time was like falling in love. Another girl left after deciding to keep her baby and another resident almost changed her mind and left. My suite mate had her baby. My boss was in labor last night. I start full-time tomorrow just for the month of June. I get another sonogram the 19th. Tonight my best friend and I start prenatals. She's going to be my labor coach along with the CBC. My niece had her baby, a boy.

We had a new girl come in Friday and give birth today. I picked your adoptive family. My boss had her baby. I talked to your APs for the first time Thursday night for almost an hour. They only live two hours away, are in their late 30s, and have a 2 1/2 year old little boy.

I wrote out some one-line answers regarding adoption questions as people ask me so I can better prepare myself.

I made up a list of good childhood memories to give to my AP mom for you to read one day. Things like making my footprints in the driveway, eating honeysuckles and musky dimes, and my sister's spookhouse.

I met your APs for the first time last night! I gave them my profile book, the frame, and pin. They gave me a gift and two cards. Your AP mom's taking me to my sonogram Monday. Their little boy's talking about being a big brother and helping his mom with diapers and reading to you.

Another resident signed papers today. Your AP mom called. She's taking me to my sonogram in the morning. I'm moving my cat tomorrow. Family and friends keep asking if I'm still going through with it.

I've realized why I may have gotten pregnant. Maybe it's to give me something to live for since I never had anything to live for, or to give a gift of myself, to realize I have something valuable to give that something that came from me can be good. My sister emailed me that she didn't think she could deal with baby pictures and an update only.

My sister's coming July 28th for the weekend. Another girl had her baby yesterday. Your APs [adoptive parents] named you McKenna Hope. They sent me three emails yesterday. I told my sister I probably wouldn't go into labor when she comes.

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