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Readers Respond: What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

Responses: 106


Anything can happen once an adoption search is completed. It could lead to a dead end or to a happy adoption reunion. It's sometimes difficult to fathom, but it could also lead to a birth parent refusing contact or even a lawsuit. When the latter happens, many find the situation sad and feel sorry for all involved. What advice would you give the adoptee who is more than likely feeling out of place and lost after refused contact by a birth parent? Due to closed adoption records, this person is still without basic answers. What are the next steps for an adoptee who is refused contact by biological family? Share Feelings & Ideas

im adopted let me speak ,you listen.

Nobody but the adopted has the first choice to say anything about anything. its the child that thinks and feels there thaughts and feelings through for years. regardless of raped bio mother the child is not the rapist. and the child deserves love no matter what! at least respect, and answers, regardless of the mothers rape. the child doesnt have to pay for that . its bad enough you took the rape out on the baby. no matter what id never give my child up, id hunt if i had too. even hunt for my own blood! i advise the rape victim to get counsel, and give your bio daughter the love you never did! and then she can go forward in life and so can you!
—Guest lori

Forced adoption without my consent

I have been searching for my birth daughter that was taken away from me in 1992 , when she was only 5 1/2 years old at the time. She was taken out of La petite academy in va beach while I was at work. I can not get non identifying information on her , I was a single mother to her until I married her step father who abused her while I was working is why she was taken from me. Sad dss in va beach thinks that a birth parent can be at two place's at the same time. If she see this I have never refused contact with you so you can call me. I am still praying for you and for our reunion to happen very soon. I have been divorced from the abuser for along time. You have half sister's by me with another marriage but I also divorced him so I am a single mother .
—Guest Charlene

What if birth parent wants no contact

If you try to make contact and they don't respond, then suck it up, live your life and move on. You don't always get what you want in life. Why try to destroy someone? Be grateful you were not aborted. Be happy!
—Guest StayAway

My Journey

All these post makes me so sad. I was adopted at the age of 3 and was taken from my mother even though she still wanted me. I don't understand how I cannot access something as simple as her name. It's not fair. Don't get me wrong, I love my Adoptive parents, they're the only parents I know. But something is still missing, like a connection. I just want to know her, to tell her I forgive her for whatever happened then. I just want her to be apart of my life now, God willing.
—Guest JustWantToKnow

Biological family issues

I have the same dilemma; bio-mom not interested, siblings who probably don't know you exist.. I am always concerned about hurting other people. One side of me says, the hell with bio-mom, let me tell them I exist, the other side says leave it alone because it might open up a deeper wound. I recently found out that I have a cousin who I contacted and he shared info and pictures of my bio family. Thought that would be enough to satisfy me. He said my bio-mom is mean. Although it was a blessing to have my cousin display good response, it was emotional and left me crazed and thirsty for more. I always thought it was "about" finding my roots.. You know it's so much deeper.. I thought, this cousin and I could form some relationship. Guess what; the cousin doesn't want contact! Another hurt and rejection I really don't need. The pictures he gave me are invaluable. I actually get to see my bio-mom, her parents, and kids. ADVICE TO YOU: Go for it.. respect your own sense of who you are
—Guest Marmagda

stop the self absorbing whining

I am a 55 year old woman who found my bio-mom 6 years ago through private investigation. I wrote 2 letters asking for medical info, maybe a meeting. Very respectful writings, stating I had a great life, didn't want anything from her, or to invade her privacy. I explained it would help me in my life to know certain things. How it would help or why it is so unique to me and my experience growing up. I think that everyone's" WHY" should merely be respected and NOT judged by other's. All members of the adopton triad have some emotional aspect to deal with. For me, I thought it is inconceivable to spend my life on earth and not know who's DNA I share. After zero response I went into a very personal and deep depression that caused me to just bury those questions and emotions cause I had to move on and LIVE MY Life! Truthfully you are alone in this. Obviously it has been some time since I initiated and abandoned my quest, so I thought. My conclusion: it will never end 4 any of us. SO BE KIND
—Guest Marmagda

Little info isn't that difficult to give

I was adopted in 1966 in Seattle WA & raised with an adopted sister by a male co-dependent mother who married 3 times and always put her husband, self, & my sister ahead of me. I wasn't physically abused or harshly mentally abused – but watched my mother in horrible relationships, was treated terribly by my sister, & I longed for attention/love. The last 2 years have been hell. My nephew sexually abused my 5-yr-old son & when I found out (luckily, it was one time - the next day I found out) I turned him in & my adopted family turned against me. I no longer have a sister, mother, father, nephew... So I decided to finally search for my birth family. I always wanted my medical history, especially for my son's well being, as I have had a lot of medical problems in my life. But now, I was hoping for some sort of friendship with a parent or sibling. I hired a court "confidential intermediary" to find them - when they did - all I got was, my birthmother told the intermediary, “lose my number."

No need to know

I'm in my late 50's and was adopted an an infant. My adopted dad told they' picked me out special'. I had a good childhood and always knew I was adopted. After I had my own child I really wanted to fine my BM. Mine was a private adoption and I was unable to fine her. I have learned to live with the unknown. I feel if God wanted me to know my BF it would have happened by now. I have a great unexplained love for my BM and every year on my birthday I send her love. People ask me if I know my 'real mom'. I tell them the wonderful woman that raised me is my 'real mom'. I am appalled that in this day and age there is still a stigma toward adoptees, like we are aliens or something. We're just like natural children, just a few pieces of the puzzle missing. I would like my birth parents to know that I love them, have a wonderful life, became a nurse, happily married to the love of my life, followed my dreams...and whoever they are, thanks. I'm OK with not knowing.
—Guest bunni

There Still Could Be Hope

I gave my baby up for adoption many years ago when I was 19. I did not have a job, the father was married. My mother was disgraced and I was sent to a "home" to be kept hidden until the baby was born. I tried to find the adoption information but was told that the child died before she was adopted. I was devastated and depressed but worked through it and put it behind me. A few years ago my child contacted me by phone and again with a short note via USPS. I had doubts of her identity but later found out that this was indeed the child I gave up. I feel I owe this person an explanation of the circumstances that led up to the adoption and the reason I never contacted her again but so much time has gone by I hesitate to contact her. I know that this will probably never be a "happily ever after" story but I want the opportunity to try to make it right.

Contact vs. relationship, right to know

"The person who chose adoption for their biological child must take responsibility for their decision because it changed the identity of another human being." Well put. Of course biological mothers have reasons for giving up their babies. Whether it was just being too young or something like having been raped, it was enough for a woman to give away her baby. Fine. But WHATEVER the reason, adoptees have the right to information. Sorry, but that does trump the rest. Of course bio-moms have the right to say they don't want ongoing contact, but if one conversation or one letter giving medical history and basic info feels too upsetting, that's on bio-mom, not the adoptee. Bio-mom had 18+ years to get therapy and deal with her issues. If her family don't know, well, she's living a lie - also on her. Answer the questions and say, "This will be our only contact." You're not absolved of basic responsibility - basic humanity - by not aborting. We all have a core need to know where we came from.
—Guest bookbabe

Be careful what you wish for

Reunion is not always good. I am an adoptee and I had no desire to meet people in my birth family. I made contact purely for health info and birth father last name and what I got was a bunch of strangers who wanted to be instant family. It was like they felt I had come home. Like they felt I had been kidnapped. I was NOT kidnapped and I do NOT want to be part of their family.
—Guest Beth

"Possible" grandma would love contact

I'm reading about the adoptees here, and the holes left in your lives by the process. You leave me afraid for my "possible" granddaughter, and her brother, who are now in permanent custody of the state, thanks to their no-account parents. I tried to seek custody or adoption of them, but had no resources to see it through. I've recently written to the foster / adoptive parents asking for some form of on-going regular contact with them. I've grieved to the point of illness over the past year, and I'm so afraid they're going to just ignore my plea; even with solid references of professionals willing to attest my caring and decency. To adoptees, would a bio, or claimed grandparent have made a difference to you, if your bio parents were not available? My son never knew, until close to when the state took them, that he 'might' be the girl's true father; but the mother prevented paternity testing, and the putative father was named on her birth certificate. Caseworkers refused to help u


I would like to say that most BP at time of adoption are "not" given the opportunity to question whether adoption is an option. Sometimes circumstances are beyond their control and they have no other choice. So! For anyone out there that says the BP need or should meet their adopted child should for any reason should look at the whole picture before bringing more trouble than it is worth. I as a BP have wanted to see my child and she/ he had made it clear she/he wants nothing to do with me! So before you pass judgement on the BP you should consider all aspects before you make such a big decision because it can and will hurt everyone involved. I agree with the person who said that you should be grateful your alive and got to have a family, most children never get that luxury. Most are either in orphanages, group homes or just left out on the streets to fend themselves
—Guest n/a

Still Figuring it Out

I am almost 21 years old and was adopted from birth. Both my birth parents filled out papers saying they would like to meet me as an adult and that it is okay that I contact them. I was adopted as a newborn by two wonderful people because my biological mother was 18 and already had a 2 year old son from a man who was not my bio father. When I was 18 I contacted my biological father who was very happy and 2 years later I met his parents who have been very kind and welcoming towards me. I contacted my biological mother for the first time on 12/29/12 over Facebook but got no response then in May of 2013 I realized she probably didn't see my message since it went to her other inbox. So, I paid $1 so another message would be sent to her main inbox. I know she saw it not 2 hours later but still no response. I am a bit sad because she said she wanted contact... I am wondering if I should send another message reassuring her that I respect her decision? I am just so confused :/
—Guest Adoptee Girl G

I'm the adoptee

I am also an adopted child, and just recently was able to scrounge up enough Information on my birth parents, only to descover my father died years ago. It is hopeful in the fact that I have had contact with my grandmother, yet I'm so confused by all of these feelings! And as far as who suffers?, I grew up my whole knowing I had parents that didnt want me, that were abussive, and could have contacted me for 20 years and didnt. So I'm sorry, but the birth parents have a clean slate, and new start, while the adoptees must deal with rejection and all the negative feeling that come with it. That being said, I lucked out with my adoptive parents, no one could ever ask for better parents.
—Guest Morgan

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What Should an Adoptee Do When a Birth Parent Does Not Want Contact?

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