From Carrie Craft,
Your Guide to Adoption / Foster Care.
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Should I decline a child referral? Should I really turn down a child?

If you feel that you are unable to parent that child – yes. It wouldn’t be fair to you, your marriage, or the child to take on the responsibility of a child who is beyond your abilities as a parent.

Will the adoption agency look down on us for saying “no”?

No, especially if you have legitimate concerns and reservations. You will be representing a strong family that understands their strengths and needs. There is no shame in that.

Will the agency offer us other children if we say 'no' to one or more?

Yes. Most agencies will respect your decisions. Ask your agency before you receive your first referral for their procedures and opinions on declining.

How should we make the decision to accept or decline?

This is a tough one. You know your family better than anyone. Make a pro/con list. What are your strengths? Your needs? Can you parent this child? Can you meet this child’s needs and still have more to give to yourself and your marriage? Be honest and then make a decision.

I said no to a child I have never met and I feel a deep sense of loss and guilt.

This is a normal response from prospective adoptive parents who have turned down a referral. Know that you can’t parent every child. Take the time you need. Mourn the loss, but don’t feel guilty. Remembering that knowing our limitations only make us stronger.

NEVER parent a child out of guilt. This will only lead to resentment later.