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Readers Respond: What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

Responses: 52


Anything can happen once an adoption search is completed. It could lead to a dead end or to a happy adoption reunion. It's sometimes difficult to fathom, but it could also lead to a birth parent refusing contact or even a lawsuit. When the latter happens, many find the situation sad and feel sorry for all involved. What advice would you give the adoptee who is more than likely feeling out of place and lost after refused contact by a birth parent? Due to closed adoption records, this person is still without basic answers. What are the next steps for an adoptee who is refused contact by biological family?

Birthmom Hurt By Adotive Parents

I am a birthmom. I was 17 yrs old when I had my son. I wanted more than anything to keep him, I love him so much! I had no support from family or the birthfather. I had never had a job in my life. Everyone kept telling me that it was adoption or I had to figure it out on my own. I ended up placing my son when he was 12 days old. During those 12 days my parents made me move out. I moved in with the birthdad's sister and her husband. The birthdad would come over and fight with me. One night we got into an argument and he was holding me against the wall choking me. At that moment I decided that I had to do it for my son, that he deserved more. Last year we got in contact. It was amazing between he and I. I have 3 other boys and a daughter. They all hit it off. I have met his adoptive parents twice and been belittled by them both times. It is so hard. I love my son and I do respect them as his parents. But it is so hard being treated badly by someone I gave my child to. I don't understand.
—Guest Birthmom

Adoptee Rejected

contacted bio uncle- shock & denial even after photo (no doubt I look so much like my bio mom!) Found half brother- accepted! meeting for dinner... Birthmother-rejected....she's not "ready" to connect... (wealthy family FYI..) I say: f-u !! ...and thank you my half-brother for having a heart;) much love- to all adoptees
—Guest Linn


I am a natural mother who was coerced and manipulated to give an infertile couple my child when I was sick with post partum depression. I have a lovely husband and family and when my relinquished daughter contacted me I was thrilled. We welcomed her in to the family. 1.5 years later and now we know she only wanted to inflict pain and drama on her adoptive parents and us. She has no love for us, just condemnation. I have recently informed her she is no longer welcome in my life. I prefer the family who loves me and treats me well. First abused by the adoptive parents and now her. Life is too short to accept this abuse. Her adoptive parents can enjoy their "daughter". My other children our warm, decent people. She is not. Adoption turned her in to a cold, vindictive person. Society says I am to blame but I too was the victim of the US adoption system. I say she can call her adoptive parents mom and dad. I am done with the hurt and so is my family.
—Guest Real Mom


When I was 6 my 2 younger brothers were taken away and posed into foster care. I was lucky enough to have my father and step mom. One of my brothers was just under 2 years younger than me. Is it possible for him to remember me? I am 18 now and I found him on facebook but I don't know if I'm allowed to email him. I literally sit and just look at his facebook page. If I could just know if I'm allowed to contact him it may take a lot of stress off of me.
—Guest Confused


I am an adoptee and yesterday got my original birth certificate. For 60 yrs I assumed my parents weren't married. But now I found out they were married for 8 yrs when I was born and that they had had 2 stillborn babies. I know there were probably circumstances, but it really hurts that this couple finally have a healthy baby and then give me up! Have decided not to pursue further. Had wonderful adoptive parents (my REAL parents). Still I feel shattered by the rejection part. Think only adoptees understand this.
—Guest KD

Contacting Members of Your Bio Family

When I attempted contact with my natural Mother, she refused to have contact with me, & called me one night to say, "You ruined my life - go to hell!". Well. That wasn't the response I'd been looking for. I was young at the time & I took it very badly. To anyone out there who has been rejected by a birth parent, my advice is DON'T GIVE UP. See if you can trace other bio-family members & get in contact with them instead. I found my bio-Uncle. He and his wife were more than happy to "fill in the gaps" for me. My bio-Mother got most upset when I did this, but I say, tough luck. You had your chance. And I have a right to know where I came from & if there are any diseases in my biological family that I should be aware of. My bio-Mother wouldn't tell me who my bio-Dad was, but after a phone call to her Mother (my bio-GrandMother), I got all the information I needed. I contacted my bio-Dad and we even had a DNA test! We no longer have contact but I have NO REGRETS. I know who I am now :)
—Guest Mac1973

Biological Family Issues

I just found my biological mother after 29 years, on Facebook. I just found out that I have brothers and sisters and she does not want me to do anything with her or them. I am torn because I really don't care to be in her life after the chosen words she has gave me that were very hurtful but would love to meet my brothers and sisters. Unfortunately they do not know of me. I need to know what to do and if there is any way I can get in to trouble with the law if I do contact them, they are not minors and are over 18?? Please help.
—Guest steph

My Daughters Are Going to Be Adopted

Hello, I have two daughters aged 2 and 3 years old. They have recently moved with prospective adopters and are waiting to be officially adopted. I went to court to try and get them back home to live with me, but at court they said said the kids had suffered emotional harm and that i had failed to protect the kids from witnessing domestic violence. My ex has mental health problems and drug/drink issues. He was also in prison previously for assault. When they are adults i hope to see them, especially birthdays and Christmas time. I would never turn them away or refuse to see them. It will of course be difficult as many years will pass and they won't see me and i won't see them, after time people get used to not seeing each other. But its also important as they have gone to live with a white couple and I'm mixed race (white/Indian background) and bio dad is white. It can also be difficult for them as they will get used to having a white mum. I will try to keep up letterbox contact. Abby

Protecting My Daughter

We have an open adoption. Now that my daughter is a teen she has always continued to talk to her [birthmom]. Until the mom started writing nasty stuff on her Facebook, my daughter wants nothing to do with her. Sometimes adoptees have a right not to know, especially if drugs and mental issues would cause more damage.
—Guest an a mom

Always in Our Heart

My sister gave up her daughter at 17 and our family pray for her every night and hope to be reunited..her adoption was done out of love. but it was heartbreaking.we'll always love her.although she doesn't know it.
—Guest lindo

Rejected by Birth Mother

I am looking for some sort of peace as today I just learned that my birth mother wants NO contact and was afraid that her current husband would divorce her if he learned about me. She didn't just contact my agency searcher she used an attorney...really??? For 42 years I have wondered. For at least 11 I have started to search and stopped out of fear or maybe that little voice inside was wiser than I knew. But growing up adopted I have never felt rejected only loved and wanted. My sisters birth families darn near pounced on her and couldn't wait to make contact, in fact her bio father had passed away and his daughter found my sister. Why after all these years do I now feel rejection and confused? How can a birth mother not even ask how her child is after 42 years? She named me at birth so she had to have cared. I am trying to understand why she kept this secret from her husband and possible children. Like I told my children and husband, I need to cry it out for a bit and move on...
—Guest adopted 1969


My parents abandoned me and then sent me hate mail.
—Guest ...

Good book to read

Girls that Went Away -- very good book that helps explain why birthmothers gave up their babies during the 50s and 60s, and the guilt and shame that still haunts them.


I was adopted at 3 days old and I am really scared that my birth mom might never want to see me again.
—Guest Alex

The Finding.

I am a 19 year old adoptee who has just been in touch with my biological family. I got in touch with an aunt and uncle after searching for them in the Phone-book. I have just spoken to my biological mother today, which was a strange experience. I still remember her, which is a good thing and I hope the relationship progresses further. It is difficult to know how to feel. I feel relieved, but also very emotional at the same time. I am so glad to have the love and support of my adoptive parents, for that I am 100% grateful. This has been a very emotional journey, but now I have been reunited with my mum, I hope things will get better. Just small steps to start with. xx xx
—Guest happyday
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